Published July 12, 2011
In my life,
There are many things to pray for
Being alive
And many more
The crimes are bad
The cruel people are sick
You ain't Swiper the Fox
So don't be slick
The world is poor
My success is coming
When I become grown
Inspired persons will be running
I think positive
Because that is how to live
I'm me, I have God
What more can you give.
Nellisa Brianna Deniel Benjamin
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I think what you need to focus is the use of language. I found the language a bit too simple for me- try using a bit more originality in your rhyming. This way your emotions can come across more dramatically and openly. I liek your structure though- it is fine. You just need to focus on your vocabulary I think.
See, this wasn't a bad poem because there was some emotion behind it - the thing is that I think you used two things you shouldn't have done together. You didn't break it up into stanzas and you decided to have a rhyme scheme; for this poem, I think it should have been one or the other.
Aside from that, not bad; keep writing.
Thanks...There are pretty more better ones that I'll be happy to share with you viewers.
It's pretty good... except for the fact that I feel like you're stating the obvious at same points. Besides that, well done.