I walk into my room,
The still air is now unsettled.
The smell comes flooding back,
His smell,
The smell I fell in love with,
The smell that now kills me,
Every time.
His smell,
The smell that made me smile
Now makes me cry,
Now has pain.
His smell,
The smell that I fell in love with,
The smell bottled up and given to me as a present
Sits on a shelf,
The only smell I have left of him now
Bottled and trapped.
I cannot have the real smell.
I walk past the shelf,
books sit on another
Books he bought me,
Books that I can see him in,
Books I now can't touch
Books left unread.
On the desk,
Letters from him,
Pictures of him,
Pictures of us,
Frames with the memories of us
Now only memories.
Sat on the bed,
The stuffed toy,
The toy monkey,
The toy he bought me to remind me of him
Now only soaked in the memories of him
And does nothing but remind me.
On my arm,
The bracelets we both had,
Both had to remind,
Worn,
Old,
Broken,
Faded and frayed
But precious to me,
Still as I saw them when I gave him his.
On my phone,
The messages and chats we had,
The fun we had,
The mad joking nights,
The banter,
The laughs.
This was what it was,
Now all ghosts and shadows,
Memories in my head,
Unable to have the real things.
As I spin round to see it all,
It fades bit by bit into nothing,
Walls bare of the photos,
Now stuffed in a drawer,
Desk empty of stuff,
Now all occupying the same drawer as everything,
Phone cleared of the fun we had,
The fun I still want.
The smell,
That smell,
His smell still lingers,
Contained in an expensive bottle that was given to me for Christmas still remains.
The life I once had,
The life I loved,
The life I wanted,
The life I dreamed of,
Now gone.
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Canary word: Present
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140,813 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi.
Here's a quick review:
This poem was great on many different levels. I loved the emotional power and impression you gave on the reader. You really know how to do that!
One thing that you could use a little more practice on is organizing. If you are going to write any other piece similar to this, meanings it's loaded with information and words, then I would try getting better at organizing. Some things were jumbled up and it was all over the place.
Besides that, there was one confusing part of the poem:
Here it says:
"On the desk,
Letters from him,
Pictures of him,
Pictures of us,
Frames with the memories of us
Now only memories."
Free reading that and what I'm about to show you, I got confused.
Over here you wrote:
"Desk empty of stuff,
Now all occupying the same drawer as everything,"
- I thought there were things on the desk! What's going on here?!
It said earlier in the text:
"Walls bare of the photos,
Now stuffed in a drawer,"
- I get that some of these things are stuffed in this drawer but I'm guessing you forgot to mention the drawer in the first quote I talked about.
Honestly, what I'm saying right now could make no sense but it's just a review and you don't have to use my suggestions.
Besides those two thingies,
This poem was spectacular!
Keep on writing and I hope to see more from you!
- sunshine101
Hey there KissMe here to give *points to you* you a review!!
Ok so let's jump on it!
First off this is great but I would like to say that it seems all jumbled up, clustered. It's not put into stanzas and it seems like there are too many commas and not enough periods. Maybe add some here and there and break it up. The poem it's self is great but the look of it isn't so great. Your grammar and spelling are fine as well. I actually loved the poems meaning, I know many people can relate to it. I'm happy you posted this poem, thank you for this read!
Keep writing and follow your dreams!!
~KissMe
Hey there KissMe here to give *points to you* you a review!!
Ok so let's jump on it!
First off this is great but I would like to say that it seems all jumbled up, clustered. It's not put into stanzas and it seems like there are too many commas and not enough periods. Maybe add some here and there and break it up. The poem it's self is great but the look of it isn't so great. Your grammar and spelling are fine as well. I actually loved the poems meaning, I know many people can relate to it. I'm happy you posted this poem, thank you for this read!
Keep writing and follow your dreams!!
~KissMe
Thanks
I did try and I did split them up but I may need to look into that for next time. They did split where there was a new object/theme but I will need to look at that again.
SO touchy ..
Is it any good, worried about this one :/
it's very good and deep , i looove it *speechless*