Beautiful and dark. <3333 take care of yourself and keep writing
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Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
My hands vomit blood
In streams like slithering pythons
Veins slit and crisscrossed
With the cross of redemption
***
Weakly I remember that night
The smell of supper wafting to my nose
Pork, gravy and rice
Barely tasted as I swallowed
***
Tired I sat in my purple keeper outfit
Eyes clicking closed as I drank my water in gulps
Gloves torn off hours before
Finger swollen from the ball's spinning flight
***
I stretch my legs out
Turn on the TV and watch its entrancing picture
But I'm pulled away
The shower awaits
***
But before I can
My Dad walks in with a frown upon his face
He screams, You sift slob! , and demands I go and shower
Though it's early in the day, still Winter's sunset
***
He looks at me again
Frowns deeper and shouts
Tells me to stop acting like an arsehole
To shower before he makes me
***
I walk out of the bathroom
And he screams at me again
My anger comes in a guilty tone
In a girl's voice, I say, I need to get some clothes
***
A girl's voice, I think as he voices it
And stares at me like a witch
He said it then, a painful jab
"No wonder you and Katie love hanging out together."
***
I walk away, profanity in my head
Katie, I want to scream, has nothing to do with this
He hates I love her
A girl shouldn't love a girl he says
***
That's what he always says
And hopes I'm really a boy
Because a son is all he wants
A son that loves nature as "only girls can"
***
But I don't want to care
I just want to let it go
I punch my bed's wooden frame
I don't even grimace as I watch my knuckle bruise
***
Can't I punch again
Again and again
Harder and harder
And like a cloth frays let the skin tear
***
Can't I just hurt myself to make the pain go away
Can't I just put this pen into my wrist to unclog my throat
Can't I just take one last breath and shove in the hate
Die a girl at least, not what he wants to force me to be
***
But I think it over as I write this
And I decide not to be so drastic
To vanquish the pain I must hurt myself again
I imagine the torture
***
Why do I want to break my foot with one kick to my bed's roof
Why do I want to punch the bathroom mirror and in fright watch it crack
Why do I let my hand slip and fly for the wall, only just holding back my fist
Why do I pull out my Maths set and saw into my skin
***
Because I exist
I'll answer all four
Because my Dad's insulting screams make my throat tighten with hate
And I realize the reality of the words hitting me, smacking me in the face
***
Demolishing my heart
Taking everything away
I wish to throw my phone to the floor
I wish to watch him crack my computer over his knee
***
I can't look away
I can't pause to take a breath
I seem to choke on solid air
And the thought makes me wish I could hold my breath for just long enough
***
My hand aches from writing
But the red hot feeling inside is still exploding
And I can feel my foot itching as if this is what I want
Gnarled and twisted, bones split in half
***
My arm seems to fall out of its socket but I just keep writing
Dad turns the alarm on with an annoying screech as he brushes his teeth
The cloud thunders above my head in a fit of rain
And I remember all his words
***
Stop being such a girl, I flip my hair
His hand twitches, I stand still and listen to him tell me he could floor me
Shut up you little shit, but I demand my phone, there's a soccer match tomorrow
Cut your hair you little twit, I hold the scissors in my hands, "Should I?"
***
Just to be your perfect tomboy
Who makes sure every girl in me is binded
Hidden beneath bulky boy clothes
And soccer socks that are green not pink
***
Knowing the scissor will slice through my neck like I want it to
Just to end the torment of wanting to be the girl I was born to be
Because maybe that's why you bully me
Maybe that's why you hate me
Hi there Moonglade! I saw this poem of yours has been in the Green Room for a while, so I thought I'd drop by with a little review for you.
I'm not going to lie, my first impression of this poem is that it's loooooong. That's not necessarily an inherently bad thing, but I do tend to find that in poetry, often it's the most effective to convey your message in as few words as possible. Otherwise, the reader can begin to get a bit distracted and bored, which means they don't end up enjoying the wonderful poetry as much as they could have. Obviously you're the one who gets to decide what's important to the poem, and what exactly the message is that you want the reader to take away from it; I would just suggest that you look through and see if any stanzas are a bit redundant or don't add much overall to the poem, and consider cutting those out. That way, the remaining stanzas will pack even more punch!
For example one stanza that could be taken out without changing the meaning of the poem at all is this one:
I see what you're doing here with the repetition, but personally, I don't find that it really adds much oomph to the poem, since the surrounding two stanzas deal with the same idea as well.Can't I punch again
Again and again
Harder and harder
And like a cloth frays let the skin tear
Hello Sugar!
This piece, i can tell hits close to home, so I'll try to gently critique a mix of context and content. Big hugs if you've felt this personally. I'll just go stanza by stanza, so you know what I'm talking about:
Stanza 1: The last line of this stanza breaks up the flow and doesn't add to your poem.
Stanza 2: You need a comma after weakly. This stanza has a lot of natural breath breaks and deserves a little more description using feeling words and adjectives.
Stanza 3: You need a comma after tired. What is a purple keeper outfit, and you need the word fingers instead of finger.
Stanza 4: What makes the shower pull at the main character? Add some description as to why it was important because as is, it just feels like you're talking at your audience and not with them.
Stanza 5: What is the significance of the word sift? your dialogue seems very stiff and doesn't help your work flow naturally. The last line should say either early in the day or winters sunset, not both.
Stanza 6: This stanza is kind of confusing because the dad seems angry without being provoked, and again the word "arsehole" doesn't flow like natural dialogue.
Stanza 7: How'd did the character get from the living room to the bathroom? The setting isn't very certain in any part of this, so maybe add for detail so we know where everything is taking place. This is the first trim in the poem we see the significance of gender, and maybe we should see that earlier on, so we can see why the dad is provoked.
Stanza 8: The first line in this need reworked.
Stanza 9: Loved the first line, very creative! It should be he hates "that" I love her. this is the second time gender is mention, and we're forced to believe you're a girl, but are you questioning your character's sexuality and not gender?
Stanza 10: The last line is too confusing. What is boy nature? like outside nature or our genetics?
Stanza 11: This is the perfect place to add more description and feelings.
Stanza 12/13: Maybe try saying it a different way than having can't at the beginning of every question. Are you introducing transitioning for this character here?
Stanza 14: let the readers imagine torture with you, what does this torture consist of?
Stanza 15: What's a bed's roof? Whats a math set?
Stanza 16: Switch line one and two around
Stanza 17: This is a good description of needing destruction to release inner frustration
Stanza 18: This part is so relatable
Stanza 19: This stanza as a whole isn't needed, but I really like the first two lines.
Stanza 20: This is also where setting gets confusing. how did the character around the feather? Are they in the bedroom, bathroom, living room? Are they actually communication or not out loud?
Stanza 21: this dialogue is unrealistic and doesn't flow naturally.
Stanza 22: What does the part every girl mean?
Stanza 23: You're missing the why for the dad character.
Overall: You did a good job covering the topic, but with some more character, detail, and setting descriptionI think you could tighten this up and make it better.
XOXO- Rascalover
Points: 33
Reviews: 105
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