Young Writers Society

Hello!
I think there is something very strong at the core of this poem. It's clearest at the very end. The phrase "in hate of his weak hands falling upon her" is so raw and simple and real. I want to highlight that aspect of your voice in this poem. I think another place where it shines through is "a dead grandfather welded into a coffin by soil". This line was surprising and clarifying and excellent. I like the description of a voice as "salty" as well. Like Plume, I like the image of the laurel and olive. I also like the image of waiting alone in a car. That is something I can definitely picture and that has a host of emotions already potentially tied to it. I'm piling all these things I like about this poem up front because I want you to know I really do like these lines.
However, the rest of the poem wasn't as striking. I felt that a lot of it was too abstract and vague, or used imagery that was cliche or overwrought. Sometimes the simple things are the most powerful, and I think that's the case for your poem. Could you ground the poem with more images/details from what is directly around the narrator, like the sounds (you talk about silence, but is it really actually silent? is there traffic? the sound of people talking or singing or digging?), the taste and smell (if any), the feeling of the car seat, of window glass. You can piggyback a lot of the emotions you are exploring onto these sensory details.

Take for example this little poem I'm writing on the spot:
Even the dim mood lighting is too bright
and there's a buzzing in my head
unrelated to the low conversations
surrounding us, whispered I love yous.
Even the sickly-sweet chocolate cake
bought for me in what I now see as pity,
turns bitter after those eight words:
"I think we should go our separate ways."

Hopefully you can tell that the narrator is feeling some very strong, negative emotions in this, but you still get very specific imagery to ground the reader in the scene.

Compare that to:
"Without the loving true family I wished for

Singing with grace through the
Soft crestfallen
Silence falling from the

Heavens in a single tone abreath a"

There's nothing physical here to ground me as a reader. I feel like I'm lost, floating in space, and not in a good way.

"Headstrong as I
Hike down into a valley of
Hopeless desire

Singing in a
Salty voice beneath
Starless skies dark"
This doesn't really mean anything to me (although again I do like the description of a voice as salty, I just don't know what you mean by it).

"Water dripping down my cheeks as I cry in
Wrath and misery"
...
"Wandering in pain as I continue my
Song so broken by days and nights of shattered
Hearts and dead relatives

Haunting my dreams and every
Sing lyric I sing"
These parts just feel way overdramatic to me.

The image of the "weak hand falling upon her" is just so strong though. I love that as an ending though part of me wants clarification of abuse earlier... I'm really not sure what to advise here.
I think if you play around with some of the strongest parts of this poem and remove the weaker parts and replace them with strong imagery, I think you'll have an extremely tight poem. It's already very good, but I believe you can make it even better!
Hope this was helpful!
~Rook

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I like this poem! I think you did a marvelous job of conveying the loss of a relative. I think it's interesting to write from the perspective of mourning someone you've never known. It's definitely a unique relationship to explore, and I think your poem did a fantastic job of doing it!

One thing I really enjoyed was the alliteration from stanza to stanza. I was interested why you chose "w," "s," and "h" as the repeated letters. It could be that it just worked out, but leave my poetic brain to hope there's a more symbolic reason, like maybe they were this person's initials? Whatever the reason is, I think it's a really interesting combo of letters to go for, and the subtle pattern they create throughout the poem really elevates it.

The one thing I did wonder about was the symbols between the stanzas. Since you've got phrases that go between stanzas sometimes, I feel like it broke them up almost too much? I know you've got to preserve the pattern, but there were times when I felt like it disrupted the flow. One thing I think would make it better was if you eliminated the symbols between the stanzas. I know white spaces works weirdly on this site, so if you put a whole bunch of spaces instead of symbol, it should work.

I was interested in the last stanza. A majority of the poem seems to be about mourning a dead grandfather, but then there's the introduction of the "she" in the last stanza, and the tone turns a little less than favorable towards the speaker's grandfather. I thought that that was a bit confusing. I think either by clarifying who this "she" is or making the tone towards the grandfather more consistent would clear up that confusion a bit.

Specifics

Heavens in a single tone abreath a

Holy laurel with an olive

Hitched upon its branch

Sing lyric I sing in hate of his