E - Everyone Violence

Sons of the Serpent - Chapter 1

The Dark Horse is by far my most favourite place in Babylon. It is possibly the dingiest bar of the lot but I never feel more at home than when I’m sat at the crooked stools of that tavern. Wisps of shisha and cigar smoke somersault through the air in bright reds and purples, dancing across the mist left by the burning chandeliers. They hang in the air delicately, rising up the finite tiers of angled balconies and crooked ledges which all play host to their own set of inebriated regulars. 

They chortle among themselves, spilling beer from different eras carelessly across the banisters making the wood gleam gold and filling the air with the fragrant smell of cinnamon, hops and apples. I breathe it in deeply.

Cass nudged my elbow, swigs of his badger’s ale spilling across the cracked table.

“Looks like you have an admirer, slice.” He raised his eyebrows as he threw his gaze to the Nix leaning against the bar.

She stuck out like a sore thumb against the rags and riches of thieves. She wore thick crimson silks that flowed across the ground like a river of blood. A black bodice cinched her waist, adorned with only the finest lace and her finely manicured nails, sharpened to points, peeked from underneath lavish cuffs of silver. Her sleek black hair was coiled on top of her head, held in place with what I expected were Needlers. Nix always did have a flair for the dramatic.

Her cold eyes were fixed keenly on me, a sly grin creeping up the side of her pale face revealing thin needle like teeth. I disguised a shiver of disgust.

A raggler stumbled across the folds of her fine silks and everyone caught their breath. He collapsed on the ground, his drink flowing freely, laughing manically at a joke he was about to deliver, unaware that his companions no longer cared about the punch line. Everyone’s eyes flashed to the Nix.

When will they ever learn?

The Nix’ eyes flashed white and a high pitched screech escaped her snarling lips. Her hand flew to her hair and a long thin silver knife speared towards the drunkard still giggling on the cobbles.

Yeah, Needler.

It took 72 seconds for the raggler to die. Everyone continued to drink their refreshments solemnly to the sound of his strangled breathing. Chatter quickly started up again once his heart had stopped beating, though it was noticeably more hushed than before.

The other patrons decidedly kept their distance after that, risking chance glances across their shoulders, a mixture of admiration and fear whereas I only felt irritation as the Nix’s eyes continued to bore into me.

She sashayed across the room, all hips and leg escaping from beneath her folds of fabric, casually stepping over the lifeless body as though I should be impressed. Her high heels clicked across the cobbles dragging ribbons of blood with them. I stubbornly stared into my glass.

Ruby red nails grated across the edge of our table, working their way across the grain until they rested delicately near my glass. My eyes flittered to the intricate silver patterns embroidered in her silks; a tangle of vipers and demons. Fitting.

“Well, well…” her voice escaped as a haunting whisper, exotic and entrancing. Luckily such things are lost on me, “what a pleasure to finally meet the one they all talk about…” She put particular emphasis on the word ‘pleasure’ as she wafted her hand through the air, clearing it of the thick smoky haze.

I stared straight ahead. The Nix glided down to my level, tilting her head and fluttering her eyes flirtatiously. My eyes caught the scrawling of scriptures inked on her legs, the tell-tale signs of a Majistar. She delicately laid a hand on my arm.

Cass swallowed. A thousand eyes were watching me in that moment. I suppose some instincts never die.

I twisted my glass around in circles, the golden liquid swishing around the rim. Her nails nipped at my skin as she tightened her grip. I glanced up casually and noticed her cheeks were flustered like some love struck school girl’s.

“I’m sorry…what?” I asked.

Cass giggled into his ale and practically choked on the froth.

The Nix huffed and her tone grew as sharp as her nails.

“I’ve heard a great deal about you Saracen but it appears I was fed false information. You’re nothing but a childish boy cavorting around as a man.” She spat, her face as hard as stone.

“Oh, really?” I grinned, “And what makes you say that?”

The Nix tilted her head to the side as if she were addressing a child.

“You have single-handedly accomplished things that the Serpent Sons have struggled to achieve for centuries,” her voice was poisoned with spite, “Am I really to believe that a man held in such high esteem would address a lady in such a way?”

“But you’re not a lady.” Cass interjected and quickly ducked behind me as the Nix flashed him a white eyed scowl.

“He has a point you know.” I nodded. Her gaze fell back to me. Her teeth visibly protruded from underneath her thin blue lips.

“Just out of curiosity,” I probed, “who fed you such information?”

Her eyes glided behind me and another fit of giggles and choking erupted as Cass slumped against my back.

I grinned and looked down at the table, struggling to stifle a laugh.

“Who do you think you are?” she snarled. I blinked and struggled to speak through my enormous grin.

“Come again?” Cass slid off his stool with a thud and a snort.

“You think you’re all so important don’t you? That you’re untouchable?” The Nix grasped me by my lapels and yanked me close; it took every fibre of my being not to gut her there and then. Cass was instantly on his feet, all humour drained from his face.

She whispered sweetly into my ear, words meant only for me, “Something is coming for you Serpent…something more powerful than you could ever imagine…and there’s nothing you can do about it…” She shoved me back onto my stool and stepped back and slowly untangled the remaining Needler from her tousled hair, the strands tumbled over her shoulders like oil. “You’ll all be the same in the end, nothing but low-life snakes”

Her hand slashed through the air unleashing the thin sliver of steel. Cass moved first, kicking a stool from underneath a gawking drunk and swinging it into the line of fire.

A shatter of splinters littered the floor as the knife cracked through the wood. It crashed to the ground and the Nix lashed out, nails poised to kill.

I darted sideways and her nails carved into the table. A nail-biting squeal echoed around the room followed by a murmur of groans. The Nix hissed in frustration. I rammed her from the side, twisting my boots into her silk trail, tearing it away in strips as she fell. She collapsed to the floor in a flurry of red and silver threads.

“Do you have any idea how expensi…” she attempted to object before my hand clasped around her throat and threw her against the wooden column by the bar. The barman jumped back in shock and dropped the glass he was buffing without a second thought as rushed into the storeroom and slammed the door shut. Dust fell like snow from the exposed rafters above us.

“This low-life snake,” I seethed, “could kill you, right here, right now and no one would bat an eyelid. In fact, I’m sure they would welcome it since you just slew one of the best crooks to walk into this place since the 18th Century.” The tavern had fallen deathly silent. The Nix glanced round, her eyes wide in fear. A hundred eyes were all fixed on her with the same measure of contempt.

She tried to pull away from my iron grip. Her legs kicked furiously inches above the ground, the sharp of her heels scraping across the stone. Panic was etched all over her face; her skin was paler, if that was at all possible and beads of sweat trickled down her neck.

“Fortunately for you,” I said whimsically releasing her from my grip, “I respect this establishment too much to leave an unsightly stain on the floor.”

She drooped against the column, drawing ragged breaths, her eyes twitching between me and the door. She was afraid. Bless. I glared into her terrified eyes, silently satisfied a smirk played on my lips.

“Unlike some people.” I muttered, my eyes wandering towards the blood pooling around the edges of the bar before turning back to the terrified Nix.

She ducked out of the door without another word and she was quickly swallowed by the darkened streets beyond, her footfall clicking away into the distance.

A group of brigands quietly excited, passing me a sly wink. Their hands rummaged inside their waistcoats and trousers for their slicers and flintlocks.

Cass was instantly at my side, swaying on his heels.

He pointed his glass towards the door, “I like it… get the punters to do the work for you,” He took another swig and shook his head, “You shoulda’ killed her, “he nudged me faintly,” I would have.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, “Course you would have, you like to kill first and ask questions later.”

He spun, a devilish grin plastered across his face, “What can I say? People are more beneficial to me dead than they are alive…if you understand my meaning.” He wiggled his eyebrows and tapped the bulging pocket of his slightly sodden jacket. “Now what can I get you that isn’t sweetened water?” He asked as he wobbled his way towards the bar.

I raised an eyebrow at him.

Cass pursed his lips and nodded. He spun around flinging his arms up, almost knocking a chandelier out of the air, and dramatically announced, “A mead for my poor companion, it saddens him so to leave such foul blood un-spilled!”

