Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Chapter 1.
Caroline
I can’t believe it’s already senior year. I’m so eager to leave this place. I’m ready to start my future at Duke University to become a lawyer. My family thought it would be the perfect career for me since I love to ask a million questions. I couldn’t have done it without my best friend and girlfriend. I can’t wait for Senior Year!
I’m so excited to be finishing the year with some amazing people, like my best friend Breslyn and my girlfriend, Scarlet. We’re all seniors this year and it’s so exciting. My best friend Breslyn has long blonde straight hair and sky blue eyes and as skinny as they come but I love her. Now my girlfriend is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She has brown hair with beautiful grey eyes and is slim. I can’t believe it’s been two years since we started dating. I actually thank my friends Chloe and Ezra for introducing us when she first came her freshman year.
” Hey Bre, can’t you believe it’s senior year already! I’m so pumped for this year!” Caroline says. Everyone likes to call Breslyn, Bre. She’s had that nickname for so long, the teachers even use it when they call roll.” Senior year is going to be the best year yet!” Breslyn says back.
As I keep talking to Bre, we reach the rest of the group before first class.” Are we having that assembly today?” Noah asks the group. They all shake their heads yes and the first bell rings.” I’ll see you guys at lunch.” Ezra James says. Chloe and Ezra are best friends with my girlfriend. I don’t really hang out with them other than when the group gets together but I know Chloe is a sweet popular girl and Ezra is the sweetest but the most popular guy at Boveda High School, and he has a major crush on my best friend Bre but can’t find the guts to tell her.
Lunch time comes around and I find my friend group at one of the tables outside.” I don’t know how you can eat that nasty shit Darien. It doesn’t even look edible.” Noah says as I’m approaching the table.” What may not be edible to you, will always be edible to me.” Noah replies back and takes a big bite of his food, rolling his eyes back like it’s a 5 star meal.
Darien James is brothers with Ezra and Chloe’s, let’s just say, fling. He’s tall with dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He also plays on the football team while his brother plays for our baseball team, their dad coaches both, athletic family huh?
Noah is dating my sister. I used to think he was a good guy but since he’s been with her, things started to change. I mean he still seems good but also a little weird. He just asks out of pocket questions and doesn’t think twice about it.
“Thank you everyone for attending this assembly today. After we're done here, you all are free to go home. Now I’m principal Mr. Parker. Welcome back to Boveda High School! Now this here assembly is about suicide prevention. Now I know we’re talking about this a little earlier than September but we do it this month as well because… Well a local sweetheart named Victoria(Vickie for short) Adams took her own life in this month. It was such a hard loss for everyone because she was loved by so many people in this small community. Such a bright young lady with great potential. Now in her honor, we will watch a memorial and a short video on suicide prevention. Then you are free to go. Have a fantastic day everyone!” Mr. Parker says over the microphone and starts playing the videos.
I can’t believe it’s been 3 years already.” Hey Caroline, why don’t you tell the principal to stop whining about your little ugly lesbian girlfriend. Nobody cares anymore. All you fucking dykes deserve the same fate as her.” a boy walking past us says. As soon as my sister heard those words leave his mouth, she grabbed his arm and started twisting it behind his back, making him beg her to let go and she whispers in his ear,” The fuck did you just say to my sister? I’ll break your fucking arm right now! Say another damn word to her again, I’ll slit your throat while you're asleep”. I looked at the boy and he looked absolutely mortified. I wonder what she said to him.
Chapter 2.
Amy.
I really wonder what it would feel like if I slit Vickie’s throat. Or maybe drowning her would be better, I can feel the life leave her body if I strangle her. I don’t understand how everyone likes her, including my sister. She’s a bully and I would love to just watch the life drain out of her. I know once we hit High School, Vickie’s going to be even worse to me. High school is when people’s actual colors start to show more.
“Hey Amy, where’s Caroline and Vickie?” young 14 year old Breslyn says. Even though they're only going into 8th Grade, Breslyn ages before anybody else. I guess you could say she’s the oldest person in all of 8th grade. Her birthday is August 2nd, while everyone else is later in the year, I don’t think the next person's birthday isn’t till October.
Since Vickie moved here in sixth grade, my sister and her best friend were the first ones to introduce themselves to Vickie to make her feel comfortable. A year later, they are the best of friends and can’t wait to start high school.” I don’t know, maybe in her room.” Amy replies. Breslyn walks up to Caroline’s room and now I can hear the three of them giggling and being excited to start high school next year.
I’m glad I still have 2 years before I reach high school, I don’t understand how people get excited over it. I’m ready for college, I want to study meteorology. It’s just something about natural disasters that I just love, especially tsunami’s. I would love to find out how they form, what causes them to form, how I can design something to detect them sooner, just so many fascinating things to discover.
