Your beauty emanates from within, and you are so much more than you believe. As a child you were an empty shell, nothing could get you out of your bed to face the world. You believed it was too hard and life wasn't worth the effort. we have all felt this pain, the kind of pain that sits on our soul eating away at us, telling us we’re not worth the dirt on life's shoes and that we would be better off left for dead. We could take our own life and save other people the trouble of abandoning us when we are most vulnerable. You must understand that these are lies. You were never a burden to begin with, you were a blessing and you always will be. You always have been. Your infatuation with the darkness of the world weakens you and leaves you with open wounds allowing the infection that is society to crawl in until you are dead. Some part of me believes that you are happy with the sadness and you see the shelter as the storm, holding onto the cold air as a way to warm yourself. You look in the mirror and see an ugly failure that has no purpose in this life, and empty, soulless form that cannot see the beauty in the world and that love that is around you. You've lost your job and have nowhere to go. You sit there like a empty bag of flesh just waiting for the next day expecting me to do everything for you. Your endless apathy is the essence of your very being which concerns me. your drugs go against their purpose and leave you to rot until the very next day when you need to take them again. Although I hate to see you this way, I can't do anything unless you let me. Look me in the eyes and let me see you, Helena. I'm begging you. Your eyes are tired and your mind is weak, but still I see you for who you are. A beautiful soul who is having a hard time finding herself. You feel unloved and you wish you were never born into this world of destruction and hate. But let me tell you something. You ARE loved. There are so many people who care about you and want you to see tomorrow just as much as I do. Though I know how you feel, I also know that you can do this. You are strong and you will stay strong. I love you, Helena. Please don't leave me.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well before we take a crack at the actual piece here I have to start by saying this really needs to be broken into at the very least two paragraphs, maybe more because at the moment its a giant wall of text that's a bit hard to read. The flow is surprisingly intact despite it being a wall of text but you should still split this up a little bit, just to make that much easier for the reader to well read it.
Moving onto the actual text though, this is a very emotional piece here and a rather powerful one at this. It seems there's just so much being poured behind these words here as this person writes to what I assume is their lover who seems to perhaps be in a very low point in life.
The emotion you've poured into this is very evident and it makes for a really awesome read I think. There's just a really powerful sense of someone really trying to help another and even as a reader you feel very uplifted reading it. I think it just overall makes for a really awesome read here, and one that leaves you with a massive smile on your face.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This short makes you feel all the emotions you engraved into it. You feel bad for this Helena character. I 've been through this feeling, not wanting them to leave, urging them to reconsider their being and the contributions they've put into the world. What a great thing you've created.
There a lot of things you did really well in this! Your writing itself is eloquent, and it really comes off feeling as if this narrator cares deeply for this Helena person. The message (you're depressed, don't be, I love you and you're special) is simple, but the emotion and sophistication you put into sharing this message makes it a strong piece of writing.
The biggest problem is the writing isn't split into paragraphs, which makes it a lot more difficult to read than it should be. I copy/pasted your work into Microsoft Word, pressed enter after every few lines and not only does it read clearer, but it allows your competent vocabulary to shine through.
I'm not sure why you start the piece with "As a child, you were an empty shell," but later on you start to describe Helena as if she is an empty shell right now. It threw me off because it took me longer to figure out the jest of the writing.
That's about it. I hope you share more writing with us in the future, this was very poised.
I just have a couple grammatical nitpicks and some stylistic suggestions.
This should be split into two separate sentences at the comma, or add an 'and'.
The 'w' should be capitalized. Also, the separation between "felt this pain" and "the kind of pain" looked strange to me. However, you can pretty much ignore this comment unless you want to investigate further, because I don't know how to fix it. It might need to be two separate sentences, but I could be totally wrong. It might even be fine, who knows. I just figured I'd point it out. I like the little personification of 'life' you added here, about "the dirt on life's shoes".
Wow. This is just beautiful. I read this as if it was a spoken word poem and it hit me pretty hard. You are able to show off your vocabulary and you diverse array of sentence structures while conveying a very powerful, relatable message, and that is an invaluable skill to possess.
The bold 'and' doesn't make sense. Maybe you meant 'an'? If so, perhaps there should be a semicolon right before that. That would make the separation more clear. I'm not 100% sure that that would be correct, so don't quote me on it. The 'that' before 'love' is a stylistic choice, but personally, it sounds choppy to me. 'The' would be smoother.
So here is where it gets weird for me. This is the first instance where I realized that this literary work is speaking to one specific person. It is you writing a letter of sorts to a single individual. The whole time before that, I thought you were writing this as a motivation piece to everyone who has felt that pain you described earlier. If you wanted that surprise factor then good job. Just, maybe try to hint with some foreshadowing before the big reveal. Breaking this chunk of words up into paragraphs would help your formatting a great deal as well. However, if you expected the reader to understand that the letter was not addressed to everyone, I think you need to drop some heavy hints throughout the piece.
There needs to be some sort of separation between "day" and "expecting".
The 'y' needs to be capitalized. Here, you introduce another specific flaw in this person's actions. Mentioning an actual name of a medication (I assume that's what you meant by "drug", based on the context??) would add detail and validate your knowledge as well. Up to you.
Other than the title, this is the first mention of Helena that the reader gets. If you meant this piece to be for/to her, I would suggest clarifying this ("Dear Helena,") but I could be misinterpreting your point.
The second part of this quote isn't a sentence, so you either need to add a couple words to make it one, or connect it to the previous sentence with a colon/semicolon.
When you're writing a formal piece of literature, try your very best not to capitalize entire words for emphasis, especially when it's not a shouting-fighting-screaming scene. Italicizing always looks more professional and it conveys the same amount of emphasis.
Okay, so that's all the nitpicks. I probably missed some little things, but it's nothing a little editing can't fix. As for the piece in its entirety, it is very motivational and inspirational. And like I said before, you have a few sections in here that have amazing wording. I would like to see a spoken word poem from you at some point. I think you could move a lot of people simply with the things you write, and that's a rare skill to have.
Let me know if you have any questions about my review, and I hope it helped.
~Sevro