Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Mortem ran through the fields; he hadn’t looked back since he started running. All he could hear was his mother’s voice telling him to run. He had ended up running to the nearby town, slipping on the skull while he ran. Mortem settled in an alley, he wrapped his cloak around himself, leaning against the wall.
“Why do you wear that mask...?” a small girl said, standing in front of Mortem, she had short brown hair, and was wearing a red dress and some black boots. He flinched, as he pressed himself up against the wall.
“Uh… I- Well it was my mother’s… I wear it in her honor.” He said, looking her up and down, she couldn’t be more than 8 years old. He looked out onto the street to see if her parents were waiting for her but saw no one.
“Excuse me, but where are your parents?” Mortem said looking a bit worried for the child.
“Well… I’m an outcast.” She said holding out her hand, and Mortem watched as a beautiful lilac flower grew from her palm. She placed it on his horn and some vines wrapped around securing it tightly.
“Such a talent you have there, we are more a like than you think.” He said standing up, reaching out his gloved hand to her.
“I know.” she said with a smirk, gladly taking his hand. As they started walking, Mortem looked down,
“What’s your name?” He said with a smirk,
“Evalyn, and you?” Evalyn said looking up at Mortem and into his green eyes.
------ | | ------
Together they left town, and went on to travel to different kingdoms, and a lot of towns. Mortem watched Evalyn grow and saw her personality shine through the cracks. About 10 years later, after they had been on the road, staying in rentals, caves and even camped in the wilderness, they found a rather small village that they settled in.
------ | | ------
Evalyn stood in a doorway, her brown hair reaching her midback and still wearing a red dress like before, in a kind of messy house that was built into a cave.
“You know you should really fix the front door; it’s going to fall off it’s hinges.” She said looking to Mortem, who was still wearing his skull, standing by his desk looking over some stacks of books.
“Right, I’ll do that sure, could you pick me up a book about the native flowers?” He said, not really paying attention to Evalyn. He thought of her as his daughter. After all it was him that had taken her in all those years ago,
“Native flowers, got it. Did you hear what I said?” Evalyn asked, stepping closer. Mortem turned,
“Sorry what?” He said, kind of cold, he wasn’t there, he was thinking of something way off in the distance.
“The door...?” Evalyn said, pointing to the front door, that was slanted almost falling off the hinges.
“OH! Right! The door.” He said pointing to it, walking over to grab it right as it fell to the ground with a crash.
“Right, I’ll be off, and will be leaving you to fix that.” she said, smirking a bit at the sight.
“Ha, ha very funny.” he said, looking at her as she walked out.
She walked out of the cave, making her way into a field, towards a small town. There wasn’t much in the town, mostly a couple shops, including a bookstore. As she walked into town, she felt the stares from the people around her, it felt like bees stinging her neck. As she walked up to the bookstore, opened the door, immediately going to the ‘nature’ section. She looked through the books, scanning the titles, suddenly her quiet thoughts were interrupted by a voice,
“Y-You need to leave.” Said the voice, Evalyn turned around to see a shaken shop owner, barely holding a crossbow up.
“I just need to buy this book…” Evalyn said, holding a book titled ‘Native flowers of Yuojin’. The shop owner gestured to the disk, and Evalyn slowly made her way over.
“I’m sorry, we are leaving soon…” She said quietly, keeping her head down, as she placed the book on the counter.
“I just don’t want my family-“ he said with a shake to his voice. She nodded, slowly pulling out a small pouch of gold coins.
“Keep the rest, I hope you and your family are well.” She said, as the shop owner put down the crossbow slowly. The owner nodded, as she left the building pulling up her hood. She knew this was a clear sign, they needed to move, and they needed to do it quickly. She hurried home to Mortem, once she was out of the town, she started running.
Evalyn burst through the newly fixed door, almost breaking it once again.
“Mortem! We MUST get out of here, and FAST!!” she yelled, almost running straight into him as she went inside.
“Calm down Evalyn, we’ve barely been here for a month.” He said kind of coldly, as he looked at her through the skull. His facial expressions were always so hard to gage with the skull.
“I know, but you didn’t have a crossbow pointed at you.” She said, her voice shaking slightly. Mortem kind of half shrugged waiting a moment before speaking up,
“Right,
we’ll start packing.” He said with a sigh, Evalyn nodded with slight comfort,
and quickly went to her room, to start packing. Mortem reached out to grab her
and right as he did it suddenly went black.
BOOM
A sharp ringing tone drilled into Mortem’s head, as he opened his eyes, to a blurry mess of reds, yellows, and oranges. He panicked, feeling his fist gripping tight around something. Mortem started to crawl, but quickly realized he was stuck, his vision still being blurry. He looked around his room and then he did it, he called out for her.
