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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
It is a very good idea for a song though I think a few words might be repeated a bit too much. I know it might be for emphasis, but try to keep it in mind wether up really fits the beat. For instance, world/s seems to be repeated a bit and the ending of the rhymes seemed a bit repetitive. The song is beautiful, just needs a bit of work!
Hey! Where's a second or third verse? It's not really a chorus if it's not repeated and broken up by verses, and I do agree with niteowl that it's really long for a catchy chorus. Apart from format, I do like the intention behind these lyrics. I think it's a really intense place in people's lives and this change -- from getting lost in childhood to trying to claw out and get settled as a "responsible adult" -- needs to be documented, so that you're trying is completely admirable. I'd clap for you but you wouldn't hear it!
The problem is in the delivery. It's very explanatory. It's very I-centric. Keeping a song I-centric locks out a LOT of the audience you could be singing to. Think about it. A song about YOU means millions of people are just listening to a song about another person. But a song about an outside/vague person or about a situation means that these millions of people can more easily identify with the situation, really feel like the song was written for them, not about the singer, right? I'd advise trying to write this again without the word 'I'. I'm not saying you can't use it at all in the final draft, but what topics do you find coming to mind when you can't use the word 'I'? How do you say things then?
Lastly, I want to say I like the idea you talk about where this person has grown out of childhood, and knows it, but when he/she closes her eyes and no one else can police it, they are still back in that fantasy. That'd be something to pay attention to.
If you have any questions, leave me a PM or a message on my wall, okay? I don't get notifications about replies to reviews in the thread.
Good luck~
Hi Rachel! I think you have some good ideas here, but the organization and some word choice could be improved. I liked the first verse except for the first line (it doesn't say much to me and feels like over-repetition of the worlds/words sound).
The chorus was more confusing to me, as well as being too long. The first thing that struck me is...who are you writing asking how to live? I think I get that you're reaching out, asking for help, etc., but this bit just seems so odd that it would throw your listener off. The next couplet seems trite and it's only in there to rhyme with "live".
The line "Making choices based on personal opinion of what's right " feels excessively long than your other lines and sounds like it would be hard to sing. I'd probably change it to "...based on what I think is right" or something like that.
The rest of it isn't bad, but doesn't feel like a part of the chorus. The shorter lines make me think that it belongs with a bridge, where the key or tune changes. I really like your last line.
I think you have a good core idea here, but the song as it stands needs cleaning up. A shorter chorus is key, since that's what your audience will remember. A second verse wouldn't hurt either. Good job, happy revising, Happy New Year, and keep writing!