Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
They had been driving for quite a while now, Snowflake glanced over to the sleeping Feather every now and then, the slithering mountain roads had come to an end, and now they were driving on a straight country road. The sun had left them, a few hours before, and Snowflake had started to feel her eyes getting heavy. She glanced off to the side of the road further ahead and saw a place where they could pull over, and park for the night. She pulled over, and turned off the car, getting out, she looked in the trunk to find a tarp she could cover it with, pulling it over and securing it. She grabbed a mat and some sleeping bags that Sandy had left for her grandkids. She looked in the car, to see Feather still sleeping and decided to let her be. She climbed in the trunk, under the tarp, climbing in the sleeping bag, ending up putting the other one open on top, to get some extra warmth.
Feather woke up as Snowflake turned on the ignition, she just glanced over at Snowflake, who was currently just looking at the road and she pulled back out from the side. They kept driving, Snowflake really had no idea where they were going, but soon they entered a town, it wasn’t a small town it was more mid-sized. Snowflake pulled the car over when she arrived at a small plaza, that had a few clothing stores, a supermarket, and a small arcade. She parked up, and looked over to Feather,
“We will stock up on clothes, and maybe we can stay lowkey here. Is there a way you can hide those?” Snowflake asked, gesturing to Feather’s wings. Feather shrugged,
“I don’t know” she simply said, looking over her shoulder at the wing, that sat uncomfortably against the car door.
Snowflake looked at the wings, for a moment, as Feather awkwardly tried to evade her gaze.
“Are you a size small?” She suddenly asked, leading to Feather flinching a bit.
Feather nodded before Snowflake gave her the keys and stepped out.
“It will only be a minute; I will try to get you some warm clothes and such.” Snowflake said gesturing to the t-shirt Feather was wearing.
“Could you also get some scissors?” Feather asked looking at her wings, before looking back at Snowflake, who nodded and closed the door.
Snowflake looked back at the orange truck before se turned around to look at the different stores, she scanned the small plaza, and laid her eyes on a small, kind of out of the way store. It looked a bit dingy and had big yellow ‘sale’ signs out front. ‘Why not’ she thought as she headed over to the store, and as she entered a small bell rang above her head. It seemed like the store was even darker when you stepped inside, she looked around and saw the palest, but also weird clothing. It was a mix of the basics and weird colorful stuff from China. She walked over to some basic stuff, and before she even touched it, she heard a voice from behind.
“Can I help you.” A voice said, before Snowflake turned, she readied herself, she had started pulling off her gloves. As she turned, she saw an older man, around 6’8, heavy build. He really didn’t have much left in him, she could see the empty dark eyes.
“No, I am fine.” She said, looking him over a bit, taking a slight step back.
“What is a girl like you doing all alone?” He simply said, which sent shivers down Snowflake’s spine, she really hated these types of ‘fuckers’ as she would say.
“That’s none of your business.” She said, as she pulled her other glove off, putting her hands behind her back. Her fingertips turning slightly white.
“You got some mouth on you.” He said, stepping closer, sadly those were the last words that would ever come out of that man. He never saw it coming.
Snowflake reached out her hands in an instant, and grabbed onto him, quickly his body started freezing over, his whimpers of pain and horror slowly withered away, and soon he was merely but a frozen statue. Snowflake quickly grabbed the basics, such as t-shirts, hoodies, pants and so on. As much as she could have in a few bags. She quickly hurried out of the store, walking back to the trucks, chucking the bags in the back seat, getting in the driver’s seat, and turning on the car.
“Are you alright?” Feather said, looking over at Snowflake, who now broke out of her trance to notice the steering wheel being covered in ice.
“U-Uh… Yeah no, I am fine.” Snowflake said, grabbing her gloves from her pocket, slipping them on.
Feather looked in the back seat at all the clothes, before speaking up.
“How did you have money for all this?” she asked, holding up a black hoodie, looking at the size.
“Don’t worry about it.” She simply replied, before starting up the car.
“We need to get those scissors at another supermarket.”
Feather just glanced at Snowflake, slowly nodding. She had those eyes, it was almost like you could feel the terror, and screams, of that little girl that hid behind them.
Quick images flashed in Snowflake’s head, as she drove off from the plaza, it was not the first time she had had to freeze some ‘weirdo’, she felt some kind of duty to protect Feather. It was almost like she reminded her of someone.
They had quickly stopped at a nearby supermarket to get a pair of scissors, it was really a in and out situation, and as soon as they stopped they were already gone again. Feather looked out the window, glancing down the suburban streets, that once were filled with playing kids, but now empty and bare, with ‘for sale’ signs in front of 30% of the houses. A lot of kids had been sent away, and never returned, from those hospitals. ‘I was lucky’ she thought as she looked down at her wings, holding them a bit closer to herself.
“How did you not get sent away? Looking like that?” Snowflake asked, keeping her eyes on the road, and they exited the city.
