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A study in Rhyming (kind-of-not-really)

by Nerrvany


This is a study in rhyming,

I think I’ve impeccable timing.

I’ve now got all day, and some things here to say,

So sit down now, and hear the words chiming.

-

Some rhymes sound forced and uncouth,

Consequently some words are unused.

Imperfect is something I try to abstain from.

Since critics consider it obtuse.

-

Of form, I may know just a little.

And rhyming I’ve not quite perfected.

Some lines reach the end,

They turn stanza’s bend,

And then they don’t rhyme at all no matter what I do so give me a break.

-

I mentioned form once in the past,

Should have known it was too good to last,

Since cadence takes thought,

Some planning, some not,

I will leave the fine rhythms to the rest.

-

Now free form is somewhat more simple,

At least some might agree on that point,

Since where rhyme scheme concerns,

And cadence returns,

A message is more difficult to convey

because -

You can’t truly express yourself when you’re boxed up because

I just don’t think it’s right – to shut up an imagination in a pen of rhymes and

Contrived schemes, and paid teams of thieves rummage through our heads and decide that,

They don’t like what we’ve filled it with but in the end we know that

It doesn’t matter what they think because these opinions won’t hold to their rules,

Their limits, their boundaries, their roads and rhymes and lines and lies and suits and ties, and

Tiny people getting into big cars to go to tiny offices to work for huge corporations giving them a

Tiny paycheck to pay enormous taxes set by small minds ignorant of big families struggling in a

small town in a big country

-but-

If that’s too exhausting to read and write,

better stick with spiteful prose.

It’s more the type to let you sneer

And snicker through the nose.

-

A clever jest, a sideways glance,

A tightened chest, a fortunate chance.

Giving tit for tat.

-

Satire’s the name,

Mockery’s the game,

Taking fire, giving the same.

-

A written letter,

Could’ve been said better,

But where’s the fun in that?


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:53 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hiya, Nerrvany,

I feel really torn about the feedback I'm about to give, because it seems like you're pretty much aware of the flack that rhyming poetry usually gets and for what reasons, and that you were just kind of riffing on that idea. But basically, because the rhyme and rhythm wasn't perfect and effortless in this poem, I get caught up more in untangling the rhythm/rhyme than enjoying the message. And you know that happens with rhyme, because your last stanza says that just writing the message could have done better, and you mention twisting up lines to try to find a way to make it rhyme. You know that.

And I think the reason I'm wanting to mention it is because this is a great concept. It would be so fun to read a poem complaining about the topic of rhyming poetry while rhyming perfectly. But because it's not perfect, it just seems like you put half effort into it and said "eh, good enough". Because god, would it be hard to perfect this poem.

The other effect that this poem had on me was make me wonder what your free verse poetry is like. You opened up into gorgeous flow and imagery in that section, and I'd like to see what it would look like if it were intentional effort toward a stand-alone poem.

I hope these thoughts are helpful, but I feel like they might not be, since it's kind of just saying "Hey, you have to rework these lines". Maybe, if anything, they can serve as encouragement to take another look.

Anyways, thank you for sharing and good luck! PM me or reply if you have any questions.

Hannah

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Sat Apr 08, 2017 10:08 pm
Cadi wrote a review...



Hi Nerrvany, and welcome to YWS! I hope you're liking it here so far :)

I see you're really playing with the "rules" of poetry with this work, and that's a sure-fire way to win my heart - testing the edges and toying with form can be really fun, and something I certainly enjoy. There are some really nice bits in here where you set up expectations and then subvert them - like the "and then they don't rhyme at all" line.
In terms of areas to improve with this poem, I've got just a couple of suggestions, and they're mostly about just polishing and tightening up what you've already got here.

I found I stumbled a little over the first couple of stanzas when reading them aloud (which is my go-to test for whether something feels like it flows naturally or not - though obviously, like everything, it's a bit subjective). Of course, the poem is all about subverting typical poetry requirements, and you even explicitly say you "will leave the fine rhythms to the rest", but I wonder if the stanza about not doing fine rhythms might have more impact if the preceding stanzas flowed a bit more. (I guess what I'm suggesting here is 'breaking one rule at a time' - so you have the subversion of rhyme with the second stanza, and then introduce subversion of rhythm with the third, building up towards the later part of the poem where you go full free verse. Your call, of course!)

The other thought I had about this relates to the last three stanzas or so. Put shortly, I think you could lose at least two of these without really upsetting the poem. In particular, the "a clever jest" and the "a written letter" stanzas feel a bit weird to me, like they don't really fit with the rest - the "satire's the name" stanza fits in because the whole poem is about satire and subversion, but the other two seem quite disconnected, to me. If you do want to keep them, is there something you could add or change to link them in with the rest of the poem more clearly?

Overall, though, this is a fun poem, and I enjoyed reading it. I look forward to seeing more of your work on YWS!





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