I stare into his eyes
Deep treacle pools
deep enough to drown in
His hand nears mine
creeping through the dew-wet grass
to clasp my own in a silent embrace
He leans towards me
a slow awkward movement
compared to his usual grace
We stare towards one another
a gesture showing the delicacy
of silence
I blink
shutting out emotion
for only a fraction of a moment
There is silence
only hearing the whisper of the winds song
the beat of a butterfly's wing
He nears me again
close so i can see the curl of his hair
the flush of his cheeks
He kisses me
a delicate movement, soft but so strong
A Butterfly Kiss
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yeah, i know about the grammar thing! I write for things I hope to happen, and what I know and see and do. You are right about the age thing, but I enjoy doing things like this and experimenting!
It's lovely - you have a beautiful style and I love the way you've used imagery here without using too many cliches. I particularly like:
Brilliant. A couple of grammar nitpicks:
The main thing I would say is, do you really know what you're talking about? If you're twelve, getting kissed is probably not a huge part of your life, and you do seem, especially at the beginning, to use some fairly generic imagery. I'd focus on writing something which will really get your own views and ideas across, rather than plumbing an area which has always been somewhat overplumbed. You clearly have the ability to make intelligent observations about things, so use that to its full potential. Having said that, though, the poem is beautiful.
The style you've written it in is good, but if you write another poem I'd suggest experimenting with a rhyme scheme and a more definite rhythm.
Oh, and you don't need to worry at all about using commas at the ends of lines, unless you would use one if you were writing it as prose.
Its so pretty. I really liked it. Welcome to YWS by the way. I'm not exactly sure how to review poetry... Here's all I found.
Remember to capitalize "i".
I think you're also supposed to use commas after each line but I'm not a poetry expert.
I really liked your poem. *likes* It was beatiful and unique.
And here's a haiku review because I promised myself I'd review in poetry one day.
Beauty so so rare,
Words flow as if from your lips,
Causes me to think