Chance- Chapter 1

“You’re late,” Mr. Stock said dryly.

“I know,” I remarked, taking from him the pleasure of showing off his authority. I wasn’t about to let him intimidate me.

As he sat down looking around, I could tell he was grumpy. For a minute, he just sat there, scowling. Obviously my plan had worked, because he was definitely displeased with how I had responded. The thing about it though, is that he couldn’t do anything. Not without putting everyone through too much trouble, anyway. Besides, I’d technically done nothing wrong.

I looked away and refused to acknowledge anyone around me. I wasn’t doing this just to be funny, and I didn’t want people to start trying to laugh or get my attention.

My eyes fell to the window, and I gazed outside. I looked up towards the sky, and had to let my eyes adjust to the sun, which suddenly seemed brighter. Its flames danced in my eyes and I began to reminisce to myself, getting lost in my thoughts.

Because of some things that happened in my childhood, I lived with my aunt. She raised me until I was just old enough to survive on my own, then she pretty much kicked me out. She owned an apartment complex, so she didn‘t have to put me on the street, just give me my own room and keep to herself. By that point, I hardly ever saw her. Basically, lived alone.

You could say it’s a hard knock life, and in the end it turned me into a social introvert . I had nobody to greet me when I came home, and nobody to talk to and grieve with. I had no friends to chat or hang out with, and nobody to trust, or confide my feelings in. I'd learned to live alone, and that’s just how I want to be. Alone.

“Seth.. Seth!” I jumped with shock. Mr. Stock was standing by my desk. “ Don’t ignore me when I’m talking to you!"

“Hmm?” I replied, without really thinking about it.

He glared at me, but the way he did it was so awkward I was a lot closer to laughing than I was to being scared. Surprisingly enough, the best way to describe Mr. Stock was summed up in one word; stocky. But beyond that, he had this over sized nose that took up most of his face, a quickly receding hairline, and this awkward slouch. All in all, he looked like an overgrown ape who had a bad shaving experience.

You hear people say all the time that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but Mr. Stock must have been an exception. Sure enough he complimented his looks with a disgruntled attitude and the kind of gruff voice that made him better suited as a gym coach than a teacher.

Mr. Stock snapped, “Don’t ignore me when I'm talking, and don't look at me like I’m stupid! where is the homework I gave out yesterday!?”

I thought back, and suddenly remembered he had given us an assignment. I fished it out of my backpack and handed it to him with a sullen expression. He grabbed it and continued walking. I looked around and moaned. It was only Monday, and I had a whole week left of this.

After a good forty minutes of notes the class finally ended. I didn’t waste any time getting my stuff together and moving on. When I got away from most of the crowd I turned the corner and walked off down an empty hallway. My next class was in a building not a lot of people really go into that often.

Looking down the hall I heard two girls talking. They were turning a corner, heading in the direction I had come from. I recognized them as Kate and Sammy. They were almost always seen together. Come to think of it, I didn't think I had ever even heard them referred to as separate people. Kate was kind of short, with mid length auburn hair and a purse about half as big as she was. Sammy on the other hand was slightly taller than average, and was athletic. The kind who usually wore a T-shirt and a pair of jeans with their hair almost always in a pony tail.

When they got close they hushed, and began talking in a quieter tone. One of them pointed, and when they walked by they quickly glanced at me and moved on. I thought I had heard them whispering my name. But, then again I probably did. I was different from everybody else and hadn’t spent a lot of time trying to prevent rumors. By that point they were floating all around.

The day went by in a blur, as they usually did. Once we had finished with our work in the last hour, people were either talking, reading books, sleeping, or some like me were staring around the room. I swatted at a fly that was buzzing around, busy doing whatever it is flies do, then let out a deep sigh.

I looked around at the cracked ceiling, and tapped the desk to try and keep at least my fingers occupied. It was still rather close to the beginning of the school year, and it was hot. There wasn’t any air conditioning in this room and everybody was ready to get home. Comfy atmosphere, no? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as the bell rang. This time instead of grabbing my stuff and dashing out of the room I waited a while, taking my time gathering my stuff together. I didn’t feel like fighting a crowd so I lingered around until the place cleared a bit.

I walked to the edge of the parking lot and dug into my pocket for my keys. Then I used them to unlock the chain around my bike and hopped on. It was pretty awkward riding a bike to and from school, but I couldn’t afford a car. The ride home wasn’t exactly the most fun part of my day, but I have no other way to get home and I like to think I need the exercise.

When I reached the apartment complex, I locked the chain back under the stairs and headed up. I ran up to my door, unlocked it, and went inside. As I walked in I tossed the backpack on the bed, trying to remember if I had any homework that day. When I couldn’t think of any, I sat down and looked around the one room apartment I called my home.

My eyes landed on the only picture I had of my parents, and looking at it I began to feel an immense amount of surplus feelings swell up inside of me. My eyesight became hazy and unfocused, and I was once again scared and lonely, frantically looking around at the people running around and screaming. People continued to ask, “Where are your parents?” While all I could do was cry and shake my head. Flashing lights and loud noises surrounded me, and I felt as if I were being consumed.

*Hey guys. I know it's dry, but this is just the very beginning. It starts heating up around chapter three, but I didn't want to put to much on here at once*

Comments & reviews · 6
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Newguy120 Comment

Thank you guys for all of your reviews! I've went and edited, hoping to have made better the faults you found.

Just a few things regarding what I did.

GreatEscape thank you for that. I had put that in there to be humorous, not realizing it just looked weird.

Cheesecake, very excellent you pointed out a lot of things I didn't notice. Thank you very much! Normally, I would have attached the two sentences you pointed out, but I had them separate for a reason. You see, the first sentence is supposed to make the reader assume he is getting out his keys for a car, then in the next sentence, surprise! It's not a car.. It's a bike chain. If I connect them, it kind of ruins the effect there for me.

LoVeLeSs! Thank you for the review! :D I changed that sentence, to where now it should flow better, but putting those two commas there just kind of sounded odd to me.

Hmm.. i saw some things about the vagueness of "Because of some events in my childhood, I lived with my aunt." Because It was mentioned twice, I did change it slightly, however I made it so vague on purpose. You see, first of all I don't want the reader to know what happened was tragic. Not yet anyhow. I just want the kind of, "Oh. Ok. He doesn't live with his parents." Kind of reaction, so that later on when they see his dream, the effect of what really happened hits them all the harder. Also, I made it so vague to reflect Seth's personality, since he is in fact the one narrating this story. He tries to give off the impression that he doesn't care, and that it's no big deal. Acting so emotional on the topic would really kind of contradict the type of personality I'm giving him.

Other than that, I've went through and reread it, making changes here and there. I worked on making all of my tenses consistent, but I'm pretty sure I missed one or two, I'm just bad at those careless mistakes, haha. If you guys see any more, point them out ok? :D

Once again thank you guys sooo much for your reviews, I really appreciate them, and hope you enjoy the next update!!

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mhmmcolleenx0
Review

Hey! I agree with all above comments. You said it was dry, but I don't really think so. The ending kept me wanting more and I really would enjoy knowing more about what happened to his parents. That's what I think you were getting at. Which is good, I love it when people keep me wanting more. :)

I think you showed Seth's personality well. I like that he doesn't seem to care that much about most things. Or, at least that's how you portrayed him. In this part of your story I think you set the stage really well. Good job! If you could, PM me when you add more. :)

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lovly_audrey
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I think everything that needed to be corrected has been on your story. I want you to know that I really enjoyed it though! I can't wait until you post more. good job.. ;D

Hi Miss Summer Night at your service


~I more or less live alone~
A comma should be placed in this sentence. Like maybe...
~I, more or less, live alone~

I also agree with Cheesecake that you should explain more of why he had to live with his aunt, or mention that he rather not explain it.

~“Seth.. Seth!” I jumped with shock. Mr. Stock was standing by my desk. “ Don’t ignore me when I’m talking to you! Well, where is it?”~
With this line I just think that the end should be more demanding. Maybe take out the "well", if you do the line would sound more demanding.

Well thats it!! Bye!!!!!! :P ^^

Hi! I'm here to review your story. ^^

It’s flames danced in my eyes and I began to reminisce to myself, getting lost in my thoughts.


Its, not it's.

Because of some events in my childhood, I lived with my aunt.


Try to be more specific. Or at least mention that he doesn't want to talk about it. ^^ It sounds so vague when you put it the way you did.


Not to mention with his slouch and his receding hairline he looked like an overgrown ape who had gotten hold of a razor.


Together with his slouch and receding hairline, he looked like an overgrown ape.

Prune excessive words. ^^

I looked around and mourned at the fact it was a Monday, and I had a whole week left of this.


It's an awkward sentence. Try rephrasing.

I was different than everybody else and hadn’t spent a lot of time trying to prevent rumors.


I was different from everybody else...


We had finished with our work during our last hour, so people were either talking, reading books, sleeping, or some like me were staring around the room.


We finished our work during the last hour...

Kill passivity and prune excessive words. ^^


I walked to the edge of the parking lot and dug into my pocket for my keys. Then used them to unlock the chain around my bike and hopped on.


The second sentence can be attached to the first one, I think.

I walked to the edge of the parking lot and dug into my pocket for my keys; then I used them to unlock the chain around my bike and hopped on.


When I reached the apartment complex, I locked the chain back under the stairs and headed up. When I reached my door I unlocked it and went inside.


The same sentence pattern in two consecutive sentence. (When I reached...I (blank) and (blank)) Distracting.



OVERALL:

It's not dry. ^^ It's all right, actually. Mundane, down to earth. However, you might want to keep your tenses consistent. Sometimes you used present tense, and then you switched back to past tense. Confusing and annoying.

Good job! ^^

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GreatEscape
Review

Well I think you did a good job of letting us know who the character was. I feel like I good idea of his personality.

I never really cared enough to attempt to study the life styles of flies.

This is solely my opinion but I think you can do without this line. It's already clear that Seth doesn't care about too much and I'm sure there are a lot of people who don't study flies. This sentence just seemed odd to me.

I'm not sure where this piece is going but I'd definitely be interested in reading more.



If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France