“Sir! The sighting was said to be around this general area." spoke the young man no older than 19. "The breakage should be close by now, perhaps... that way!" his adolescence was evident but suppressed by his on-the-job voice. After speaking he resumed his observation of the forest around him. The trees were tall and thick with large branches obscuring what little light the moon had to offer.
“Good, I’m sick of walking through this bloody forest. You had better be right.” This time the talking came from the eldest of the small group. His name was Arctos and his tone was dangerous and non negotiable. He spoke with an increasingly angry look on his face. He absolutely loathed coming to this forest for any reason. The younger two just looked at each other blankly to keep quiet and thought of what the other was thinking just to avoid an awkward conversation.
Arctos comment had broken the conversation completely, leaving the silence to hang heavy like incense in the fresh night air. The three figures approached an odd light, one that created a thin fence that seemed to stretch for miles either way. The younger two were walking slightly behind Arctos, letting him take point in their search. Both of them were lightly pressing their fingers into the tight and familiar leather hilts of their swords, though this was more of a habit rather than a precaution. The three kept walking.
“Noah, you said we're nearing the sightings, correct?" sighed Arctos, not caring for conversation. He was simply after the satisfaction of an answer.
“Yes sir, that is correct”. Noah's tone dwindled towards the end; Arctos seemed to be bored. Perhaps this was why the third of the companions was yet to speak. Her name was Luciana. Hiding behind her silence she agitatedly looked around for their destination... Whatever they were looking for she wasn't excited to find.
“Well then, any chance the furry looking sack of shit over there is what we're looking for?” Arctos raised his left arm obstructing Luciana's view. They had almost walked straight past it by mistake. Luciana stood straight as the sword at her waist. Arctos’s physical presence was a great burden on her mind even though she was able to hide it. Arctos was quite the dashing young man, but through his fluffy white hair–behind those crystal blue eyes–within his chest where a dying heart lay beating was danger unforeseeable from the outside. She hadn't the slightest clue what, but there was something there… something about her leader that didn’t feel right. She gazed at the scar suspended right before her on Arctos’s arm Luciana felt a sympathy that very few would understand. The scar was deep and black just like the ones on her own body; Noah's too. The scar rested deep in the skin and was dark as if it had been chiseled out and filled with jet black ink.
“Yeah, that'll be the one, let’s check it out hey?" said Luciana, unsure whether she had built up the courage to speak or if fear had pushed her to do it; it didn’t matter now either way. She was simply glad to have said something and smiled to herself in accordance.
“Right, don’t get too close now." Arctos spoke authoritively as he approached the creature, his words carried no emotion. They were nothing but an order. Upon hearing his words, both Noah and Luciana proceeded slightly behind Arctos as they slowly unsheathed their weapons.
They approached the creature; a large black bulging sludge with a hairy exterior was latched onto a heavy set black stone pillar with a small jewel on top of it. The jewel was a speckles white sphere. It was radiating unusual waves of energy. The disipitating waves were clear and glittery yet almost invisible against the night sky. The large leach-like creature seemed to be sucking away at the energy.
The three came to a stop barely two meters away from the leach.
“Arctos... Any idea what it is?" Noah spoke upfront; he had never seen a creature like this, other than small river leeches with a similar appearance.
“None.” Arctos muttered the word quickly. He cared little for Noah's question. He looked through the trees of the forest, his mind weaving terrible thoughts. There were many innocent people living in this forest under the protection of the fence that this very creature had destroyed. Some of these being people he had abandoned years ago but loved too much to forget. This made him uneasy as he watched the trees sway in the gentle breeze that had just stirred up around him.
Though the sun was nowhere to be seen, the dark presence of night was beginning to lift. “Let’s get this thing off our fence before daylight, eh?” Arctos’s hand reached for the hilt of his blade and began to draw. “You should both stand back." His voice sounded full of anger, and with his words came a dull red light slowly growing stronger and stronger as it illuminated his surroundings.
Noah and Luciana jumped back with haste.
End of chapter
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Hey Nerosys!
~ I like how you begin the story with action; a young man reporting to a superior. But since you ended your sentence within the quotation marks, you need to begin your next sentence with a capital letter; also, I think I'd introduce his age a bit later. You set yourself up a perfect opportunity, 'After speaking he resumed his observation of the forest around him'; here you can 'show' us more about it. He can casually run his fingers through his hair (tell us color, length, texture even. i.e. short black hair; thick blond hair; spiked brown hair); or you could tell us a bit more about his wardrobe (a helmet covered his sweaty red hair).Sorry I took so long to get here. My life's been crazy lately.
