Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

12+

Darkness Within!

by Neetika


Being amidst this tempest for a while now
Is causing her nothing but misery lately
Her insanity which was once her reason to stay alive
Is now choking her...suffocating her
Reality outgrows assumptions of this novice
Its tormenting
Life smirks at her
Taunting her, stirring her from inside


"you with no dreams was far better than you with dreams yet no drive..."


Should she blame her own happiness now?
Seems like it's getting in her way
Some irony,
Because it's not someone else but
she poisoning herself
and her life dissing..."you better stay ignorant"


Embracing this honey coated elixir was a choice she made
But she never imagined getting entangled in a bloody maze
This maze-sweet, is slowly devouring her
Feels like it will crush her and mark its end
Leaving this path is no better of an escape
As she has tried and proudly failed
Not once, neither twice nor a million times
Since Its far too easy to let go than to aim for those million failures


Centered in a cobweb...she lays as good as dead
Everywhere around she sees the drooped strands
Strangling her, whispering..."A hostage you are"
But what is more of inner peace?
Surviving this struggle-some life or living off all empty inside

But even as she pours out her discontent

Her life still crawls back to zero

And she grins, "some victim I am of my own inner demons"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 228
Reviews: 9

Donate
Fri Nov 01, 2019 6:54 pm
View Likes
Em16 wrote a review...



So, I made comments on your piece based on the stanza and line number. If it says S1, L4, that means Stanza 1, Line 4. I counted the line “you with no dreams… yet no drive…” as one stanza, as well as the three lines at the end.

S1, L1-2: I like the repetition of words that have to do with time, “lately” and “now”. It gives the poem a sense of urgency.
S1, L3-4: I like the twist in these lines. There is so much depth here, so much that one can ponder about the “insanity”.
S1, L5: I like the way you tacked on “this novice” to the line. It seems unnecessary, but shows how little the speaker thinks of herself.
S1, L8: I love the phrase “stirring her from inside”.
S3, L1: This is such a complex line, and it makes me think some many things. The idea that one can blame “happiness” is just so astonishing, in a good way.
S3, L6: Who is the N mentioned in this line?
S3, L6: I didn’t really understand “you better stay ignorant”. For the rest of the stanza, you talk about how the speaker is her own worst enemy, but I don’t understand how this phrase relates to that idea. Could you explain this a bit more?
S4, L1: I would suggest breaking up this line, because it has a lot of thoughts and ideas that could overwhelm the reader. But it is a really good line.
S4, L2: I like the imagery of “bloody maze”.
S4, L3: Do you mean “sweet maze”? What is a “maze-sweet”? This word, both it’s grammar and it’s meaning, confuse me.
S4, L4: I would suggest changing this line to “it feels” to make it more grammatically correct.
S5, L1: There is really good imagery in this line.
S5, L2: I would suggest changing the end of this line from “drooped strands” to “dropping strands” which is more grammatically correct.
S5, L4: This line is an abrupt transition, and seems unrelated to the previous line? Could you add some lines in between these two to explain the transition?
S5, L5: Underlining is highly uncommon in poetry, so I would suggest changing the underlining here to italics or bold. In this context, I feel it distracts more than it highlights the importance of “struggle-some”.
S5, L5: I would suggest taking the word “off” out of this sentence to make it more grammatically correct.
S8: This last line seems to have a strange wording. It doesn’t roll off the tongue, which a last line is supposed to do. It also confuses me, because I don’t really understand it means and how it relates back to the rest of the poem. If there’s anything I’ve gathered from this poem, it is that the speaker is suffering from her inner demons. But then you contradict that and say she isn’t. And that either be a really amazing revelation, or just confusing. I would suggest you tweak this last line so it’s more of a revelation and less confusing.

Nice work! This poem is really good. It’s complex and filled with beautiful metaphors and imagery. You’ve really captured the idea of suffocating because of your dreams.




Neetika says...


Hey! Firstly, thanks for taking time to read this and pointing out to the improvements. I am not sure how it is in general, but while writing poems, i at times, do ignore what grammatically is right, if it better expresses the thoughts i am trying to convey, but still i'll keep your suggestions in mind.



Neetika says...


Also, as for your questions,
S3, L6 seems like a typing error... I meant to write 'and'
S5 L5, i am not sure was the system made it as underlined, i had no intention of highlighting it!
And as for the last lines, the poem does give off the meaning that the poet is struggling with her inner demons, but even though she clearly expresses what is the root cause of her struggles i.e. 'her happiness', and she is aware of that,but in the end she couldn't give up , neither her happiness nor lose to her demons , which is highlighted in 2nd last line of the poem.



User avatar
1247 Reviews


Points: 57897
Reviews: 1247

Donate
Fri Nov 01, 2019 1:12 pm
View Likes
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hi, Neetika! (Love the name, by the way!)

I FREAKING LOVE THIIIIIIIIIIS. I have so many things to say about it. I love this piece. It's just so haunting. (I've also had caffeine, and that usually means I will be babbling with enthusiasm SO THIS MIGHT BE LENGTHY BUT IT'S A GOOD LENGTHY??)

