The four of us gravitated toward the corner farthest away from the stranger that stepped onto the elevator. Us four like the merry Hobbits of Wiltshire, bonded with laughter. He smiled vaguely at each one of us in turn- three men and me, we returned none of acting. The elevator halted to the next floor, signaling another passenger. The doors opened and before the mother of three could distract her children long enough to get them inside the shaft- the stranger muttered
"Sorry, all full" and hurriedly smacked the close button with his palm.
When it was clear he pulled the emergency stop and we froze in midst of floors eleven and twelve.
"I'll make you a deal," he said pulling the .45 out of his blazer pocket, "Give me the girl and everyone lives."
Just like that, they shoved me forward- sacrificing my life as a lamb to some random vagabond. In an instance of brilliance, I used my Bulimic practices on the spot and disgusted the man so greatly that the cocked gun was dropped, the bullet ricocheted off an advertisement for male enhancement, and ironically shot through the frightened stranger straight through the zipper of his pants.
And that, my friend, is why the mayor had to adopt his son.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So umm I'm still recovering from the laughing fit I had at the ending to this. This seems to just a fun little idea that was never meant to have a plot or anything. This seems t be straight out of r/jokes or something like that and that's totally fine. Its definitely a story and a pretty darn well written one a that.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Pretty decent opening. Somewhat neutral but teetering towards being attention grabby.
Well that's definitely a lie for sure.
Oh dear this one made me literally fall out of my chair laughing. Really well done there. Perfection has been achieved...almost.
And that....is what we call a PUNCHLINE. This is a really nice little piece that you have here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So not a ton of things for me to be saying here. All I can say is like most short stories do this one flows pretty well, there was some pretty good language being used and above all it was hilarious. Great job!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Very amusing flash-sort-of-fiction.
Ah, I'd double space between paragraphs and check the punctuation really quick - that's all. Might make it a bit more readable. But brilliant on the morbid sense of humor meter.
It was just a quick think that I thought was a bit funny, that's all.
I was bored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um... ok? I don't get it. Again, this is too short to be interesting. This is a good starting point, but where does it go? What is it for?