z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Steel Hole-In-The-Wall - Chapter One

by NateAtNight


“I love you,” mom stares into my eyes, mascara running down hers. She sniffles. Dad stands stiffly next to her. Mom’s mascara lands in blobs on my head, but that’s okay because it blends in with my black hair. I look around at all the other parents saying goodbye to their kids. All of them are bawling like babies. And none of them even look good. They all look disheveled. Including Dad.Mom looks good in her tiny red dress, with eye shadow, mascara and her hair done all curly. Dad’s just wearing a T-shirt and pants.

“My little prince, I love you, and don’t you ever forget it,” mom stars weeping harder now.

Now people start to break off from their kids. They all give them one last hug or kiss and head for the steel stairs. Now there are barley any parents left.

“C’mon, Shannon,” dad says. “We have to go now. Only twenty minutes until...” he trails off. We all know what he’s talking about. Everyone in the world does.

Only twenty minutes until the world ends.

For some people, at least.

“But David,” mom says.

“But?”

“What if we—”

“I know what you’re going to say, Shannon. You can’t sneak in. There’s not enough food or water in here for any adults.”

“We can put a couple kids outside with the adults,” mom says, then she smiles. She was joking. But dad grunts at her.

“We have to go,” dad says.

Mom backs up from me.

“Fine.”

Dad comes over and gives me a hug. He slides me an envelope when mom isn’t looking. “I’ll see you on the other side, right? Don’t wait too long.”

He walks over to mom. He nods to me and they walk into the crowd of kids and parents and I can’t see them anymore. I try to guess where they are, and I catch my last ever glimpse of them as they walk up the steel stairs. They’re blurry.

Just like all of this moment, really.

“Goodbye my little prince!” Mom shouts loudly, so I can hear her from where I am. Lots of people look her way as she and my dad walk up the steel stairs, to their graves. 

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137 Reviews

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Reviews: 137

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Fri Apr 16, 2021 3:06 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there, stygianmoon17 here for a review :D

@NateAtNight, I didn't actually find the repetition of "now" you said in your comment, so it's probably not as terrible as you think lol

(I won't make a list of the grammar mistakes I found throughout the text, but just skim through your short chapter and you'll very easily find them)


I honestly don't have anything to complain about,

Very intriguing set up, with dialogue and a narration that gives a lot of insight on each character. I have a few problems with certain things though-

-what is considered a "kid"? Kids from 10 to 18 ? Kids from 5-14 ? And how big is the place where they are kept ?
-How are the kids gonna survive on their own ? Even with enough food, if it's a nuclear blast or something, and after a few weeks they get out, how will they rebuild civilisation ? I don't think parents would not have thought about that. Maybe there's a learning program for kids, so that civilisation as before, returns ? Or maybe a few adults were left behind to educate/ lead them ?

Those are things I hope you have answers to, or then that you can explain further in the novel, as they could otherwise become so very gaping plot holes.


Hope this helps with future chapters, and keep writing <33




NateAtNight says...


Hi @stygianmoon17 ! Thanks for the review :D. I'll definitely look for the grammar mistakes (those always get past me!). And thanks for the comments, I'll be sure to fix the ones that I don't plan to resolve in future chapters :). Thanks!



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16 Reviews

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Fri Apr 16, 2021 2:20 pm
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Ilium417 wrote a review...



Hiya! Ilium here for a review!
I liked this chapter. It was pretty interesting! I'm intrigued to know why the world is going to end in twenty minutes.
About the twenty minutes though- if I was a parent, I would be wanting to be with my kid to the very last minute. I think you should shorten the time and it would make it better.
Your writing style is pretty cool too! I think you made good use of the present tense in your writing. Most stories use past tense, so it's awesome that you're able to make this work.
You also were able to show the personalities of his parents pretty well. They can joke while under pressure, but Dad is more composed and Mom is more emotional. I struggle with putting personalities present in my characters so its really cool that you can do it!
You created a lot of mystery, like, what's the envelope? Why's the world ending? It's awesome!
I'm excited to continue, so please tag me!
I would say more but I gotta go now! Peace and Tacos be with you!




NateAtNight says...


First of all, why did you have to make me think about tacos?!?! Now I'm hungry. Anyway, thanks for the review! :) I'm working on the second chapter right now, and that will explain why the MC's parents aren't with him until the last second they can be (hint: they're not allowed to be. dun dun dunnn). I'll tag you for the next one (if I can figure out how, haha!).
Anyway, thanks!



Ilium417 says...


Awesome! Thanks! :D



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5 Reviews

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Fri Apr 16, 2021 6:15 am
NateAtNight says...



I just realized I used "Now" to start almost three sentences in a row. Oops. I should probably fix that later.





There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou