Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
“Girls, five minutes until you have to leave!” my mother yelled to my sister, Alexa, and I from the kitchen.
Alexa was curling her hair while I was straightening mine, both of us determined to look perfect for our first day of junior year. Although Alexa and I were identical twins, we hadn’t looked the same since we turned ten and now at age 17, we looked as different as ever. Alexa wore her auburn hair long and curled while I kept mine shorter and straighter with bangs.
I reached over to grab the hairspray. As I grabbed the top of the bottle, Alexa’s hand shot over and latched onto the bottom of it.
“What are you doing, Megan?” Alexa asked me as she yanked the bottle toward her.
“I'm using the hairspray.” I replied and pulled it back toward me.
“No, you aren’t. I am using it.” She pulled it back to her.
“No you were curling your hair.” I yanked it back.
“And I was spraying the curls.” She said snapping it back so quickly I almost lost my grip.
“Alexa, give me the hair spray.” I said as I dragged it back.
“No! I need it!” She tugged it toward her.
“So do I!” I snatched it back.
“I need it more!” She yanked it toward her.
“No I do!” I yelled and wrenched it back.
As I wrenched it back, the top of the hair spray snapped off and Alexa and I both flew back into the bathroom walls. I hit my head and fell to the ground unconscious.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
“Megan! Wake up Now!” a voice screamed.
The only thing I knew was I smelled something burning. My eyes flicked open and the entire bathroom was covered in orange. Flames were eating away the wallpaper and wooden counters as smoke engulf the whole room.
I had no idea what had happened. All I knew was I had a horrible headache and was lying on the bathroom floor. I stood up and looked around. There was no sign of the source of the voice that woke me up. The only person in the bathroom with me was…
“ALEXA!” I screamed. Ignoring the flames that licked my body, I rushed over and violently shook her until her eyes fluttered open.
“Meg? What’s going on?” she asked wearily.
“The house is on fire!” I said urgently.
“What! Oh my gosh! The hair spray must have fallen on the curling iron!”
“See, if you had just given me the hair spray-”
“Meg, this isn’t the time!”
“Okay, fine, follow me. I’ll get us out of here.”
Alexa got up, coughing, and followed me as I carefully opened the bathroom door. There was as much fire in the hallway as there was in the bathroom, if not more. I cautiously walked down the hallway. I could feel the fire licking my body but there was a worse pain I could slightly feel growing from within.
I could hear Alexa coughing and it was getting worse. By the time we got into the living room, she was doubled over on our green couch which was now charred almost completely black.
“Alexa! Are you okay? Do you need ti crawl to get away from the smoke?” I shouted to her over the crackling the fire.
“It’s not the smoke,” she said, “I feel like I'm drowning.”
“The house is on fire not flooding.”
“I know,” she replied, “but I can almost feel the water in me.”
“You must be hallucinating because of the heat let’s get you out of here.” I said while scratching at the burning under my skin.
I began to walk over to her when she screamed, “Megan! Watch out!”
I jumped back just in time to miss a beam falling from the ceiling that would have crushed me. Now there was the huge beam that had a fire roaring 4 feet high on it between my sister and me.
“Megan! Are you okay?” Alexa yelled over the fire followed by another fit of coughing.
“Yeah, but I can’t get over the beam.” I yelled back.
“Okay, you find a way out that way and I’ll go this way.”
“Okay, I’ll meet you outside.”
“See you out there.”
“Okay.” I said as I watched my sister disappear on the other side of the flames, still coughing.
I turned and walked into the next room. The fire was getting hotter and so was I. The pain from the heat inside of me was getting worse. It was almost like my blood was boiling.
Then the pain became unbearable. I screamed and fell to the ground blinded with pain. I couldn’t do anything but scream. All I could see was a red stream rising from my skin. My blood was evaporating. I started screaming in both pain and terror. It was then I realized I was dying.
I would like to say I spent my last moments thinking of my sister, hoping she had made it out alive but actually, I spent them screaming. Finally, my head became too light for me to stay conscience. Still immobile in pain I closed my eyes and listened to the cracking of the fire until I could hear no more.
Then everything went black.
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Great job so far!
1. I love how this is going so far. This is a lesson to all girls. Never fight over the hairspray while there is a curling iron turned on.
2. Since comrie pointed out mistakes I'm going to just compliment.
3. I definitely can't wait to see what's going to happen next. I mean I hope Megan doesn't really die because the reason she died is kind of dumb.