“Hey weirdo, we’re going to the mall to get some clothes before 8th grade starts and mom says I can’t leave you alone at the house.” Caroline says to Amy. If you haven’t guessed it yet, my sister, Vickie, and Breslyn are the most popular girls in our school. Every year my sister goes to the mall and spends a godly amount on whatever she wants, our parents let her. Me on the other hand, I could care less about having new things but that’s just me. I grunt as I get up from the couch and throw on my shoes and we grab our bikes and pedal up to the mall. Luckily it’s only 10 minutes away from our house.
“Hey V, wouldn’t this necklace look great on you!” Caroline says. I know what would look great on her neck, my hands, squeezing the life out of her. After a couple of hours at the mall, we finally went home. When we get back, mom has already made dinner and made our plates, including Vickie and Breslyn.
“Hey girls! How was the mall?” Our mom asks.”I thought it sucked to be honest with you.” I said without thinking first. I look over and Caroline is giving me a dirty look and replies back to mom,” We had a wonderful time there. I wouldn’t have asked the freak to go if it wasn’t required”. Caroline shoots me another dirty look and walks upstairs with her two minions. I wonder what it would be like to strangle HER. No water, just my hands around her neck, squeezing and watching life leave her body slowly and more personally.
Chapter 3.
Caroline.
Amy finally lets go of the boy's arm and pushes him away and he runs with horror in his eyes.” What did you say to him, Amy?” I ask. She just shrugs her shoulders and says,” I told him I would pants him in front of the entire school, including his underwear”. Yeah, that’ll do it.” You don’t always have to protect me but I really appreciate it.” I say. She just shrugs her shoulders and walks to Noah.” Not to sound like a dick but… why do we keep having the assembly every year. She died 3 years ago and if I remember she wasn’t so nice after winter break.” Noah says. I shoot Noah a dirty look.” Yes, she made some questionable choices after winter break but she was still a good person before then. She was really popular in this town, how do you not remember Noah.” I replied. Noah and my sister have been together for quite some time now and he just gets weirder and weirder and that question, what the hell!
I storm off with Scarlet in my hand and walk towards my car.” I seriously can’t believe he would ask that question! She meant something to a lot of people!” I yell. Scarlet just looks at me and grabs my hand and proceeds with caution,” are you okay?” she asks. I nod my head no and tears start to leave my eyes.” Would you like me to drive you home?” Scarlet asks. I shake my head no,” Can we go over to your house instead?” I ask. She rubs my back and tells me yes and switches seats so she can drive. We got to her house and no one's home. She grabs two pints of ice cream and turns on our favorite show,’Seventeen’.”
I don’t want to pressure you into telling me, but we’ve been together for 2 years and we're going to college together. How does Vickie’s death bother you so much? I’ve read the kind of person she was over winter break and that summer, she seemed to be awful. What happened?” Scarlet asks. Caroline takes a deep breath and looks at Scarlet.” I’m just not ready to talk about that right now. I hope that’s okay, but I will tell you as soon as I’m ready to talk about it”. Scarlet gives me a hug and tells me she understands.
We continue to watch Seventeen and finish our ice cream. Once the show was over, I drove home so I could cry alone. To this day I still don’t fully believe Vickie killed herself. I just feel like I can’t tell anyone how I truly feel because no one would believe me or they would just think I’m trying to cope with the loss of my best friend.
I just think the cops ruled it out as a suicide so they wouldn’t have to investigate a homicide. We haven’t had one since the 1930's. I think they wouldn’t have any idea what to do. I am 100 percent sure someone killed Vickie but who?
Chapter 4.
Amy.
I can’t believe 7th grade is already starting. I don’t really have any friends, everyone in this school thinks I’m weird and a freak. I can thank Vickie for that one. My sister’s the popular one, along with Vickie and Breslyn. Even though Vickie is my sister’s best friend, she treats me like I’m a freak. She’s not entirely wrong, she enjoys butterflies and puppies, I enjoy killing animals and imagining killing her. Of course she doesn’t know that but I feel like she can sense it from me, Caroline too. I didn’t know I had the desire to kill humans till Vickie came into our lives, have I always been this way though? I never thought killing animals was a big deal, I mean people hunt deers and kill cows but a person is something totally different. I shake with excitement when I dream or think about killing Vickie, is this normal?” Good morning class! Today we welcome a newcomer, Noah Carter. Please welcome him with open arms.” Mrs. Bowman says. I look up from my desk and see an average height boy with red hair and green eyes, pretty slim too. The teacher tells him to take a seat anywhere and sits next to me.” Hi, I’m Noah, what’s your name?” He asked me.” Amy.” I replied. That entire class, I caught Noah staring at me quite a bit. Is there something on my face? Do I have something in my hair? Why is he staring so much! The bell rings and I leave class before anyone else and walk to my locker. I look in the mirror to see if I have anything. Nothing.” Hey Amy, for the project I figured we could be partners. Were the last two left and you left before I could ask.” Noah says. I just nod my head,” Great! I’ll meet you after school. We can decide who’s house to go to then”. I just shake my head again and Noah walks away. The rest of the day goes by pretty slowly. The end of the school day comes and I meet Noah in the cafeteria.” So which house would you like to go to?” Noah asks. I tell him we can go to my house and it’s not very far. On the way to my house, I got to know Noah a little more and I think I’m starting to like him.
