A Rant- none the less

I want to be amused– to laugh.

I want to feel sad– to cry, to grieve.

I want to feel passion, desire, lust.

I want to care deeply, fondly, tenderly, gently- for friends, men, pets, and plants.

I want to feel desired, wanted, lusted after, attractive, gorgeous, sexy: To feel the power of my sexuality to motivate men. I feel constantly aware of being judged on my appearance, which forces me to consider appearances to be important. Because getting dressed is almost like putting on a costume for a show– my costume has to be carefully selected and arranged for effect, not merely a utilitarian covering, and I want to know that I have accomplished my purpose.

I want to feel cared for, nurtured, protected, comforted.

I want to feel needed, but not just for sex.

I want to feel understood– to not feel alone in my own head, but mind-melded with someone who shares my thoughts and feelings.

I want a strong man to lead me, but only in exactly the way I want to go.

I want to feel in control of my body and my sexuality.

I want to feel angry, bitchy, pissed off, and able to shout out my feelings without thought of self control– to vent, to blast the world in general, or the stupid, fucking, testosterone driven idiotic male I am stuck with– at least for the moment, for every little tiny thing that annoys me, and for those deep hurts that last for years.

I want to blast the world for giving me hormones, periods, labor pains, and all the shit I get stuck with.

I want to feel accepted– to feel like I fit in, but at the same time, I want to be different, unusual, idiosyncratic, a bit odd in my own special way, not like anyone else at all.

I want to feel unique, special, different, not pigeonholed by some idiot who thinks he can generalize about the entire gender, as if all women wanted the same things, which obviously we do NOT.

I want to know just exactly what men are thinking– I want to get inside their heads and run my mental fingers through their brains– to know them in a way that they don't even know themselves, to feel what they are feeling.

What I want is to FEEL.