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Young Writers Society



Left to die

by Nai-Xi


Left to die by my own platoon, left in the middle of this city of ruins. No one knows it name or even its origin. All I have is my notebook as my rifle and my pen as my bullets. My partner was herded away with the rest of the soldiers that ran away from the face of death. They left there rifles on the floor and ran from there honor. Abandoned there partners and their duty. Never to be seen again by the rest of us. They will go home and claim all the wonders they saw, all the battles they fought, and all the souls they have claimed. But it is all lies of the insecure, where the frightened hide and the cowards rot, where the mighty and the fearsome will be shot down with such ease. So I lay on the church stoop looking into the face of the enemy. These enemies were once my brothers, my sisters, and my family. Until they saw a glimpse of weakness, and struck me with the butt of there rifles with no mercy. So I stare down at the backstabbers. The people that have betrayed my trust. I look at the rifles they choose to use, the bullets they choose to fire at there chosen enemies. They function like robots. They take orders not matter how cruel and dark they are. And follow them with a cold heart and smite the innocent on there way there. They do not know what honor is. They may know what it is like to be a soldier but they don't know what it is like to be a hero. They don't know what it is like hold a rifle and someone’s heart at the same time.

So I stand here with my lost brothers. A few soldiers that choose to face death and use there rifles to smite down our enemies. Different languages, different cultures, different religions, but we all are brought together for a cause. A revolution before we fall to the bullets of hate and anger. Some of us may make it, some us may not. Some of use may live to tell the story of the horror we have faced. So as we prepare to face our end, I will rejoice. For when i die all who read my notebook will see the horrors and joys of life.

For all the women, men, and children that read it will see my message of hope. So grab your rifles and hold them close to your heart. Hell on earth has arrived and we will stand against it, for even if we die, they will find our notebooks. And I shall smile when my blood will be sprinkled over the minds of the young.

There it is. My first entry on this site. I hope you guys liked it. I can take constructive criticism so throw at me what ever you got.


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Points: 790
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Sat Feb 14, 2009 1:05 am
Forest Jade wrote a review...



This definitely interested me, and I do want to hear more. I assume as you go along and add to the "notebook" you'll explain what war this is, who this guy is, why he was betrayed, etc. etc.

"...until the saw a glimpse of weakness and struck me down with the butt of there rifles..." Quick note: they're, their, and there. They're = they are; their = possession; and there = a place. The correct form to use in this context would be "their." Might want to double check to be sure that doesn't occur in any other places and keep that in mind for future writing. You'd be suprised how even little grammar mistakes can be extremely distracting.

Awesome use of words, though. "All I have is my notebook as my rifle and my pen as my bullets." - You can tell the speaker isn't passive or hopeless. Resigned, maybe, but still fighting, even without being armed with a weapon. He still holds power, and I can hear that in a single sentance.
"And I shall smile when my blood will be sprinkled over the minds of the young." - So not gross. When I first read it I went, "Eww!" but then I thought about how poetic that it. Now I really like it.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading and commenting on our work.




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Fri Feb 13, 2009 8:43 pm
PhoenixBishop wrote a review...



This was really good. I liked how he didn't show, but told what happened. My inly real comment is the fact that you didn't captilize your I's in a few places. And the me in the last pargraph should be a we I assume because "Hell on earth has arrived and me must do our duty." dosen't make any sense. FOr your first post this was realy good. Only work on grammar. For something so short problems like these stand out like sore thumbs.




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Fri Feb 13, 2009 3:56 pm
Lauren wrote a review...



I liked it a lot. There was a lot of "telling, not showing" here---but I don't think that's an issue in this case. The anger and resentment came across superbly, without any frills. I was wondering what war this is set in, or rather was it a war of your imagining? I thought first world war but I'm not sure.
Anyway, I would say there is nothing much to change. I'm glad it told rather than showed in many cases - it made it sound more like something written. Plus, the writer is obviously not in the mood to bother creating a scene!
Kudos to you for this. Only thing that bothered me was the 'I's in lower-case. Was there a reason for that/am I too much of a pleb to realise? :)

Lauren





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"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore