I wait in silence, hunched over, trying to make myself as small as possible in order not to be seen.
My eyes are peeled never lifting from their fixed position to the left. I fell numb in the foot and try to wiggle my toes so to get the blood circulating. I breath in and out, trying to control my beating heart which I'm sure is so loud that it will give my away. I try to swallow but can't get it past my dried up throat, I try again and this time am able too but only with first experiencing great pain.
I listen to the whispers of the trees and beg them to keep me hidden.
As I wait my heart slows down to what may be considered a normal pace and I start to relax, the muscles inside me no longer as tense. Although a sudden movement out of the corner of my eye makes my heart jump right up again. I feel as if it is going to come right out of my mouth and fly away. When I see it appearing from behind a big pine tree the pain in my throat seizes to exist, the numbness in my foot fades away and nothing else matters except what is infront of me. It sees me hiding there, beneath the bushes, in the soil. As I look into its wide eyes and I know that I have no choice but to face it full on. For to stay would be suicide but to run would be worse. I would have no chance of escaping it. It would simply hunt me down and sink itself into me and would give me no mercy, no matter how hard I begged. So again I wait in silence, ready for what is coming for me. For my fate. The beast approaches, its eyes locked on me, its mouth hanging open so that I can see its row of pointy teeth. The glisten like knives in the moonlight and I can see them wet with my blood.
The teeth that any second now will rip me open and shread me to bits like I am as soft as a tissue. I pray to whatever god that will listen to me. I pray for forgiveness that I never meant to hurt anything, whether it was animal or human, that I was just doing my job and that if I could take back all those hours and days spent these same woods with a gun in my hand and blood on my shirt then i would. The beast is so close to me that I can smeel its breath, it is the smell of blood and dirt.
After years of chasing, of hunting, of killing I am the one. The one being chased, hunted, killed.
The few seconds in which it takes for the beast to clear the distance between us feels like they are stretched out into years. The beast moves in slow motion, with one leg slwoly being lifted up and the muscles rippling through the body. Rather like water rippling in a river.
I watch when the beast opens its large mouth and widens its eyes. And finally as I look into it's face do I understand what I failed to understand for close to a decade. I understand exactly how my prey felt as i shoot them throuhg the heart. I understand the terror conveyed on their faces and I understand just how bad the crimes I have commited are. As the beast surges forward and its jaws lock onto my throat, I cry out in pain.
Finally, I truly understand what it is like to be hunted.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
To me the last line of the first para doesn't make much sense. you have forgotten to leave space between some word which include 'I' before them. i just want to tell you that it's my first time writing and i am not good at giving reviews and if I made any mistakes in reviewing please forgive me.The sixth para i thin you could have left the 'of' from hunting and killing.I also spotted a spelling mistake in 7th para 'slwoly' . There is also another mistake in the 8th para "throuhg'.
So the girl was a hunter and now she ends up being the one hunted. I think you could've mentioned the beast 'a lion,tiger,cougar,jaguar,leopard or anything but i like it that you didn't too,it leaves a mystery. Overall you story was strangely lovely.there's also a lot of other spelling errors.
I think AhmadBlues got everything. So, yeah, what he said, and I like the story. Nice spacing, creating new paragraphs, that always keeps your readers on their toes. Well done.
Hi Nargles! I'm here as requested!
It's an interesting idea. There were a few grammatical and spelling issues, (it's in the place of its, uncapitalised 'I's, run on sentences etc), but I won't go into detail. A quick read-through with MS Word should do.
I'm so sorry for taking forever to get here - I'm not usually like that. Life got in the way and was horrible.
Excuses Schmexcuses. Let's begin!
First impressions: Nice!
BUT, you did write 'it's' in the place of 'its'. I used to do that loads myself, so I'm quickly going to explain what I do to make sure it's right
Both of the 'it's' there shouldn't have an apostrophe, confusingly o_O (English has to be like that >_> Why? ) Whenever I have a sentence and I don't know what to use, I un-contract the contractions so it's like this:
Doesn't make sense when you write it out like this, so that's how you know that it is 'its' without the apostrophe. Does that make any sense? xD
I will commend you for some pretty good descriptions here! Well done. I can imagine the monster pretty well! To make it even better, metaphors and similes would be great here, instead of "pointy teeth" for example. Are they like knives? That sort of thing
My main issue here is probably... well, if I'm honest, I don't really feel very much emotion. We can see the emotion; we *know* the character is nervous and scared, but what makes a piece absolutely brilliant, is when us readers feel the emotions too. Ever read an amazing book where you're scared for the character? A lot of it can be done through the variation of sentence structure and paragraphs etc. Pretty simple.
Compare these two:
That was a terrible example, personally, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say when compared to this.
See how the first was much more suspenseful? All because I used a mixture of long and short sentences and I manipulated the use of paragraphs. It's pretty easy.
That's it from me! I hope I helped, and do feel free to contact me if you've got any questions!
Keep writing,
~Blues
thanks for the review it was very helpful!!!
hey!
it was a good read. i picked out some typos. i'll just point them out to you so it makes it easier for you to edit.
" experiencign" this is supposed to be experiencing right?
" my troat " throat
" smeel" smell
i guess a few more but it can be edited. i love the whole theme of the story, the description is really good. Just work on the grammar and spellings you'll do fine. do you type in the story using MS word? it helps a lot when it comes to spellings.
The repeated usage of the word beast doesnt go well on the whole read, maybe replacing them with synonyms will do good. this is up to you though.
-manisha
Thanks, i wasn't able to copy it straight from word which is probably why there were a few typos, i will fix the mistakes up right away!
Hi,
Toby here with your review today. Overall I think it's a great idea and you did a good job portraying it. The good things were the excellent discriptive language that made me feel like I was part of the story.
Now to the not do good things. In all I counted 18 spelling and grammical mistakes, so you really need to make sure you read through it before posting. To edit it just click the edit text button to your right.
Another thing, when you say....
After years of chasing, of hunting, of kiling I am the one the one being chased, hunted, killed.
It gets repetitive, try to substitute those second hunted and killed for something else.
Lastly, your last line could change for effect from....
Finally, I truly understand what it is like to be hunted.
To, Finally, I know what it's like.
You might want to think about it.
Keep writing,
Toby.
thanks, I will try to remember your advice. for the line 'after years of chasing, of hunting' etc I did that because I wanted to emphasise how things had changed and how now he was in the other position. Once again thanks for the advice I am glad that you enjoyed it as it is my first piece.