“My parents, uh… aren’t around.” She replied, looking out the window at the expanding plains.
“Right… Okay, I am sorry for asking.” Snowflake said.
The car held an awkward silence, for what felt like an eternity.
“My parents didn’t want me either.” Snowflake said, breaking the silence.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi there, NadjaWasHere! Dropping by to give you a review. I will be using the YWS'mores method to help structure my review.
The Top Graham Cracker: I apologize in advance, I did not read the previous chapter, so my review will be solely based on this chapter alone. Judging by the novel title, though, I think this will be of some interest to me! I'm fond of the X-Men series but I enjoy stories about mutants.
The Slightly Burnt Marshmallow:
This is a run-on sentence. I suggest editing it and splitting it into two sentences.
Same thing here.
These are just a few examples of run-on sentences. As I continue to read, I see more and more. Consider proofreading this to look specifically for the run-on sentences so you can fix them.
I would not use the word "climbed" twice in the same sentence. Use a new verb.
Don't use bold here; bold text is only ever used in parts of a book such as the table of contents or the titles. It's hardly ever used in the actual narration of the story.
The Melty Chocolate Bar This was really good so far! Are you a new writer? I feel as if you are, because this chapter is a bit choppy, but the narration itself is good and the descriptive language is nice! I like that I was able to gather up a decent amount of information about Snowflake and Feather, both individually and on their relationship. I like how Snowflake was so quick to protect Feather from the humans, by stealing and even murdering someone to keep her safe, despite not really knowing Feather that well at all. It tells me a lot about their building relationship.
My favorite lines were these:
The Bottom Graham Cracker: Overall, this was really good! Like I mentioned earlier, you need to keep an eye out for any run-on sentences, as they make the story feel very choppy and awkward. If you haven't already, I suggest you always proofread your work before publishing it, and paying specific attention to your punctuation. You overuse commas a lot and opt to use them instead of periods, which creates run-on sentences. Besides that, this has a lot of potential and I hope you continue to write it out! Remember, the only way to improve is to keep on writing.
I hope this review was a bit helpful.
~Iggy
Hi there! Lim here with a review.
This looks like a story that’s heavy on character introspection and development, rather than necessarily the external plot. That’s the impression I get from these first two chapters anyway!
Having read the first chapter, this one raises more questions for me: where is Snowflake going, and why? I’d assume it has something to do with survival - maybe people are out to get her in this town so she’s moving to somewhere safer? I like the detail about Feather needing to cut holes in a shirt for her wings - I feel like practical things like that sometimes go unanswered in art featuring winged characters xD
Something I like about this chapter is how you showed that Snowflake has lived a hard life. The way she responds to the creepy man and immediately uses her power to kill him shows that she lives in a difficult world where she needs to be desensitised to such things for her own survival.
I like this dialogue in particular because it’s indirect. The fact that she’s avoiding talking about it at all shows to me that she’s disturbed by what happened but is trying to just keep going.
Something you might want to think about is the descriptions. I had a couple of suggestions on how to make them easier to read and make the scenes easier to imagine - if you’re looking to revise them at some stage.
It feels like there are multiple sentences contained within this sentence. I think I’d be able to imagine the town better if it were broken up a bit, making the pace a bit slower as well. I’d probably suggest starting a new sentence after “they entered a town”?
Similarly, it would help me separate what ‘he’ is saying from Snowflake’s thought if that comma was instead a period or full stop, and perhaps also if you made that thought its own paragraph.
It feels kind of mechanical to imagine 30% of houses on a street having ‘for sale’ signs, if that makes sense, and I think the point of this part is to create an emotional reaction. Even if there literally are only signs on 30% of the houses - maybe Feather would feel like it’s still too many, and think something like ‘Everywhere she looked there were ‘for sale’ signs’. I feel something like that would make the description smoother.
One question I had was about the clothes they have available at the supermarket:
Are ‘normal’ clothes in this setting all pale? And (colourful) clothes from China are considered ‘weird’? This part seemed to me like something that speaks to Snowflake’s upbringing - it’s definitely not a ‘neutral’ description. I feel like that says a lot about where Snowflake is coming from - A society that is prejudiced against mutants from their own country would probably also be prejudiced against any people or culture that is unfamiliar in some way. I was wondering if that was an intentional choice you made in this description?
Another thing I like about this chapter is the worldbuilding you did through describing the empty streets. It’s really quite striking to think that ‘family’ homes and neighbourhoods have been abandoned because of people abandoning their kids and that really hammers in the dystopian element of the story.
Overall, I think you’ve got interesting characters and a setting that I’d like to see develop. I’m still hoping to find out where Snowflake is going and what she wants to accomplish by going there.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
Thank you so much for this review! I am currently reworking some of the descriptions as well so these tips helps alot! As for the prejudice, you are on point
This story is heavily based on having different views from these 2 characters. I am also currently working on chapter 3 and it should be out soonish
Ah, I see! Looking forward to reading it!