We got to my house and there’s three bikes already there. Great, Vickie’s here and she’s going to ask a million questions about Noah.
I prepare myself to open the front door and I’m ready for whatever questions Vickie has for me. I walk in with Noah behind me and luckily they’re not in the living room.” Do you want to study here or in the basement?” I ask Noah. He tells me he doesn’t care and whatever I prefer, so I take him to the basement.
We start on our project and it doesn’t take us long.” Do you want to hang out so you didn’t come here for nothing?” I ask. Noah smiles at me and shakes his head,” What do you want to do now”. I smile back and show him all the games and stuff we have and he finally picks something for us to do.
As we were playing the game, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Great, it’s them.” Hey Amy, who’s this?” Breslyn asks. I don’t mind Breslyn, she’s definitely a lot nicer than Vickie.” I’m Noah, I just transferred here and Amy and I had to partner up for a project in our first class. Who are you guys”? I can already tell Vickie caught Noah’s eye, what a slut.” I’m Victoria but people call me Vickie”. And other things.” That’s Caroline and Breslyn.” She continues. They both wave and smile at Noah.
“I’m actually about to head home, would you like to join me?” VIckie asks Noah in a flirty tone. He agrees and hops up to leave with Vickie. Great, I actually like someone, Vickie takes them. I can’t wait to kill her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
Nice to meet you! I'm Raven, and I'd like to review your short story, using my Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alright, we have a great story going here! Two sisters, one the popular high schooler with a troubled past on account of her dead friend, the other branded a "freak" with such morbid thoughts. And who would guess that their own sister was responsible for their friend's death? Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Pretty good! Nice pacing, solid plot, simple yet creepy/effective. I feel like some moments were a bit choppy in terms of transitioning from one moment to the next, which is more of a formatting issue that I'll get into in a moment. Likewise, I think your clarification of each chapter's perspective could have benefited from a date, as I wasn't aware at first that Amy's chapters were being told from a time before Caroline's chapters, and that made for a brief moment of confusion. That said, as far as this goes? Not bad!
Descriptions and Setting: Very nice! Setting details were a bit vague, but that's not a big deal, especially for a first-person short story. I also like how you clarified what each of the characters looks like, to some extent. Also, I thought you did especially well the Amy's thought processes, and how she imagines/justifies killing a human being.
Characterization: You did a great job capturing Caroline and Amy's unique, distinct perspectives. Caroline sounds more or less oblivious to her sister's true nature, and though hungup on Vicky's death, is just focused on moving past it with her friends. Meanwhile, Amy is just itching to kill Vicky, and the ease with which she imagines herself doing this is just chilling!
Grammar and Wording: Overarchingly? Not bad! I don't think I had a problem with the wording or anything, but one thing I did notice is how condensed the story feels. For example, here...
There is SO much going on in this one paragraph, it's a little hard to visualize. Traditionally, when two characters are having a conversation, a new line/paragraph starts whenever someone else starts speaking, so I think Noah's question and Ezra's response would be their own separate lines. And then to help readability, maybe separating this explanation of Caroline hanging out with them, since it's kind of like her own form of dialogue.
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I'm not sure how I feel about the parentheses here, especially since Vickie's nickname is explained in the later half of the story too. Parentheses in creative writing, in general, are hotly debated, but mid-dialogue, it was definitely a bit jarring. Is the Principal saying this, or is this Caroline adding her thoughts? Hopefully this makes sense...
The "I wonder what she said to him" moment made me a bit confused, I won't lie. While Amy's threat was absolutely chilling, if the story was told from Caroline's perspective here, then how was she narrating something she wasn't aware of? In other words, if she never heard what Amy said, how could she recount it?
Tiny grammar issue, I think there should be a question mark here is all.
That’s all! And of course, this is just my opinion, and I am no professional, so please take all advice with a grain of salt. This is great as-is too!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Alright, highlights and reaction time!! And boy, did you give me plenty of great moments to choose from for this section! To start...
I love how you started off strong, immediately telling us who this is, her ambitions, and her most notable relationships. It's joyous and hopeful, establishing a mood, and really fleshed out Caroline's character. Likewise, I think it made the darker events in the story feel more impactful. Not to mention, what a 180-turn from Amy's perspective!