Anyway, a disclaimer before I begin: My reviews tend to be slow, line-by-line critiques, so they can get a bit lengthy and nit-picky, so bear with me.
Now, getting to business...
And, by describing him to us, you can gradually integrate his youth, instead of just flat out telling us he's 19. As a writer you want your reader to be a part of the story, to imagine that they're right beside the person you're writing about; and by stating information you make the reader more of a passenger to your story than a participant.
~ this again is 'telling' more than 'showing'. I like your description of Arctos; but not the way it's presented. Maybe start "Arctos said, his tone dangerous and unyielding, his face getting harder every moment." Or in a similar manner.
~ I really like your description here, and in the rest of the paragraph! It's amazing! Though 'Arctos' should be possessive; "Arctos' comment".
~ Perhaps you can state this a different way. It's stiff. Maybe try 'Perhaps that was why Luciana hadn't spoken yet.' Since you've already introduced Noah, and made it clear that it was a boy who we first heard talking, it would make it obvious that Luciana was the third person in the party.
~ 'furry-looking'
~ :/ This is really 'telly', though I'm not sure how you can change it. I alway write in a first-person sense, so it's easy to show emotion; but it's possible to show us here.
This sentence was followed by amazingly descriptive sentences! Great job! Description is my absolute favorite part of writing; and your piece has satisfied my hunger for it.
~ I don't fully understand the 'hey'. If it's supposed to be like the Canadian question it should be 'eh'. "Let's check it out, eh?"
~ Typo
I really adore the description in the paragraph.
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Okay! I hope I wasn't too harsh; I was reviewing writer-to-writer. None of it was personal. Overall I really did like your story! It was full of description, which, as I mentioned, I adore.
This is a really interesting start to what I'm sure will be a really interesting story. It's enticing, making me want to read more; see what happens next.
I'd be happy to review for you again if you want me to.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
~Shady
Thanks heaps for the help! You weren't to harsh at all! ^^,
Sorry for replying late, my laptops been in for repairs ( ended up with anew one anyway... go figure) so I have only just been able to fix this up now! I really appreciate you help and it WAS just that, help!
I'd love if you could review the first chapter of this story if you have spare time. I'm not sure I'd be of help but I could at least 'try' returning the favor if you so wish. (and no, I'm not calling the story Project Clair, that is just... the project name? is that normal... hahah )
Anyways, Sorry again... and thank you again!
The link to chapter 1 is under the 'about me' and 'tools' section at the top of the page if you decide to review! (Though I'm sure you know this ^^, )
Hey, PixieStix here to review!
I love this peice, to be honest. The way you described the character(s) thoughts. I'm going to review this hardcore, like you wanted, and all the words I put in bold are the most important.
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Things you are good at:
- The structure! Very well written. The paragraphs weren't too long, or too short, which people tend to do alot. You need to split it up, just like you'd done.
- Details. You really did a good job describing the surroundings; setting. You very well described the way the characters look, also. You didn't just say - 'blue eyes' for Arctos's description. You said, 'crystal blue eyes' which caught my attention. You get a more vibe for the colour, you know? And when you described Luciana, you put her actions as shy and soft-spoken...am I correct? So, You decribed her at one point, standing as still as the sword at her hip. Which told the reader that she has a sword at her hip.
- I'm not very good at prologue(s) but you are! You left us wondering what'll happen! You also made it very clear that it was just the start of the story, and you just wanted the reader to get the vibe of what's happening. I get that perfectly. You made sure there was some background to it, so the reader wont be totally lost and confused, which gave me accent to understand it. Great job on that. : )
- You left us with a cliff hanger! That's great! You made us wonder what's going to happen next. When you typed this:
The last line in this prologue was amazing.
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Things you can do better:
- When people are talking! Remember the number one rule in writing? Well...one of them. When someone is talking, and before the quotations, you must put a comma after it! For example:
Okay, so I just wrote that up for an example. In the last line, where it's in bold, you see where the comma is? Whenever you tyep, "______ said" or "_______ replied" or anything like that, you must put a comma! It makes it easier for the reader!
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That was honestly the only things I saw wrong! Keep writing if you need a reply then feel free to go to my profile ( PixieStix ) and leave a message, or the thread in Will Review for Food!