there's a moment
we live. we breathe.
we feel alive.
you feel subdued
or is it seduced?
only time can tell
but right now
in this moment
my moment
there is only you
your eyes
your smile
quixotic as it may be
this moment
my moment
captivates me
holds me in place
i'm grounded by a principle
actually a few
faith. love. trust.
all i hold inside of me
belongs to you
so this moment
my moment
is now our moment
blissful, emotional
sealed with a kiss
this moment
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like the idea of this poem also, as recently said. I do not, however, really enjoy the format in which is written because it comes off very bland, plain, and boring. You get the point. I enjoy some of the phrases, but none of them really catch my attention. This would do a lot better if there was more effort put into the soul-full-ness of it, as I like to say.
I like the idea, and it feels like I can realte to the poem, although I do think that with this type of theme and what you are trying to bring across you should try and make it short and sweet, so that that which you say have much more meaning than adding other thoughts that makes the reader confused. Short and sweet leaves the impression I THINK you are trying to make. I kind of get the idea that it could be transformed into a song? With all the "This moment, My moment" and all the other "Moments" as the chorus?
Hey. Welcome here.
I loved the beginning of the poem up until the 'captivates me' line. And then I felt that it got rather bland.
The first part had real feeling to it. There was an almost breathless quality to it while I was reading it. It also flowed really well.
The rest of the poem was OK. But the emotions and flow and beauty in the first lines was reduced in the other lines and the ending was really weak. It was an amazing poem and it just had to have an amazing ending but here it was really quite bland.
I think that all the lines in the latter part of your poem were alright but you should drop the 'actually a few' line. It just destroys the aura. And your last line has to change into something more spectacular.XD
Hi! First of all, welcome to YWS...
Now the critiques..
Your rhythm scheme is a bit odd. In one verse I see some hope for it and then in another it vanishes.
Your punctuation and captions are probably ...hmm...somewhere...try to work that out-it's an easy job.
"but right now
in this moment
my moment"...huh? I didn't understand this.
I have to say that you have quite good "words" in your poem. This is something new.
Can you reply what is it about? ....I mean...you could describe that (your) moment with more adjectives like you did in the end of the poem. It's seems like there's no feelings.
P.S. Loved that constructing "there's a moment->this moment->my moment->our moment