Hi! Alice here to review your piece.
First, I want to say that this is really good. I like how everything comes together at the end.
When you say awaken, it is in the present tense, but the rest of the piece is in past. Use awakened instead.
" Soft to the touch he feels the warmth that his very soul feels."
Add a comma after touch here.
"This revelation slows time just enough for him. Seconds act as minuets, minuets act as hours."
Minutes instead of munuets.
"He is coupled with the self. "
This part didn't really make sense to me. I don't know what it's trying to say.
"Her journey to the self was peaceful."
Again, I don't really understand this. Maybe you could explain it more?
"“Hey.” she whispers as she reaches for his hand. “Hi.” he delivers with a chuckle and a smile."
You should still capitalize "she" and "he" because you end the dialogue with a period instead of a comma.
"“The rain….” She joins him. “I know”"
If you are going to use an ellipse, only use three periods instead of four. Also, put a period in after "know"
Punctuating dialogue is also important. Each time someone starts speaking, it should be a new paragraph.
Hope I help!
~Alice
Points: 736
Reviews: 13
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