I want to sit you down and talk. I want to sit you down and tell you about all the times I have made a fool of myself. I want to find out where I went all wrong. Open the curtains of your mind and let the light flow in like fresh air into your lungs. I want to break down the walls just so the world can hear me screaming just a little louder before they put me in a straight jacket. Before I fade in that white room, I want you tell me all your memories. So that I may fight the white cushioned walls for a little longer. So that when I go to sleep I do not feel the pain that when I wake up there won’t be anything waiting for me. I want to wake up and see what happened between the times when I first spoke to you to the time I realized I was taken by your words. Those weeks felt like seconds and those seconds felt like days. I want to walk down the street and have love rain over me until my hands are shaking cold. My mind over exaggerates the emotions I feel but there is still that initial feeling. I make a flower seem like a meadow, and a star seem like the night sky. But I am afraid I have missed my chance and my aspirations of the walks in the parks silently talking to each other will not come to be. The dreams race inside my head like 300 cars racing at 210 miles an hour until coming to a screeching halt when it all comes crashing down. No one knows how sometimes I shake at night because my nerves begin to jump and telling me to get out bed and go out and live. They keep telling me to shake the dust in my veins. My mind dulls the anxiety to live and I just lay there without a thought in my mind. Just a cell until a ray of sunlight comes crashing down into the room and tells me breath again. The single ray reminds me there is always going to be another day coming so your life isn't over yet. So I want to sit down on a park bench on a cloudy day and let your memories fill me with hope of a happy day. So that when the rain comes pouring down it does not wash away all the memories I have inside me that reminds me I am alive.
Inspiration: Low Rising by the Swell Season
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
So seriously, this poem was like a love/hate relationship for me. There were parts that I absolutely loved and there were other parts that I hated.
You also need to really watch your redundancies. You'll noticed that I also put several words in red. These are words or phrases that you used more than once, that really grated on my nerves. You also used "So" and "I want" so many times, that I didn't even bother to highlight them. Try cutting some of these lines out or replacing some of the words with synonyms, and I think that would really help. Good job, otherwise!
Interesting piece.
I wouldn't call it poetry though...
Very well crafted language portyaying some slightly cliched but still excellent ideas. It might be easier to read if it wasn't all one big block of text (was that your doing or a computer error of some sort?).
A few more problems, listed below:
"...tell you about all the times I have made a fool of myself. I want to find out where I went all wrong." It's clear that the speaker is going t be doing most of the talking in this desired conversation, so how do they hope to find out anything?
"So that when I go to sleep I do not feel the pain that when I wake up there won’t be anything waiting for me." Too much to say in one go, methinks. It doesn't suit the rest of the poem either, as most of the sentences are rather snappier. Same goes for the last sentence.
"the anxiety to live" What does this mean? Re-shuffling of words needed.
"to breath again" and "I want you tell me all your memories" Typoes, I belive.
Parts I particularly liked were:
"Before I fade into that white room"
"Open the curtains of your mind and let light flow in"
More lines like this, and the poets of the world will love you.