SCENE 1:
(An Edwardian steampunk world - submarines & corsets. Felix, carrying flowers, approaches a coffin that sticks out from behind a curtain. As many people as possible mill about in black. As he walks, we hear his recorded voice)
FELIX RECORDED: Felix van Doren had attended many failed funerals in his time, but this was undoubtedly the worst.
(One of the figures, hooded, grabs the flowers out of his grasp)
FELIX: Hey, those are for-
MAREN: You shouldn’t have.
FELIX: (Recognizing her) Bloody hell-
(He looks around to see if anyone has noticed them. No one has. She holds out her hand. He kisses it.)
MAREN: I have a job for you.
FELIX: Yes?
MAREN: In one word? Zombies.
(Lights down/up. The stage is bare.)
(Felix and Maren enter, mid-conversation)
FELIX: Pay me two thousand pounds, and you had better explain about the zombies Maren.
MAREN: One hundred, I did, and you will call me Your Majesty.
(Still walking, she takes off her cloak and throws it at him).
FELIX: Fifteen hundred- so we’re talking about un-dead brain eaters… Your Majesty?
MAREN: Three hundred- more or less, and that’s better.
FELIX: Twelve hundred- dangerous?
MAREN: Three-fifty. Definitely.
FELIX: Two thousand.
MAREN: (Stopping) You’re kidding.
FELIX: Fine; five-hundred, a shotgun, and I get to call you Maren.
MAREN: Deal.
FELIX: So… why did you fake your own death?
MAREN: So I can stage a resurrection later and save the country from my incompetent successor. Resurrections make one so popular with the common people I’m told.
FELIX: You could assign a regent…
MAREN: Yes, but this is cheaper, and…
FELIX: And you have an ulterior motive that you will insist on keeping from me until some eleventh hour situation in which you will be forced to reveal it; a situation that could be avoided if you were to simply tell me now.
MAREN: More or less.
FELIX: You know, I hate you.
MAREN: No you don’t. You came to the funeral, didn’t you? I knew you’d come.
FELIX: You shouldn’t get my hopes up like that- I thought you were dead.
(Maren shrugs, walks)
FELIX: Where are you going?
MAREN: Hispaniola
FELIX: To fight zombies?
MAREN: More or less. Coming?
FELIX: Isn’t it rude to leave in the middle of your own funeral?
MAREN: I don’t think any etiquette has been established on the subject.
(Felix makes his decision - he follows)
FELIX: So… who’s in the coffin?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, Nephthys.
Good Comments: So far, the script is flowing very well. It is well-detailed (not simple and not too-detailed.) Also, when I first started reading this, I laughed at the part where Felix said:
.... Because the line reminded me of Ron from Harry Potter so I imagined your character, Felix, saying that line just like Ron. xD
The conversation between Felix and Maren was really hilarious, but also serious. I liked how they were responding to each other throughout the whole scene.
At the end of the scene, you ended it with the line:
which causes mystery and suspicion, which is a great way to end the first scene.
Bad comments: I only have one concern. It's just me being confused but in this line:
I just want to know if that's a place or not? that's all, nothing major.
Well, keep up the good work! xD
-K
Hi Nepthys,
I love what you have here. Zombies and steam punk? What more could you ask for?
One problem though. This isn't a story. There is a beginning, and the beginning of a middle, but the rest is nonexistent. I really hope you're not going to stop here.
I think this story has a lot of potential. But what's written so far really resembles a teaser, not a story.
Keep writing!
Well . . . I did enjoy this script, but I was a bit confused.
First of all, your formatting is a bit off, even though it's a stage script. It's a lot better than some people's, though.
Second of all, what is Hispanolia? If it's a palce, WHERE is Hispaniola? This was a bit confusing.
Is this a continuing story? If this is a chapter before this, I guess I should read it, because I was confused on the ending and the characters. As an example, where did the zombies come from? Who is Maren? Why is it a pleasure for Felix to be calling Maren Maren? The biggest question of all, WHOTHEHELLISFELIX?? I really hope that reading the chapters before and after this one helps answer my questions.If not, you have some revising to do . . .
Overall, I enjoyed the witty dialouge and I really do want to learn more about the characters.
Please write more,
Icsnnothearsthings
The story is off to a great start its just needs to be finished
Hi,
I'm not sure what to think of this. It feels very incomplete- is this only the first part of a larger story? I surely hope so, but you should probably specify that. I don't know if you were aiming for comedy while they're bickering about how much he should be paid for the job, I was distracted by the many unanswered questions.
Right now the whole funeral set-up doesn't seem very realistic to me. Why would Maren show up at his own funeral to approach him for a job about zombies? There's a lot of world you just thrust us into, and I think you could easily it up while still being entertaining. Maybe start with Maren's "death" or show us why he needs to fake his death instead of just telling. You mention this is steampunk; that doesn't really need to be set up right away, but just be ever present in the world. But who is this character? Why is he there? Are zombies an accepted existence in the world?
Just some questions I would think about. I can tell you're a strong comedic writer, but there's a lot you should consider when revising this; I want to see this and read more, not leave scratching my head. Good luck!
Very entertaining- I hope you continue the story. I could definitely see this on a screen, but the scene change here might be awkward onstage, although you might not be considering that. I really liked the part where Maren and Felix were debating about Felix's payment- very well done. From a technical point of view, I only had one note; I think there should be a comma in, "Resurrections make one so popular with the common people I’m told," after the word "people."
I looked for other parts to the story, and found the other 'Felix" script, and they don't match up. That kind of bugs be, because I have no idea what happened in between the first 'Felix" and this one. When did Maren die? When did zombies come into the picture? It's almost like they are two completely separate stories with the same characters.
And when you said that this is an Edwardian steampunk world, did you mean that it is a different world from Earth, or is it an alternate Earth?
There's nothing here that I can complain about besides that. I really do hate the playwriting format though, as much as I love to read plays. The big S is my favorite playwright. But so far you come is as number one on YWS. I hope to read more of this soon.
Happy Writing!
HT