Hello, hello! RagingLive here to review your amazing short story!
First off, this short showed wonderful imagination that played off of the reader’s as well. I think it was a wonderful piece of writing and I can’t wait to get into the review, so let’s get started!
A slight breeze rustles the blades of grass around her, causing them to sway back and forth, as if they were dancing to a tune.
I underlined the second comma because, going by the glow of the poem, I’m not quite sure that it’s necessary. If it were me, I would remove it, but I don’t think that it poses a serious grammatical error so you’ll have to decide for yourself.
No, not just any body…. Her body.
Here is a slight misuse of ellipses. When using ellipses, the proper way is to have three dots each separated by a space and a space before and after the sequence unless you are ending with quotations. I’ll show both examples:
“No, not just any body . . . her body”
“No, not just any body . . .”
The second example isn’t telling you to change it, it was just an example of ellipses ending with a quotation mark.
She clutches her head tightly and she falls to her knees.
I would change the ‘and’ to an ‘as.’ To me it just seems to flow better, but that can be a matter of personal opinion.
Nice ‘nightmare’ scene by the way!
The water continues to flow evenly and the breeze continues to blow gently, calming Eveline. Snap!
Here, I would suggest that you move the ‘snap!’ onto its own line and also italicize it to make it seem more dramatic. As it is, it just looks like someone saying, “Oh, snap!” but you want it to sound like a Snap!
A few paramedics rush to the wrecked houses. They climb over the rubble in search of survivors.
I know that paramedics are firefighters just have extra training, but I think it would make more sense if you referenced the ‘firefighters and paramedics’ just to clear up some confusion.
I do think that it’s odd that Chase would be allowed to take the book, maybe Luke should put up a bit more resistance to the idea. Also, I think that it would be cool if you had Chase give a brief description of what the book was about, unless you want it to be as mysterious and ominous as it can be by just calling it a ‘red book with silver binding.’ That’s cool, too.
Like the others don’t think that the last line is needed, but it you do want to keep it, I would say remove the bolding and font as it’s really distracting when you’re trying to read the main section of the story but have scrolled just enough to see the ending.
I think that you show great promise in writing. You have a good eye for detail, and I loved how in her daydream/nightmare she kept feeling things but also kept brushing them off. That was genius!
Please, keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RagingLive
Points: 4915
Reviews: 172
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