Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Your beauty emanates from within, and you are so much more than you believe. As a child you were an empty shell, nothing could get you out of your bed to face the world. You believed it was too hard and life wasn't worth the effort. we have all felt this pain, the kind of pain that sits on our soul eating away at us, telling us we’re not worth the dirt on life's shoes and that we would be better off left for dead. We could take our own life and save other people the trouble of abandoning us when we are most vulnerable. You must understand that these are lies. You were never a burden to begin with, you were a blessing and you always will be. You always have been. Your infatuation with the darkness of the world weakens you and leaves you with open wounds allowing the infection that is society to crawl in until you are dead. Some part of me believes that you are happy with the sadness and you see the shelter as the storm, holding onto the cold air as a way to warm yourself. You look in the mirror and see an ugly failure that has no purpose in this life, and empty, soulless form that cannot see the beauty in the world and that love that is around you. You've lost your job and have nowhere to go. You sit there like a empty bag of flesh just waiting for the next day expecting me to do everything for you. Your endless apathy is the essence of your very being which concerns me. your drugs go against their purpose and leave you to rot until the very next day when you need to take them again. Although I hate to see you this way, I can't do anything unless you let me. Look me in the eyes and let me see you, Helena. I'm begging you. Your eyes are tired and your mind is weak, but still I see you for who you are. A beautiful soul who is having a hard time finding herself. You feel unloved and you wish you were never born into this world of destruction and hate. But let me tell you something. You ARE loved. There are so many people who care about you and want you to see tomorrow just as much as I do. Though I know how you feel, I also know that you can do this. You are strong and you will stay strong. I love you, Helena. Please don't leave me.

This short makes you feel all the emotions you engraved into it. You feel bad for this Helena character. I 've been through this feeling, not wanting them to leave, urging them to reconsider their being and the contributions they've put into the world. What a great thing you've created.

There a lot of things you did really well in this! Your writing itself is eloquent, and it really comes off feeling as if this narrator cares deeply for this Helena person. The message (you're depressed, don't be, I love you and you're special) is simple, but the emotion and sophistication you put into sharing this message makes it a strong piece of writing.

The biggest problem is the writing isn't split into paragraphs, which makes it a lot more difficult to read than it should be. I copy/pasted your work into Microsoft Word, pressed enter after every few lines and not only does it read clearer, but it allows your competent vocabulary to shine through.

I'm not sure why you start the piece with "As a child, you were an empty shell," but later on you start to describe Helena as if she is an empty shell right now. It threw me off because it took me longer to figure out the jest of the writing.

That's about it. I hope you share more writing with us in the future, this was very poised.

I just have a couple grammatical nitpicks and some stylistic suggestions.

As a child you were an empty shell, nothing could get you out of your bed to face the world.

we have all felt this pain, the kind of pain that sits on our soul eating away at us, telling us we’re not worth the dirt on life's shoes and that we would be better off left for dead.

Your infatuation with the darkness of the world weakens you and leaves you with open wounds allowing the infection that is society to crawl in until you are dead. Some part of me believes that you are happy with the sadness and you see the shelter as the storm, holding onto the cold air as a way to warm yourself.

You look in the mirror and see an ugly failure that has no purpose in this life, and empty, soulless form that cannot see the beauty in the world and that love that is around you.

You've lost your job and have nowhere to go.

You sit there like a empty bag of flesh just waiting for the next day expecting me to do everything for you.

your drugs go against their purpose and leave you to rot until the very next day when you need to take them again.

Look me in the eyes and let me see you, Helena.

...but still I see you for who you are. A beautiful soul who is having a hard time finding herself.

You ARE loved.