The Yellow Box in Hara

Hi there Natalie! Welcome to YWS! Nice to meet you! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you.


This was quite an intriguing poem. It's definitely-- like someone above me mentioned-- abstract, and it has that vague touch to it. Lovely.

However! I know I am being overly picky with this, but it feels too flowery, in a sense that you are trying to be too fancy when you can be smooth and simplistic.

• Your rhyme scheme danced a bit. It's not entirely a bad thing since you're kind of going A, A, B, C, D, C. But, ask yourself, what effect is this having on the reader? I don't believe that all poems need to follow rhyme, nor do I think that if they do it has to be strict, but this is kind of moving too freely for me.

• Watch your pronouns! It feels like you're trying to include everyone in this. It's like, I, you, we-- why are you doing that? I like the vagueness in poetry but this is kind of just... loosely connected. I know, I am probably being annoying with that-- pardon me if I am-- but maybe it's just that I am not used to this sort of poetry.

• I think that the main problem I am having with this poem-- and I'm pretty sure it's my only problem, is the lack of ability to understand it. I've read this poem before, and stepped away from it to try and understand it, but I just can't.

That's not entirely a bad thing! First off, let me congratulate you on writing something that doesn't just dump everything on you and not leave anything for the audience to think about.

However, I think that in being vague you were too vague. I don't understand the part about being sick? Is it a homesickness?


• Also! How you said you used moaning for mourning-- somehow it's just not working, dear. It feels way to flowery when we come to this part, and it's not that good . Moaning and mourning are two very different things. Sure, you can moan while you're mourning but, I somehow don't feel like this is fitting.


The only thing I would suggest -- and pardon me if I sound rude or harsh, dear. I know I probably do; but I'm not trying to . I'm trying to be honest-- is, maybe if you were to rewrite this using simpler language.

I don't mean write it out in explanatory language-- I mean, try not to be as intricate .


*

I do not doubt that this has potential! In fact, I truly believe that you can go very far with this. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you.

Good work; it made me think. It's just beyond me to understand this.


sincerely,
June

Oh lord. That's it.. I just have to start by crying?

Everything's gone crazy. I've just been told, all in a few days, that somehow I am Earth.
I don't know. Help me. I have to wake people up.

Hello Natalie! It's always nice to see more poets on the site. As you've said a few times, this was pretty abstract, which is fine, but let's try and revise it a little.

So! I have two main problems with this piece. First, an inconsistent rhyme scheme...euh. The first two lines rhyme, and then the next two don't, and then the last two kind of do. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, since this happens by accident all the time. But either way, the whole thing should rhyme or it shouldn't. Personally, I think it shouldn't. Rhyming structures a poem, and this one is more free verse. I think if you tried to rhyme the whole thing. some of the rhymes would inevitably sound forced, which is never a good thing.

Second issue: This poem was too vague, too general, I think. You hit on some really nice ideas here, but the piece barely grazes the surface, and doesn't do the concept justice. For instance, the first three lines. I think pretty much everyone can relate to that; I certainly can. And it did hit home. And I also think I got what you were saying about 'if this makes you sick' (though it could be more eloquent). But even if I understood it, it's still a feeling that needs to be expanded on; missed oppurtunities waiting not to happen, regrets and memories of a past life, etc.

Thirdly (I lied): I think elongating the piece would do wonders. It starts out very general; the 'you' is not a specific you, but rather an everyone, inclusive sort of you (if you speak French, it's the difference between 'tu' and 'vous'; it's hard to explain in English, so I hope you understand what I'm saying). And then, in the last three lines, you switch suddenly to a specific you, and it's clear you're speaking to a specific person. And it sounds odd. Which brings me back to elongating it, so that you could start out in the general, and then gradually switch to the specific person, and explain the situation a little more.

Fourthly: The yellow box in Hara. I didn't get that at all. I don't think I'm meant to, but I'd like to. I think you should explain it.

Yes. Points 2, 3, and 4 are all fairly alike. Sometimes I use way too many words. xD But really, really, please expand on this. It could be really excellent.
PM me if you have any questions, as this was long and probably confusing.
-Mars

It was abstract, and very much so. The bit about feeling sick was largely an allusion to the first three lines, but I didn't word it very eloquently (as in someone might recognize the situation and feel... nostalgic about it, for lack of a better term). Moaning, well, I saw that as mourning the absence of the narrator. Again, my writing tends to be abstract and escapes logic most of the time. A flaw, a flaw.

But thank you very much for your insight; I appreciate it.

Those nights you wasted lying awake in bed

Staring at the window when nothing else was said

What happened to all the yesterdays, I wonder

If you're feeling sick right now, I hit too close to home

Maybe someday I'll be back again

But until then, we'll try not to moan.