I was inspired by Stella Thomas to write this prologue 
It's a dragoon, not dragon. It's a cavelry
That day, Laying out of a parched and mudded window, I for the first time inhaled and truly took in the world around the village. The flowing hills of minted grass, seemed a normal insight on any unimportant day. My mother stood hunched over a small wooden pail, her ruby hair bristling in the wind and scattered across her emerald attire, seemed perfectly at ease. My Two baby brothers, Athdar and Bedyw, were playing in the overgrown courtyard, chewing on their toys. This was a normal day but the only difference, the only thing that made me look above the mountains was the approaching crowd. A formation of golden dragoons enshrouded the windswepped landscape with a menacing approach. The village leaders new of this day. The future was foretold many months ago, when a dispute was aggravated by Gorsedd, the elderly and wise man who sustained our village through the toughest cold seasons known. He called to the gods and saved us all. No-one quite knew what’d happened but we all knew they were coming.
Pages.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a very dramatic start to proceedings here. It is most definitely quite appropriate for a prologue. Its a very interesting scene of these armed warriors marching in and well its quite a fun scene to start a story off with. Before I get a little more into the details of the scene though, I'll start by saying that this could do with being broken up into a couple of paragraphs here. Its a little bit too much stuff here to be stuffed into just the one single paragraph and I think breaking it up could really help make this flow a bit better and just overall improve things.
Aside from that its quite a cool scene. The description could maybe be bit more detailed to convey a little more, but then the somewhat vague nature ends up quite suiting this piece because we do have ourselves a rather dramatic situation and the more mysterious such situations are, the more effective they usually happen to be in a prologue, so I think we're off to a pretty neat opening here.
Overall, a solid piece, it could be expanded upon for sure, but as it stands, its actually not bad.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The story is really gripping, as I do love a good olden times fantasy!~
By the way LoVeLeSs, emerald attire is being used to describe the womans GREEN CLOTHING!
I expect that she used this to give the description a bit more meat, as well as using the word emerald i get a picture of the clothes being shiny, sleek and green, like the jewel itself
Keep on writing!~
Okay, since everyone else corrected the few mistakes I saw, I'm just going to review you on the story itself.
The beginning was nice and very descriptive. I love the way you phrased everything and described the scene. You described the mother as having emerald attire. I've always associated attire with clothing. Did you mean to say a dragon was wearing clothes? Now, I don't think you were, but this is what I thought of that description.
After you announced the other dragons arriving everything got a little confusing for me. Okay, some dragon man saved your village and now a bunch of other dragons are pissed off? I'm sorry, but I just don't quite get it. Clarify?
Big kiss, review dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
It should be a small letter 'l' after the comma.
'Two' should be 'two' unless it's a name.
This doesn't sound that correct, perhaps change it to 'new village leaders of this day'?
Okay I like this story you have here, about the future changing. I would advise you to go on, this story seems good.
Good luck and keep writing, all the best!
Well, since I'm an inspiration, of course I must critique!
*is flattered*
I. NITPICKS
Why the capital L? Also, try "I, for the first time, inhaled..." This said, though, it's not exactly a thrilling first line...
Normal insight?
Okay, wow, this is not a detail to just spend one sentence on in the middle of a paragraph. Expand on it! Make it exciting! Thrill us!
Alright so.
II. HOOKS
So, when we're first reading a story, we need to be pulled right in. It needs to be thrilling. Plus, it needs to be the beginning of a story. A story starts when the character's life changes. Here you spend a lot of time explaining how normal the day is, then when it seems like action is going to begin, it doesn't.
You seem like you've got an interesting start here, but we're not shown how the dragons affect your MC's life, or even who your MC is. A beginning should try and incorporate your main character, some conflict and an interesting point that will change them forever. If it's a prologue, it should be an event before the actual story begins, often years before.
Think about that.
III. OVERALL
Interesting start!
-Stella.
Hey , the NewHero here to review.
Let's start at the end shall we?
The dragons arrival seems to be tensionous right? I didn't feel that. Maybe make it a breakaway paragraph. Then describe the dragons, if they're gold, describe it. Then combine that description in a simile. Like a gold veil. Really, really des ribe them. The wind on your face of their large flapping wings. The sound. They're every grunt or their absolute quiet. The smell. The revernce and quiet that fell upon your village.
Now to the beginning:
You start out telling us you were really appreciating your village. I think this says something about your character but why are you really watching the village anywhere. Did you have an epiphany in your dreams? I wonder.
I think you might ad what your character felt like as the dragons approached.
Okay, that's the review part. Now,
I think this was a great review, a tad short and no paragraphs. Even if they weren't meant to be there, make at least one more. Maybe your character's name or age? I'm thinking she's eight. Anyway.
I think I could learn something from you about Prologue's. Mine are more like chapter 1's. By the way, if you shortened this and gave it quotation marks, it could be the blurb on the back of the book. Just saying. Great writing ahead of you, PM me the next chapter.
Hero up, up, down, up, down, leaps again and he's off into the distance.
Then, I think you might want to set the tone for the dragons arrival. Describe the village so we get a sense of time and space, when and where. Then say something about the 4th dimension of ambient emotion that lingers in the air. Say how everything feels.