The bar erupted in cheers. I looked down to hide my grin.

I took my seat once more, this time scuttling along the peeling ruby leather of the booth to slump in the corner. My clothes were considerably stickier than before. Dammit Cassius, why can’t you hold your ale?

I pulled back the thin black cotton of my sleeve to expose the inked snake writhing around my wrist. I stroked along the scales as they plumed and swirled like smoke and then it vanished beneath the skin in an instant.

I looked up to the bar and saw Cass flirting with a small dwarfish man, he was twirling his hands through the man’s braids, and he was none too happy about it. The dwarf punched him squarely in the face and Cass bobbed away howling and cackling. I gave out a solitary laugh and shook my head.

The snake reappeared on my wrist with a hiss like burnt steel dipped in water. I looked towards the doorway and noticed the first snakes of smoke entering the room. They slithered with purpose, heading straight for the lifeless body at its centre. The darkness gathered over the body and its pool of blood, fangs and tongues escaping from the cloud of smoke with anticipation. They dived on it hungrily, writhing fiercely just as the one born on my wrist.

Everyone stared in amazement, it wasn’t often we Serpent’s willing showed off our parlour tricks. Cass took the sideshow as an invitation to duck out of the dwarf’s reach and joined me in the booth, this time choosing to slide in opposite me. He plonked my mead beside me, and took a large swig of his own.

We sat in silence for a moment, watching the darkness silently slip away, taking with it any evidence of a complication.

“I see you found an admirer too.” I smirked. Cass stopped rubbing his jaw and glared at me. He leaned across the table and eyed me darkly.

“Not. A. Word.”

“I didn’t say anything.” I pursed my lips, the lark bright in my eyes.

“Excuse me gentlemen.” drawled a soft, smooth voice. We sighed in unison and turned towards the figure that had apparated before us. The Messenger.

He stooped, draped in his usual hooded cloak that hid much of his face and his body, leaving little to be desired. The fabric shimmered silver in the candlelight, the silver glimmer made him look like a ghost.

“The Reaper requests your presence.” He drawled, seemingly bored of his own voice.

“But we…” Cass protested.

Immediately.” He sniped and disappeared in a puff of smoke that mingled with the haze of the room.

“Do you think he’d demote me if I shot him?” Cass pondered before guzzling his drink. I shrugged and edged out of the booth reluctantly.

“What makes you think you could?” I shouted over my shoulder and headed towards the door. Cass’s knees bashed loudly against the table, followed by a sharp splash as he rushed to catch up. He slipped slightly on the drink that had sloshed onto the floor and swiftly exited; ducking twice as much as he needed too to avoid banging his head on the doorway.

Comments & reviews · 3
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steampowered
Review

Hello NerdBird, steampowered here with a review!

Generally speaking, I really enjoyed reading this. I feel like your writing shows a lot of promise, and I love the world you’ve created here. So I’ll get started. :)

The Dark Horse is by far my most favourite place in Babylon. It is possibly the dingiest bar of the lot but I never feel more at home than when I’m sat at the crooked stools of that tavern. Wisps of shisha and cigar smoke somersault through the air in bright reds and purples, dancing across the mist left by the burning chandeliers. They hang in the air delicately, rising up the finite tiers of angled balconies and crooked ledges which all play host to their own set of inebriated regulars.


I really like this opening. For a start, I find the fact it’s set in Babylon interesting, and it makes me wonder if it’s ancient Babylon or if it’s a city which just happens to be called Babylon. I also like how you’ve taken a dingy place and made it so vibrant and alive with your descriptions. I really got a sense of what the place was like, just from reading this first paragraph.

They chortle among themselves, spilling beer from different eras carelessly across the banisters making the wood gleam gold and filling the air with the fragrant smell of cinnamon, hops and apples.


I like how you’ve alluded to smell here, although this sentence feels rather clunky. I’d recommend splitting it up into two sentences or at least putting in a comma.

