E - Everyone

Chapter One.

PreviousNext

"Come on Jake! I can't just play with the ball alone." Dana said as she had a grumpy face on. It was the 19th of December, a day so sunny, Jake's parents thought it'd be wonderful if he'd play outside with Dana. She was the girl next door. Unfortunately -he would say- her parents are very close to Jake's now, they visit almost everyday! Dana is a seven year-old brat. She had long, dark brown hair, that looked black almost all the time, she had wide black baby eyes, and a smile that fitted very right with her pink lips. She wore her pink skirt, along with a black shirt that said 'Daddy's little girl' in a pink font. "But you should play with me. Look! That book you're holding has nothing but numbers!" She said, as she held the book cover with three fingers so the papers dangled from the other side, along with the other cover. "My ball is much more interesting, it has colors!"

"No, Dana, I'm not going to play with you!" He said, "I'm trying to figure out something you'd never be able to get." He was sitting down a tree, holding a book probably more than twice his weight. He was seven, too. He had blond hair, watery blue eyes, and very neat clothes; an all-the-way-buttoned blue shirt, -that showed that his eyes were more blue than green, unlike what his mother was used to say-, and dark blue jeans. His outfits had more blue than the sky that day.

She ran to sit on the front steps to Jake's house, crying. She kept saying things he couldn't recognise, "said you'd play with", "playing alone", but that's all he could get from her howling screams.

Her screaming was so horrible, he put the book aside to cover his ears with his hands. He looked up at her, her head between her arms, and there was this black light around her, almost like clouds. It seemed to him like energy. But at that second, the black light shaped like lightning and came fast toward him he couldn't help but stare. It hit his eyes.

He shut his eyes as pain danced through his whole body, he screamed, but he fell to the ground. Dana looked up at the sound of his head banging the grass, confused. He helped himself almost sit down the same he was and she walked down at him. He heard her come closer, her shoes rubbing the floor as though she couldn't lift them, but then it stopped. She stood still, trying to understand. All she could see was his closed eyes, they almost seemed glued, and the sound of him hurting. Her confusion vanished, she almost knew what she'd done.

"You should have played with me!" she shouted, but he could no longer focus, he couldn't understand what was happening. All he could see was black. No grass, no sky, no buildings, he couldn't see the ball she wanted him to play with, or the book he was trying so hard to focus on. Nothing.

She ran across the garden, opened their fence, and sat on their front steps. Still shocked and confused, she had millions of questions going through her mind. What'd happened? Was it all her fault? What did she do? How did she do that? What'd happened? What'd happened?

When her mother came back home that night, she heard her sobbing in her room, after she'd told her they'd found Jake lying on the ground outside, and it'd turned out that he got blinded. But not just blinded, how and why were the mystery; the mystery was that when he finally opened his eyes, they were black. Not just the eyeball, his whole cavity was black, both of them.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

'Ello, it's Cello!

This was a very interesting start to a story. Over all, a good plot and beautiful description.

You had a few mistakes but they tended to be consistent in style so I'm just going to give a general description of what you need to fix.

Tenses-

Dana is a seven year-old brat.

For the most part, your tenses were good. This story was written in past tense but this line was written in present. 'Is' should be 'was'. I didn't notice this error is any other parts of the story but I might have simply overlooked the flaw so I would suggest scanning over the work just in case.

Paragraphs-
Again, good for the most part, but you could use some more paragraph breaks. You start a new paragraph when somebody new is speaking or when you change topics.
Unfortunately -he would say- her parents are very close to Jake's now, they visit almost everyday! Dana is a seven year-old brat. She had long, dark brown hair, that looked black almost all the time,

For example, a paragraph between 'everyday' and 'dana' would do quite nicely. Additionally, the exclamation point after 'everyday' is unnecessary.

Pace change-
The beginning of the story moved at the same rate but the endings suddenly sped along. You had a nice, slow moving story, then the kids gets hit with dark energy and the entire things starts jumping. Concerned Dana, parents find him, missing eyes. You could drag that out longer, put in more detail. I mean, the kid lost his eyes for crying out loud.

Detail-
Again, a lot changed at the end. The beginning did pretty well with the amounts of detail but the last part felt rushed. Put in emotion. Describe the pain. Pull the reader in.

Over all it was a good story. Really creative, too.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello

User avatar
Eros
Review
Eros wrote a review · Wed Nov 11, 2015 3:21 am

Hello Nazeen!

Here comes Eros to review your wonderul creation!!

First of all I would like to say is that the story is flowing very well. One suggestion... You should give a title to the chapter. It makes the reader get attracted to read it and catch their eyes towards your work. It gives one, an idea of what is the story based on.
Rest, I love your style of writing. It is really very unique and easy to understand. The novel is going to be Banging Dash! I mean.., It is going to make a beautiul and crackeling turns, as beautiful as a sky fire cracker! Even more beautiful than that.

I am eager to know what supernatural power is there in Dana? How can the eyes of Jake turn into cavity?! Its really going to be interesting to know the mystery!

Waiting for the next chapter to be published. Just one request, please write a post on my wall whenever you publish the Chapter 2.



Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx