I can't do it, I can't move on

NaRachel wrote:Hey i originally wrote this as a song but i can't seem to make a melody that fits so i'm wondering what you think of it as a poem. Should i leave it as a poem, try and turn it into a song, or not bother at all?

He said to me comma to add flow?
tears in his eyes
Told me to leave
So I wouldn't see him cry
He struggled for words comma
So brokencomma so hurt
Then the words started flowing
He said he couldn't keep on going

First thing I noticed, where is the punctuation? Punctuation is needed as much as it is in actual writing, it also creates flow. Second thing, why do you capitalise every single line? I mean, I know it isn't a rule that you aren't supposed to, but it looks odd to me. In one part, you already said "He said to me" then you put "told me to leave" How about putting "He said to me, tears in his eyes, "Leave, so you won't see me cry." Of course, I don't exactly where you would break it, but I, personally, think that sounds better. The last line, I think you should put "He said, "I can't keep on going".

Your roots may have broken comma?
But don't let that stop you growing
Keep going

I think it would sound better if you put "but don't let that stop you from growin'. Keep goin'.

He said I can't do it, I can't move on
For I've been falling for so long\ I think it sounds better if you say "far too" instead of "for so"
Falling through the centre of the earth
To where everything hurts To where everything hurts? I don't understand that.
I'm down and i can't pick myself up
I'm down and i'm just not strong enough I think this line doesn't flow well enough in comparison to the previous one.
I can't do it, I can't move on

Let me help you, I'll hold your head high
So you can be proud and happy to be alive
Let yourself go now
Don't be afraid now
I'll put you back together
Even if it takes forever
Remember I'm, right by your side That comma seems to break the flow.

You can do it, You can move on
Though you've been falling for so long
Falling through the center of the earth
To where everything hurts
You're down but you can pick yourself up
You're down but you are strong enough
You can do it, You can move on

p.s sorry its a bit long

I think it was a good poem. If you want to turn it into a song, then turn it into a song! I encourage you to do whatever you want with the good poem.

I like your lyrics/poem. Just remember to capitalize your "I"'s when you write. I almost cried after I read this poem. Though I've never been in a relationship before, this is how I feel sometimes and I can relate to it. I just want to read this poem over and over again. It's so addicting. It'd make a really good song too if you ever come up with the melody. *Likes*
-Crescent

i like your poem and have a few friends that can relate to it. I have been put into the guys perspective in this poem. I have told people to leave so they don't see me cry after i have been hurt from a relationship. I think you did really good in explaining yourself in this poem. I get what you mean by "falling through the center of the earth" Every word after a relationship feels like it burns and carries you farther and farther down. I understand. Keep up the good writing!

This was very good. There were places where the rhymes might be a bit awkward - but if you write this as a song then it wouldn't matter, because you can twist words to match. I liked this a lot. The beginning sounded a bit cliche - a guy crying and hurting saying go on - but then you continued with [what I a sume is] the chorus, and it made more sense. I can actually picture a guy thinking that. I understand the narriater's point of view pretty much, the wish to help, but I don't think we hear enough of her reasons. Because, I'd just like to know, personally, while hearing a song, who is he to ehr, what does she feel about him - it would just help me feel more conected to the singer. Or writer, in case it's a poem. Still, very very good. Great going!
Ofir

I think if you rewrite this in song form then it would sound good.

Words are good.
I dont understand this line

Falling through the center of the earth