Lol! I love this friendly banter between the characters. It made them feel more realistic and relatable.
OH SNAP! Killer or not, I don't blame Amy for lashing out here (-_- )
Starting Amy's chapter off like this, in such contrast to Caroline's, I was caught totally off-guard. Not only are we seeing the target painted in such a negative light, but even after Amy's threat, I wouldn't have thought she was this twisted in the mind!
Ooo, this moment of contemplation from Caroline, when we know the truth...On one hand it leaves you wanting to scream "just look right in front of you!" On the other hand, who would think about blaming their sister for a close friend's death? And her "just trying to cope" with Vickie's death really stirred a moment of empathy for her.
I love how you wrote Amy's contemplation of death and killing. It's always such a chilling staple in these kinds of stories, diving into the twisted philosophy of a killer, and you really delivered on that much!
Ooo, this completely nonchalant reason for killing an innocent (however obnoxious she might've been to Amy) girl...Chills!
MadThoughts...Overall, this was a great short story! Yeah, there were some technical nitpicks here and there, but the substance here was absolutely brilliant, and it's clear you have a tallent for creating stories! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hey lovely person! I’m here to review your short story/novel for you.
I love how dark and twisted this is! I’m really intrigued as to Amy’s motives and I hope you post more--it’s truly interesting!
I do have some critiques, but most are just regarding organization and grammar stuff, not too fun :(
I’d remove “University” here, just to make it sound more natural and make it flow better! At the end of that paragraph, I’d remove that last sentence--we already know that Caroline is excited for senior year, and it feels a bit redundant and doesn’t add anything new. A good rule of thumb is that we want to keep the first few paragraphs fresh and interesting for the reader to be hooked in. I even wonder if you could say something about Vickie here, something sort of vague that could provide a lead-up to the elaboration. That would really thread Vickie throughout the piece and make it less out of the blue when the assembly happens.
In the next paragraph, I’d change “finishing the year” to “finishing school”, just to make sure it’s clear that this is the beginning of senior year, not the end or the middle.
I’m also noticing in the next paragraph that you use “says” a lot, and I encourage you to look for some vivid synonyms. Using “says” too much can fatigue the reader and just make it monotonous. I also think you could remove the part about Bre’s nickname--it is a bit self-explanatory and for a short story can make it less streamlined.
In the third paragraph, I notice that when you start a quote, you’re not creating a new line. This is just a formatting issue and can make your paragraphs long and monotonous, without any breaks. This can also fatigue the reader, and we want to keep them hooked!
When talking about Chloe and Ezra, you use the adjectives “sweet” and “popular” for both of them, and I almost wonder if we could mush those together something like this.
You also don’t need to mention again that Bre is Caroline’s best friend, too.
I assume you mean “Darien replies”.
I think this could be sort of reorganized, like this:
In the paragraph after that, you go back and forth a lot. Noah is a good guy, but now he’s not, but then he’s not that bad. It makes me want to take Caroline by the shoulders and say “Pick one!!” I’d recommend making Caroline’s feelings a bit more clear. Considering what I’ve read in the story, I’d say that there’s not really a point to Caroline not liking Noah--except maybe out of a sisterly love.
Mr. Parker’s speech seems a little trite and the “This here” is unnecessary. There is a fine line between characterization through dialogue and succumbing to stereotypes.
Also, the part where Amy is talking to the boy confuses me. How did Caroline not hear what she said and also know what she said? Remember the point of view you’re writing in, and imagine what Caroline would hear. Maybe a whisper, and a gasp. She wouldn’t know what Amy had said unless Amy told her. Maybe Amy could mention the real message in a section in her POV later.
Now to Amy’s first section. We learn a lot about her here! Her motivations are pretty well-defined and I like that. I do think the bit about her career goals could be deleted, considering it doesn’t really have any bearing on her as a 7th grader. Amy does seem very violent for a 7th grader--it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with her? She even thinks of violence towards her sister, which doesn’t make sense if Vickie was the one who hurt her.
Going into the rest of Amy’s section, I just have to mention the line breaks during dialogue. It really tired me out as a reader here, and in Amy’s other section as well.
In Caroline’s next section, I’d like to remind you to be consistent with your tenses. You go from present tense to past tense a few times, and it is a bit confusing. It’s fine to write in past tense for a while and realize it doesn’t work, but just make sure you’re changing the tense of the entire work if you think a different tense would be better.
Again, with the point of view. We talk about Caroline here, when I thought we were talking in her point of view.
In Amy’s next section, I’d suggest to tone down the violence a little bit. We know that Amy is a very angry child, but at some point it gets a little overkill, and you should probably limit it to when Vickie angers her. Other than that, this section just needed some line breaks to keep it readable.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this work and I can’t wait to see what you create next!
Keep writing!
<3, chem