It was so easy to say goodbye to you.
That should have been the first sign.
When you pulled the rug beneath my feet,
You flipped my world upside down without a care for the damage,
And despite a year of learning my darkest secrets,
You acted as if you hardly knew anything about me.
As if I was just a ghost momentarily passing by,
Only dropping off the necessities for your own selfish needs.
And when you left even after you promised not to,
You dug a ditch for me to sit and took my happy with you.
I was eight years old when I met Selena.
Her name falls off my lips like it’s been dipped in poison,
I haven’t dared to speak her name in six years,
But at the time she was my best friend.
My life formed to fit hers to fill the lonely gap that I can never grasp,
And when she broke the bond that held us so close,
It snapped so loudly it rumbled in my chest,
And I can still hear it echoing against the walls of my hollowed heart.
They say within time you will move on,
But I’m still suffering with each memory that rings,
Each scar that I will not recover from,
And you only ever continue to dig deeper.
I was fourteen years old when I met you.
And I can imagine that in six year’s time,
Your name too will fall off my lips in a deadly form.
When you walked into my life, it was the time I most needed it.
I craved the feeling of running farthest away from my greatest fear,
And that was being alone.
So how perfect it was to see you standing there.
Arms wide open, friendly and inviting grin,
A spell that makes people tell you things that they don’t want to tell.
And the whole school rooting for your innocent persona.
It makes things so easy for you, now doesn’t?
To reach your nimble fingers inside my chest and rip out whatever you please.
I’m not a game for you to play anymore.
And I hate the person that you’ve made me become.
You’ve dragged out my pain as if it would make it hurt less
And now you force me to watch how great your life is doing without me.
But I don’t need you to be happy either.
Any pain to get there will be less than what you’ve brought me,
And I’ll prove to you that my life can be great too.
So I will close my eyes and turn off the light,
And for the last time I will easily say,
Goodbye.
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Hey there NeverNeverLandGirl,
I really loved this poem, I felt like I could completely connect to how you're feeling. We all have that one friend that has made us feel so wretched and the emotions you expressed really showed us that. I also really liked the use of poetic terms, I see metaphor and personification. The greatest part about this poem, I think is how real it all is. You are telling us how you feel in a way we can all connect to it and the fact that we get it is what makes you such an awesome writer.
As much as I loved it, there were a few grammatical errors which can quickly be fixed.
"And I'll prove to you that my life can great too" and "I''m not a game for you play anymore."
It doesn't take away much from the story but it's better if it flows. Maybe make it
: "And I'll prove to you that my life can be great too." and "I'm not a game for you to play anymore."
There was another line I had a problem with: "You've dragged out my pain as if it would make it hurt less." This is a bit confusing. It's either you mean, she made you feel pain or she took away your pain. With the context of the poem, you might mean she made you feel pain but with the next part : "As if it would hurt any less" it contradicts itself. You should look into this. Or maybe I read it wrong?
Irregardless, I really did love this poem and I hope you've been able to deal with the heartache from your friend.
I look forward to reading more.
-Swavvy xx
Awe, you're too kind. Thank you so much. I didn't even notice those errors, I just plugged them in whenever I read over it. I'll fix those right away! By dragging out the pain, I mean it in a sense of she gave me pain like she was slowly tearing off the band-aid instead of all at once. She thinks that way it would make it hurt less when in reality, it gives you more. Does that make sense? Do you think it should still be worded differently? Thanks for the feedback, it meant a lot to me!
no problem. what you mean makes sense but the way you wrote it, it may confuse. maybe you should add the band aid idea. I think it would work well.
I can't tell you how much I relate to this poem... I can't rewiew this right now, but I will come back and review it soon.
You're sweet. Thanks for taking the time to read it, and I hope it can help whatever you're going through. Times like these sucks.
Hola, Neverneverlandgirl, I've got to say, i really like this poem. It honestly feels like something you might hear in an adele song. Even for a poem, it's poetic, and i really like that.
I really think it's cool how you can put heartbreak/ meaning behind losing a friend, because most poems and songs and stories, you name it, are about losing a significant other. You changed the formula and it actually works really well.
Nitpicks:
Just a typo, you said "of" when it should be "off" in the sentence: "Your name too will fall of my lips in a deadly form."
Another typo; "then" should be "than" in "Any pain to get there will be less than what you've brought me..."
The last line, I am not a fan of just the single word "goodbye". it just feels a little overused, but what I do like about that part is where you say "...I will easily say,". The word easily really adds a whole new layer of hurtwithout breaking the flow.
Have a Jolly 2016 and dont stop writing!
You just compared my poem to an Adele song. I think I'll love you forever. I'm going to fix those typos right away, thanks for noticing them. I can agree that goodbye can be a overused ending, but I was kind of connecting it to the way I started out the poem and I think it makes it stronger. But thank you again!! Your words meant a lot to me.
Hey! Ever here for a review!
I liked your poem! I know that losing anyone is hard, and I relate to this.
I like your style I this poem. I have never really liked hard rhyming schemes. The only thing I have to complain about is word choice, and it's mostly only the word "damage" at the beginning.Also, you could replace a few words with more emotion invoking words (please forgive me if that's the wrong word, I can't remember if t is at the moment)
Anyways, I liked your poem and was happy to read it!
Ever
The poem is meant to be a Slam Poem and those hardly ever rhyme. I like them better too(: Can I ask why "damage" wouldn't be the right word and what would be better to replace it? No, I think that's the right word and I'll see what I can fix. Thank you!!
It just feels really long for the poem, if that makes sense. If there was a synonym for damage that you like that's a bit shorter (like "hurt" but that's not really a good one.) then I think it would be good
Some synonyms are ruin, hurt, bruise, bane, and wound.
Okay, I get that. Thank you for your help!
Hello. Though I will mark it a review, it is more or less not so.
I am Abhipsa.
I liked your poem. And I am sorry for you. But you know it happens to everybody. I don't think you want to let everybody know the cause of all this, but just for the sake of the poem, perhaps it is better to mention. That will make it more admirable to read. But that's just my opinion and again you have just described your feelings.
And personally, this kind of a situation is faced by almost everybody. So if forgiving is not possible, you better forget and as you have already decided, move on.
The reason why was almost childish, but she let it happen which is why it hurt me. I think bringing the reason why in would just break the emotion of the poem, if that makes sense. Thank you for the review!
Well, if you feel that it was childish, then that would certainly break the emotion