She wore thick crimson silks that flowed across the ground like a river of blood. A black bodice cinched her waist, adorned with only the finest lace and her finely manicured nails, sharpened to points, peeked from underneath lavish cuffs of silver. Her sleek black hair was coiled on top of her head, held in place with what I expected were Needlers. Nix always did have a flair for the dramatic.


I really like how you get an impression of what sort of person she is just from these statements. I’m not sure why the image of Doctor Who’s Missy leapt into my head, but it did!

It took 72 seconds for the raggler to die.


I’d suggest writing 72 out as a word. Also, I found this paragraph really telling about how scared everyone is of this Nix… whoever she might be.

school girl’s


Should that be “schoolgirl’s”?

I grinned and looked down at the table, struggling to stifle a laugh.


I’m really getting an impression of this guy. He seems to me to be cocky and immature and thinks rather too much of himself. Which is possibly why he hangs around with Cass, because it makes him feel smart.

the 18th Century


I’d suggest changing this to “the eighteenth century”. Also, it’s obviously not ancient Babylon, just a city that goes by the same name, which is interesting in itself.

I looked up to the bar and saw Cass flirting with a small dwarfish man, he was twirling his hands through the man’s braids, and he was none too happy about it.


I personally find Cass intriguing. I don’t know if I’d really want to read a whole story about him because at the moment he doesn’t seem to be serving much of a use, but he could be interesting to have around and I’d be interested to find out more.

often we Serpent’s


This doesn’t need an apostrophe.

“The Reaper requests your presence.” He drawled


Remember not to capitalise speech tags – the full stop should be a comma as well.

swiftly exited; ducking twice as much as he needed too


I don’t think you need a semi-colon; I’d just go with a regular comma. Also, it should be “as much as he needed to”.

With my initial impressions laid out, I definitely feel like this is intriguing enough for me to want to read more. And… I just checked the date and realised how long ago this was written, so I’m hoping this is still helpful. I don’t think I have any major criticisms of the piece, but these were obviously just my personal thoughts.

Keep writing!

-steampowered-

*bows* Thank you steampowered! ^-^
I'm hoping that once I've finished with False Gods, this will be the next piece I work more on which is why I valued your opinion! ^-^

Thank you!

And Cass...is a peculiar one. Let's just say the Nix isn't the only one with a flair for the DRAMAtic. ;)

Random avatar
JumpyDot
Review

I'm actually ridiculous glad you pointed out the Robin style nature of Cass. There's a reason behind it I assure you ;) though I may tone him down a touch as he does come off as a right plonker!
Saracen is conflicted amongst himself and feels he has to act the better party, though he does have a short temper.
And interesting point to a steampunk world but sadly you are mistaken :)
There will be more on the way though, and with it more world building!
Thanks for taking the time to review!

Cool. Can't wait for the next part. You're an extremely talented writer.

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Lucipher Review

This is a fantastically polished piece of writing. You have done quite a bit of editing and tidy work and, to me, it felt like it could be a published bit of work. Of course, a well-written story does not always yield an intriguing plot, so I will halt my final judgement on the publishing aspect. Nevertheless, I was hooked from the start and by the end of the chapter practically oozing with questions — so you achieved the goal of a good hook. Though, I am only one person, I'm sorry to disappoint.

One thing I did notice that I didn't quite like was something of a stylistic qualm of mine in regards to your dialogue. It is crisp and interesting speech, but you always end it with a period instead of a comma, causing me to stop internally. Then I continue on and you are still using speech tags but they feel unattached to the dialogue. This, as I mentioned, was a stylistic choice and I can recall I book I read recently (unfortunately can't remember the name) that did the same thing. Along those same lines you use quite a bit of adjectives and some senior members who are more experienced writers might tell you to cut down on them, especially in speech tags. Going back through it I didn't find one "said". However, quite like the "rules of writing" (bearing in mind there are none), you can do whatever you like and I actually didn't find it took away from your writing.

The imagery was well utilized, and I don't think I need to pull any quotes from your writing because of how polished it. At this point it would surely come down to an editor making stylistic digressions based on their experiences and expertise in the genre and age group.

Anyhow, this is an awesome piece of writing and I can't wait to read some more!



I don't think so alliyah, but don't quote me on that.
— TheBlueCat