Glint in a shadow dark bloomy sky
blackwhispern aroseth to kill the flight
Abandoned thee is the woeful shy
None ever make thou dreadful night
A secretive chamber of thy heart
Beseech, to entangled by the light
Cherubs are imparting to it's tight
Embracing the given life that is right
Dead is to forgotten thy Glory
Whom it gave in the midst of the night
Thus, I`m still giving such declamatory
He is the only one, which is my sight
As surely as the sun will rise
The dawn will still arise.
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review
What does 'blackwhispern' mean?I think that it should be 'to be entangled' here.
To its tight what?
This should be either 'To be dead is to hae forgotten thy glory' or 'death is to forget thy glory' to be grammatically consistent.
So my main critique here would be to drop the old-fashioned writing style and be a little less vague. This poem, frankly, looked beautiful and eloquent on the outside because you rhymed well and used long words, but I couldn't really decipher the meaning of it, and that made it lose a bit of its beauty.
For example, what were you talking about? I got the impression that it was maybe stars or the moon, but that was never really explicitly stated or even implied in a way that made me certain that that was what you were talking about. You also brought in a bunch of philosophical ideas that overwhelmed me as the reader and further confused me, especially 'dead is to forgotten thy glory'.
You also had spelling and grammatical errors that further distorted the image you were trying to paint, and all of that in combination led to a little bit of a muddled poem. So I think that I would try and make your poems more straightforward and clear rather than try and use confusing imagery to make your poems sound better.
Hopefully this review was helpful and not too rude, and if you have any questions, feel free to let me know and I'll do my best to let you know how you could have improved. Again, I tried to give you a taste of what I felt without being too rude, and this was strictly a review of your poetry and not your personal worth. I try and remind everyone, but especially newer writers, that I try to be harsh to improve your writing and not out of malice or spite.
Best wishes,
MJ
Hiya! Here to leave a review
Grammar
1) "blackwhispern" - I think this is meant to be "black whispers" or something like that
2) "bloomy sky" - this should be "gloomy sky"
3) "shadow dark bloomy sky" - you should probably add a comma here to make it "shadow dark, gloomy sky"
4) "Beseech, to entangled" - "to" should be "too"
Form & Structure
I like how you've chosen to structure this as a mostly-Shakespearean sonnet whilst using Shakespeare-style words e.g. "aroseth" and "thou". It really brings it to life and creates a historical effect.
Rhyme & Rhythm
The rhyming is good, but the rhythm of the last two lines is a bit iffy. A class Shakespearean sonnet would have the last two lines rhyme, which you've done, however, the first line is eight beats whereas the second line is seven beats. I would suggest adjusting this to make them the same number of beats, therefore it can pack in a powerful punch at the end to make your poem even more effective.
Imagery
It may just be me, but I'm a little confused as to what the poem's theme is. The language is good, but each line is rich with description, thus derailing the story being told. I'd lessen the description and focus on the story the poem is telling, then if there's room, add in some adjectives, metaphors, smiles etc to bring your poem to life. You could always lengthen the lines so that they are longer to try and find an equal balance of description and 'showing not telling' the story.
I hope my review has helped
KayLou1609
This is beautiful!