He awakens to the smell of rain. A pitter-patter on his window calms his mind as it leaves the calamity of his dreams, to the world of the self. His heartbeats slow as he takes a deep breath. His mind slow, his nerves are frozen. Locked into his own mind, he is trapped to the horrors that the mind sees. He drifts slowly back in consciousness and feels a great warmth, a single arm drawn about his chest clutching on to him with tenderness. His hand reaches for this familiar embrace. Soft to the touch he feels the warmth that his very soul feels. His heart skips. This warmth reveals his soul. This revelation slows time just enough for him. Seconds act as minuets, minuets act as hours. His hand reaches for this warmth. He is coupled with the self.
She awakens to the sound of rain, and the smell of musk and mist. Her head rested on his shoulder and her arm across his chest. Her journey to the self was peaceful. Her mind and soul are filled with peace and love, far too much for her to have on her own. She feels rough fingers gilding across her arm. She decided she would give that love to him. She opens her eyes and with that straight cold stare, she sees a gloomy forest. She froze. There it was her soul, a living scene, a cold and desolate scene. As the cold seeped into her mind, she felt those same rough fingers gliding across her arm. She follows them from the nails to the knuckles to the wrist. Then as her eyes journeyed from the wrist to the shoulder, she catches site of his eyes, a worried but caring set of eyes. She locks in. Her heart skips.
They awaken as one. The trapped mind and the dark forest come together, a lone camper in the comforting silence of the forest. He looked into her darkness and only saw the beauty in her silence. She is still and at rest with the presence of him. In the midst of this, the rain begins to fall harder. It washes over their souls, their sins. The rain cleanses their minds of their insecurities and vices. His eyes lock on hers and hers to his. Their hearts synchronize. “Hey.” she whispers as she reaches for his hand. “Hi.” he delivers with a chuckle and a smile. His eyes leave hers and look up toward the ceiling window. “The rain….” She joins him. “I know” They see water falling upon the ceiling, and the image is just as calming as the sound.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi! Alice here to review your piece.
First, I want to say that this is really good. I like how everything comes together at the end.
When you say awaken, it is in the present tense, but the rest of the piece is in past. Use awakened instead.
" Soft to the touch he feels the warmth that his very soul feels."
Add a comma after touch here.
"This revelation slows time just enough for him. Seconds act as minuets, minuets act as hours."
Minutes instead of munuets.
"He is coupled with the self. "
This part didn't really make sense to me. I don't know what it's trying to say.
"Her journey to the self was peaceful."
Again, I don't really understand this. Maybe you could explain it more?
"“Hey.” she whispers as she reaches for his hand. “Hi.” he delivers with a chuckle and a smile."
You should still capitalize "she" and "he" because you end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma.
"“The rain….” She joins him. “I know”"
If you are going to use an ellipse, only use three periods instead of four. Also, put a period in after "know"
Punctuating dialogue is also important. Each time someone starts speaking, it should be a new paragraph.
Hope I help!
~Alice
"The self" is a pronoun in itself like in buddhism. So when i say he is coupled with the self he is joined together with self. I used couple because i couldn't find another word that fits for what i am trying to say. Same in the other case. Journey to the self is like "journey to kings landing". All your input is very much appreciated!
This is good.
It has real beauty in it and I love the imperfections of your characters melting into something right. Something unbroken. You have captured something magical with this piece.
So I don't want to completely skim over the few things I noticed holding this story from being a good as it could be, not matter how much I like it. One thing is that when you are writing from the guy's point of view it doesn't flowing as well as the women's.
Like this beginning part feels a wee bit over descriptive.
#A pitter-patter on his window calms his mind as it leaves the calamity of his dreams, to the world of the self. His heartbeats slow as he takes a deep breath. His mind slow, his nerves are frozen. Locked into his own mind, he is trapped to the horrors that the mind sees. He drifts slowly back in consciousness and feels a great warmth,#
We have the calamity of his dreams, then the world of the self, then He is lock into his own mind and finally he is trapped in the horrors that the mind sees.
To be honest you could probably get away with using just one of these phrases just fine. Two if you are feeling fancy, but four in a line like that seems a bit much, but it could just me.
Other than that I have nothing else to say other than a tiny nitpick,
#Seconds act as minuets, minuets act as hours. #
It is minutes, not minuets.
Keep writing this was great.
DG
Thank you! It always the little things that get me when i complete something! Even something as little as grammar and spelling. -_- Im so glad you like my piece!
Hi! there Nai-xi
..
This is something new to me and, at the same, thrilling. I like that you have written in an omniscient point of view but giving us—your readers, their current emotion separately making us understand your characters, better. Then, on the last paragraph you made it for the two of them it was really nice. I just have a small correction to make:
The spelling of minutes in this line, aside from that I didn't find anything else that needs correction.
By the way, I was intrigued by ‘the self,’ is it some sort of a new world? If I understood it right, because clearly for me, the ‘Awakening’ means something like ‘a new you’ or ‘new beginning’.
That said, don't get me wrong — I really liked the whole story but I personally like this line:
it is beautifully written. There is much tender and love brought out in this line.
Nice work..
Keep on writing
Thank you so much!