Blood has been spilt here
Armour-clad bodies litter the ground
The smell of death is in the air
The reason long forgotten
Lonely are the few who stir
Even as dawn breaks
Few will live to tell the tale
In this war-torn world
Every hope abandoned
Living, are there any who still believe
Death is not the only answer?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Wow! I think it's awesome that you chose to do an acrostic poem!
I definetly agree that more punctuation is needed, but I love the message of the poem.
It doesn't flow quite right, but you could probably fix that by changing a word or two.
Overall, I loved it!
This is great for a first poem. I haven't seen an acrostic for such a long time, so well done for being so refreshing.
Your use of smell in the third line is very vivid and you could really push this kind of sensory imagery in your work to make it extremely powerful. More punctuation would help break up the piece and give it a sense of rhythm and flow.
Great stuff all the same. 8/10
This is wonderful. I especially like the last line. It could use a little more description, so that one may clearly picture the horrors of war. Simply an opinion, perhaps that is not the effect you are aiming for.
The people above me all have great critique, so I won't bother repeating their words...
This was a really interesting poem. I really haven't seen this kind of thing since first grade, but this poem made it grow up. I am inspired to try a few of my own now.
Very, very nice job. It could use a bit more rhythm, but the idea behind it was pretty darn cool.
*thumbs up*
Great job.
~GryphonFledgling
Hello there, young one. I noticed this floating around, so I thought I'd give it a shot. You have a great idea going here, and a unique way to go about it. My crit is basically a couple of punctuation things.
I think you should put a semi-colon after "here" in the first line, and a period after "ground" in the second line.
Comma after "air" in the third line, and period after "forgotten" in the fourth.
This last chunk is tough. Because you don't have any punctuation, I don't know what you're trying to say. My suggestions are as follows:
Your lack of punctuation makes the poem a little confusing to read. You want the poem to make an impact, not leave them scrambling for a meaning. You have excellent word choice (and to be honest, I'm a little jealous). Just work on experimenting with punctuation in your poems, and you'll go far.
Great work! Hope to hear more from you.
I think you should unbold the main letters of the title. Yes, it draws attention, but it distracts. Let the reader do the realizing, don't for it on them.
Also some of these lines don't make a whole lot of sense, grammatically or otherwise? Poems like these (I forget the word?) are usually hard to write. And there is no punctuation what so ever--that would help me understand more.
Sorry this critique was so brief. ^^;
Hello! Seeing as you're a new member I would like to welcome you to the site!! I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself
On to the critique:
I like the idea and the poem was rather good, but there wasn't much flow. The idea of the across poem (Is that what you call it?) is cute, a little too cute for the serious issue you're discussing in your poem.
That line seemed too long, and I go back to my original point that the poem didn't flow very well.
I like the image of blood being "split". Nice job.
Overall it was an okay poem, I think you could do so much more if you broke out of the structure you created (Across poem, I think?).
Keep writing!!