“Evalyn!!! EVALYN!!” he started feeling the stinging of the colors around him. Mortem started shimmying out from underneath the rubble, as he got free, he scrambled out the door. He turned and stumbled back, falling, looking directly at the burning home he had built with Evalyn. He screamed. He cried. Not being able to hold himself up anymore.
He woke up the next morning, sun beams streaming through the skull. He gasped for air, almost like he hadn’t been breathing for his whole life. Tears started streaming down his face as he looked at the ashes of his home. He stood up, still shaking, still hearing the ringing tone that haunted him the night before. He looked at his hand, opening the fist he had been holding so tight, seeing a piece of fabric. It was hers. It was her dress. He walked into the rubble, where there once was a door. Mortem kicked around some ash, to see if he could find something, or someone. He searched through everything; it took multiple hours. Ending up empty handed. He wept for her, he yelled for her, he screamed for her. He abandoned this, for closure. He looked down noticing a book, ‘Native flowers of Yuojin’ he walked out, putting the piece of fabric in the book. He turned and looked, before continuing walking, limping a bit.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there, Nadja! Rebel here for a short review! :p
That was an interesting, fast-paced chapter there - it feels like a nice start to a fantasy novel. First off, the little its-and-bits of criticism I have for this otherwise fantastic chapter.
The phrase "reaching out his gloved hand to her" sounds a bit unnatural and awkward, perhaps a little less grammatically correct - I am not sure, however. I think, "with his gloved hand reaching out to her" would have been a better option.
I felt like the pacing faltered here a little, compared to the rest of the chapter. It was a bit too abrupt, as we had just been introduced to two characters and suddenly it just basically says "they did a lot of stuff". I think, a better alternative to this would be either informing the reader about the main characters (as I presume they are) by writing an extra couple of paragraphs or just a straight flash cut, omitting the couple of sentences before "About 10 years later". That's just my opinion, though, others might find it natural. It's your choice.
I am a bit confused here. Evalyn earlier asked Mortem about his mask, and a couple paragraphs later, Mortem was supposedly still wearing his skull? I am a little confused - is the mask and the skull supposed to be the same thing? Or, is it the skull from the first paragraph: "He had ended up running to the nearby town, slipping on the skull while he ran."? If yes, then why did he pick up the skull? You are probably gonna mention this in the next chapters, but if you were not gonna, please elaborate.
I wonder why exactly Mortem reached out to grab her, it would have been a little more understandable if a rundown of Mortem's thoughts and/or emotions at the moment were told - as no one just randomly grabs another person's dress. Also, I think it should be something in the lines of "quickly turned to go to her room", instead of what is written - as it makes it seem like Evalyn had already went to her room when Mortem grabbed her. It sounds even more strange if that is truly what you meant to say.
I think you meant "a couple of shops". Don't fret about it though, it happens to the best of us. Just try proofreading a bit more to eradicate these little omissions.
Anyway, enough of the criticism, now let's go ahead with the points that shone the brightest. I really like the symbolism of the names - Mortem and Evalyn. Mortem means "death" in Latin, so I sorta assumed that Evalyn meant "life" - but I was unsure in which language. A little Google search told me that it mean "Life" in Hebrew. And I assume the novel is about Mortem and Evalyn, so, Life and Death - quite a nice ring of symbolism there!
Also, I really loved the pacing of the chapter - it starts with a little scamper, then slows down into something akin to a daily life episode, then ramps up again at the end. And the twist at the end was unexpected, although you hinted at it in the chapter's name itself - "The ending of Life (Evalyn), the starting of Death (Mortem)". Although the setting is very typical of a fantasy world, it feels like a breath of fresh air - somehow.
Your usage of idioms and phrase, and descriptions overall are impeccable - they are exactly as much as one would need, neither more nor less. The personalities of the characters could be deducted just from their dialogues and interactions. The worldbuilding, although hinted at indirectly, could be inferred from the littlest of interactions, descriptions and dialogues. And a mysterious force hunting our protagonists is an interesting driver of the novel's plot - I expect great things from this!
All in all, it was a great read! Keep writing! :p
P.S.: This review was brought to you by Team Tortoise.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Mortem runs from his problems and meets a girl named Evalyn, who is an outcast, like him. Together, they go on a journey, but unfortunately, Evalyn doesn’t live very long…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that there could be dotted lines to break up the time skips, but if you think that the chapter is fine, then ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I love the part where Mortem takes the book of flowers and the piece of fabric with him, as it reminds him of Evalyn, the one person who was with him on his journey and who still loved him. Now that she’s gone, who knows what he will do?
Closing Graham Cracker - An exciting way to start off the story! I can’t wait to see more of Mortem’s adventures and how he may become a villain if people continue to wrong him…I enjoyed reading this.
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
That's very interesting, waiting for the new chapters cuz im captivated!