Set me up,and I woke up with the sun on my face
The blue of the sky's on my gaze
I feel I could radiate this joy within me to you
The bounce on my gait rhymes the drums in my heart
Crystal morning dew leeches on my feet as I pass by
And I open my arms wide to welcome the brightness of the day
The richness of my laughter tells it all
Maybe the Magnet touched me..maybe not
Did...did not...
Well,I'm not sure...
Whatever it is, I like it
Brought me a smile to my face,new hopes at my gate
The Lord's grace,no doubt,felt the tug in my heart
The desperate drag of my feet....
I feel good again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Harsh it may be but well said.Thank you.
Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for today, my first thoughts as I read this was this tries too hard. But I shall explain that in the review, I shall warn you now I'm harsh -- but it's only improve you and not meant as a personal attack. Now we've got that out the way we may begin.
This is bland it tries to give us some decent imagery but really it's much the muchness, it's a feel-good anthem that doesn't achieve it's goal. It just comes across as dull and boring. Worse still the imagery seems overused and tawdry it doesn't feel like a unique piece or a piece with heart. It seems more like a piece that was written by someone like a Pop Star. The genericness rings deafingly. I'm stuck wondering why, you've got the imagery you've got the idea, but you don't have the emotional investment. It seems more like a guide of how to use every happy cliché in the span of one stanza.
The second issue you abuse punctuation brutally. The poor thing can't defend itself. I'm no Grammar Nazi but even I know when you've got too much of it. Ellipsis should be used sparingly, not thrown into this blender of joy and scattered about haphazardly. I'm not going to go on this topic too much, leave it to experts, but if I can see it, it's bad.
Overall: A poem about Joy should radiate joy, instead I feel apathetic, and I'm not a cynical person, I'm optimistic, so you know you have an issue when you cause that. My suggestion is try use less clichés and really try and capture beauty of situation, put all your emotions into it, drain them into this piece. Give it full emotional investment.
Hope this helps.
Thanks for the review.I'll work on the punctuation.Magnet was capitalized because as I see it it's something containing a certain power.If it could make me feel that way,why not capitalize it?Thanks again.
Hey, I really liked this. A few things, though...is Magnet supposed to be capatalized? And I think you could use some more punctuation (except in the first line, I'd suggest taking out that comma). I like the way you use words and you have a good sense of flow. This was very enjoyable (sorry, that was cheesey). Keep writing!