You have incredible imagery with a great sense of vocabulary to help describe these emotions and scenes you have. It's really powerful and so easy to imagine what it's describing, so excellent work there.

I feel like perhaps your lines feel too much like complete sentences to ignore punctuation like periods and commas. There are a lot of lines that blur together too much when they could really probably do with some punctuation -- that and/or do without the capitalization at the start of each line -- but that's a small matter and very much up to you.

First Stanza

It's very interesting to open up with this idea that insanity was the girl's reason to live. I guess I never really think of insane people consciously aware of their insanity, so it's very interesting to choose this phrasing, particularly because the poem proceeds to give her a depressing nature as opposed to wild or reckless.

"you with no dreams was far better than you with dreams yet no drive..."


I freaking love this. I think it's a little wordy, but I love this message. Perhaps shorten it to something with a bit more balance, like "you with no dreams far outweighs you with no drive" or just something with a little more rhythm and precision. With your incredible vocabulary, you can definitely come up with something!

But yeah, reason why I love this line is because when you sit and think about it, the line talks about someone just going day-to-day with the motivation to get things done as opposed to one full of dreams and imagination and making zero progress for them. So it's this voice that indicates it's better to not dream and to just do things robotically. Very eerie!

Second Stanza

I feel like opening the very next stanza with a question about her happiness was really direct and to the point which almost felt jarring to this eerie atmosphere that was built, but I really like how the subject is falling for this demon's (if you will) advice. We see her questioning herself, reasoning with herself in support of these words, and we're basically watching a sad downfall of a girl with so much promise and so many dreams. I especially love that you refer to this as a poison and that she is blaming herself because this is an actual thing that happens. People in this state resort to blaming themselves and it's so scary how real this is.

Now, I'm not sure what this line is indicating: "N her life dissing... "you better stay ignorant." Is it "and her life hissing"? Dissing seems too contemporary of a word, too slang-y for this kind of piece. I'd also really love to just have the "you better stay ignorant" line carry itself without the first part of the line leading into it. I think this eerie demon voice handles itself without a tag. Plus, it can probably be shortened to "you fool" or something with a bit more punch.

Third Stanza

This next stanza is so descriptive! It's so beautiful and haunting and as;dfj;aslkdf! I love that it immediately continues the idea of the poison that she voluntarily took part in and then proceeds to say how she didn't expect what came of it. Possibly how extreme the results of this 'poison' is? The maze image went over my head a bit, but I like this idea of being lost as a result of this poison. It kinda ties back to being insane and unaware of what's happening around her as this despair eats away at her.

And about halfway through, it goes into how she's tried to escape and proudly failed. This is playing on the idea of possible insanity and the way she's being consumed by this inner demon. It's SUCH A HUGE POINT FOR THIS PIECE. The last line in this stanza got a bit wordy again. I had to read it several times to understand what it's saying, and I think it makes more sense to rephrase it to "failing a million times" or something a bit more compact.

Final Stanza

And then the downfall, the creepiness, the eerieness! It's all here! It ties it all together super well here. She's officially without drive and giving in to this inner demon, just allowing these negative emotions to chew away at her. It's just so horrifying. I think this is another case where the inner demon could do without the tag. As much as I love the "whispering" of it, I've kind of been reading it as a whisper this whole time and so don't think it actually adds much.

(By the way, strugglesome is a word! I don't know why it's underlined, but it doesn't have to be hyphenated, so perhaps that was a question you were trying to highlight with an underline?)

The last few lines lead up to that final dialogue bit pretty nicely by leading this final questioning of "what is peace." However, I wonder if it would work to dwell more on her actual vortex into insanity and accepting the life this demon is selling. I think that might flow better into the eerie way she grins and accepts her horrifying fate through the words she says at the end. Something to think about!

Overall

That got SUPER LENGTHY but I really just loved this. You have such a strong theme with fantastic imagery. It really played at the emotions and did well to emphasize what I should be feeling at certain parts. It was incredibly relatable in an almost scary way. I think most of us have been at this stage in life where we question what the point is if we can't ever achieve our dreams anyway, to accept the struggle until our dying day. The added psychological layer to this piece makes it even scarier to read and digest, so many kudos to you for working that in.

Well done!! And keep writing!!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Neetika says...


First of all, I am glad you could relate to this piece!
Yeah... This poem can definitely be refined and thankyou soo much for all the advices you have given me above.
I'll definitely keep it in my mind for my future writings.
Also, i dont know why it the system was highlighting that work "strugglesome". I had no intention of highlighting it%uD83D%uDE1D



User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 515
Reviews: 44

Donate
Thu Oct 31, 2019 7:15 pm
dahlia58 wrote a review...



Darkness within yourself...So the speaker in this poem is being strangled by her own dreams and her unwillingness to see them through? That is a common problem among people nowadays (nods). Or is this a poem about one's insecurities keeping him or her from pursuing their dreams fully? I apologize if both of these interpretations are wrong. Still, the last line was chilling, and I liked it.




Neetika says...


Thanks!
It can have many interpretations, but instead of unwillingness... Its more like more a struggle from one self in persuing one's dreams




"People should not be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people."
— V for Vendetta