Flutter

by NaRachel
  • February 12, 2012
  • Poetry
  • Romantic · Lyrical
  • Poems :)
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Tremble, quiver
Hearts that flutter
Like a bird held in my hand
When trapped inside 
It cannot fly
Wing-beat loses command
Life is but a breath
that sits next to me on the train
But what makes breath flit
With this person, what makes me refrain?
A bird will use its wings to fly 
Its brain to help the body think
So why have these teetering
emotions will not help us to blink
Eyelashes gaurd the eyes when asleep
But then opens them to the soul
The bird gives in, lays still, awaits release
As the pain finally takes its toll
Comments & reviews · 1
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MorningStar
Review
MorningStar wrote a review · Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:29 am

Your rhyme scheme is weird. Your poem gets thrown off by it. It isn't fluid at all. Maybe go back and try to give it a definite rhyme scheme instead of this odd sporadic one it has. I'm also not sure where you're going with it. The part about the eyes seems a little arbitrary, as if you just wanted a quick rhyme.

I really liked the imagery, though. You did really well using words to symbolize the beating of the wings, or so that's how I saw it. It reminded me a lot of a humming bird. I think a really quick type of rhyme may go well with your awesome imagery.



Sea and Sky- both blue. Once, in proposal, Sea turned red. Sky's father- Sun forbade so she wept as rain, uniting the lovers in defiance.
— AlexWrites