4. Great idea though! The ending was a definite cliffhanger. It made me wan to read more and find out what happens to Megan.
Can't wait for more!
Hey there! I think this is a nicely written piece.
I did not expect the ending, to be honest. I was hoping for there to be no death. But it was okay. I will agree with the other reviewers that the pacing here is too fast. It started out as normal morning and then all of a sudden everyone's perished from a fire. I think just a little bit of more information would be nice. Just to give us something to think about while we're reading this characters. Their ending was sad, but because I didn't really know them, I didn't feel anything. I think that sounds a bit insensitive, but since we're talking about fictional people, I guess this is okay. But do you understand what I mean? Just a little more info, please =P
I will say that the detailing was nice. I liked that you said the fire was licking her. I had a visual come to mind and it did indeed look like the fire was in fact licking her. Your style of writing is simple and easily read, which I appreciate greatly!
I noticed a couple errors. Mostly with grammar and spelling/punctuation. I'm gonna point them out and offer suggestions. Take or don't take them. It's up to you ;P
I think you should separate this sentence. And maybe add "were" between "both of us" and "determined." Like: "Alexa was curling her hair while I was straightening mine. Both of us were determined to look perfect for our first day of junior year."
Instead of a period after "hairspray," add a comma. So: "I'm using the hairspray," I replied, and pulled it back toward me.
Comma after "No." So: "No, you were curling your hair."
When people are speaking, you add commas after their last word before going saying something like "she said," "she ordered," or "she demanded." Or anything else like that. That only goes for questions that normally end in periods. So what I think you should do here is remove the period after "curls" and add a comma. Also the "she" does not need to be capitalized. And add a comma after "said." So: [b]"And I was spraying the curls," she said, snapping it back so quickly I almost lost my grip.
Comma after "spray" instead of a period.
"Now" does not need to be capitalized.
Perhaps add "that" after "knew."
Typo. That question should be: "Do you need to crawl to get away from the smoke?"
Replace the period after "here" with a comma.
Replace the period with either a comma or an exclamation point here. I say exclamation point because Meg's yelling.
No period after "Okay." Put a comma instead.
OK. Done with that!
Overall I think this is a fairly nice piece. Just correct some stuff and it'll be even better. Later!
Great story, but very sad as well. I love the detail in the story, how you made all of that happen just by a small incident with a can of hairspray. But i do think you could work on making the story a bit slower past, instead of making it all go by so fast. Maybe explain more about their personalities and their relationship with each other. Also you could explain more about their appearance then just their age and hair? But overall, it was really great and I loved it!
I have three main criticisms, and one minor:
I agree with Supermeggs12–-the pace is much too fast.
Perhaps have a brief overview of a school-day, and then have the girls do their hair for a party or night out? I'm aware this is the prologue, and you need to maintain the brevity, but it jumps into the action too quickly. Maybe lengthen it and make it Chapter One.
When they're fighting over the hairspray I would recommend summarising the fight. For instance, 'Alexa and I continued pulling back and forth--equally eager to retrieve the hairspray--throughout our quarrel.'
The constant 'yanking,' 'wrenching,' and 'snatching' is quite draining on the reader. Thoughts of 'Will this ever end?' entered my mind as I read that part. Not because of the speech, but due to the ten or so sentences describing the pulling. One or two exclamations of the tug-o-war would suffice.
My final main criticism is on the fire description. I can't tell if Alexa is burning or not, is the fire touching her skin? By the way you wrote it it seems like the flames ARE touching her, in which case she WOULD be burning, and would most definitely be thinking about the burns. If she wasn't burning due to some super-power then she would most definitely be thinking about the fact that she wasn't burning.
The only other thing was to ask you to do your homework. Are you sure blood can evaporate out of someone's skin without the skin and blood vessels and muscle first being removed? Are you sure blood can even evaporate?
If it's not blood, make sure Alexa questions whether it is even blood.
Hopefully that didn't all sound mean. I'm just trying to help.
Other than those, very nice characterisation and the stories looking good!
Keep it up.
~njwh
Very sad, but well written. However, I would suggest you work on pace. The piece seemed to go by in a blink, and if you just added more detail to the setting I think it would help a million.
For example, maybe describe what town they are in? Or maybe what the sister's relationship is like? From what I saw, it seems they have the typical love/hate relaitionship that siblings do. However, maybe an explanation of they're school life?
Overall, this was a great piece and I enjoyed reading! Keep writing