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140,616 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
I decide to re-edit my story. So, check if I have anything wrong.
Hey Naydy!!! I'm wookielover17, but you can call me Wookie. I really liked this piece I thought that you settled her background story very well. And I can't wait to see where the story is going!!! But can I mention that this was more like a prologue than a chapter, but it's still good.
) But I really liked it and I hope you keep writing!!!! Post more soon!!!
Um, I noticed that your tenses change threw out the sentence and it can get kindda confusing. But don't worry I suck at tenses to (just take a glimpse at my story
Good job,
wookielover17
I say, my good fellow, you missed something.
In the space where you listed the names of the character's
friends, put a space between each one. See how I did that
with the comma here?
I like that you're telling us things about the main character, but instead of focusing on the history of her life in the first chapter, maybe try telling us one thing at a time. Introduce her life as it is now, and then you can mention the back story later.
This is VERY SHORT! A chapter should be a complete scene, not just a little snippet. I would suggest arranging your story into paragraphs so that it is easy to read, and editing it carefully. There are a number of conflicting verb tenses used.
Also, as the story is right now, you are not showing the reader anything, you are just telling a story about a nameless main character. Give us more information about the main character. What is her name? What is her personality like?
Grade fives can't fall in love. Maybe the word crush instead.
Also, the sentence is a good example of mis used verb tenses. Maybe try using this sentence instead:
"I had a crush on a boy in fifth grade, but on the last day of school, I found out that he had a girlfriend."
I don't think grade fives have actual "girlfriends" either.
I would suggest that you get some books out from the library, and see how the authors introduce their characters. You want to hook your reader in at the beginning, then you can tell them back story about your characters. But if your beginning doesn't get the reader's attention then they won't want to read on.
I hope this is helpful
Let me know if you need clarification on anything I've said.
Also, just a tip, people won't want to review your stories unless they see that you've reviewed other people's stories first.