He trusts me

This is a bit of a sequel to "I miss him" but you don't have to have read that to understand this. If you have read the first part then you're probably hating me for slowly dragging out the information (mwa haha) Thanks for reading

He trusts me. Or at least he trusted me. But technically, as I have given him no reason to stop trusting me, he must still trust me. Right? Is trust strong enough to re-build a friendship? I know the answer already, but I’m not going to extinguish my own flame, no matter how pitifully it flickers. As much as I can try to deny it, it is hope that keeps it thriving- defeat for me is only a short-lived form of self-pity. Pity, really. That’s what this whole thing is, a pity. But as I remember what he told me I realise that what we had- if anything- was trust.

I don’t usually tell people this but I will to put things in perspective. Once I was in a relationship where…

Poor thing. Stupid me. I’d approached the situation with sympathy, telling him it wasn’t his fault. And he’d come up with the defensive one liner he always used “Its really not a big deal”. I wonder what he thinks of what has become of us. I don’t know about him but to me, it’s a very BIG deal. But luckily I’m big enough to wrap myself around it like an amoeba and engulf the whole thing so that the pain, which I’m slowly digesting, is only on the inside. Its not really pain anymore, I told him pain was temporary and I was right. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave marks. He wasn’t so clean of mark’s to begin with

that’s why I’m not as social as I used to be...

So what else can re-build a friendship? Understanding? He’s complicated, there are fragments of him scattered everywhere- bits that he’s forgotten or that he’s tossed aside; wanting to forget. And he always made me work to find them- only when he was that frustrated that he basically hated me would he explain, either that or he’d tell me to f#$ off but that’s besides the point. Persistency was my greatest downfall. I was so determined on my little quest, I couldn’t leave him alone to sit in the darkness and worry about him- I was selfish. But I’ve learnt my lesson; I promise I’m different now… please? I can beg all I want but no mixture of trust or understanding will form the glue to stick this mess back together. There are too many cracks, he was already damaged by the time I got there- all I did was add an extra chip, but for me it was my very first crack, the very first scar. And it runs across my whole-existence, out of my whole memory of this year there won’t be a part where the crack doesn’t run across and detract from the picture. So when you join cracks with cracks it doesn’t form a whole, the pieces don’t join together. Some people fill in each other’s cracks but I was never that person for him. I was so far away from that person that even friendship wasn’t a possibility. I could try to chisel down his imperfections but he would always resist- and besides, apart from in my dreams he never had the desire to help me.

So I guess I just wait.

Time will hopefully heal this- I have faith that time can heal almost anything. The dust will settle, the breeze will slowly blow it into the cracks that join us and fill them in. And then there’ll be a possible path I can take where I can walk on solid ground again. Hopefully he feels the same way, hopefully his hatred or anger or resent or whatever other confounded human emotion that he is feeling doesn’t cause him to keep re-digging the ruts so to keep me cut off forever. Then again hope is all I have to go by and it didn’t get me very far last time.