Published September 20, 2010
It was a day when something died,
Something so dear in my heart,
I really tried to fight so hard,
But couldn’t help… it disappeared…
It was a day when I grew up,
Though in my heart I’m still a child.
The pain I felt was sharp enough
To kill my soul. But I survived.
Now I can say that it was LOVE
That died the day that I grew up
Love not for man or Lord above,
No, it was love for human heart.
It happened when I was still four.
I tried to kiss my mom before
Going to sleep. She pushed away my little soul
I don’t believe in love no more…
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Some people aren't at agreement with these rhymes, but I actually love them. They have a nice flow to them. They give more character.
All in all, beautiful, meaningful, emotional, and thank you (:
First I have to say that I loved (*likes*) this. It really touched me how even the smallest kid's hearts are hardened, but anyway I will get down to the actual review.
I actually like your rhyming scheme. The first time I read it I didn't even realize what you were doing. This makes it all the better because with they rhyming you were making the rhythm way better, but not too noticeably. I can't find any real problems.
Hope I helped at least a little,
A. S.
Odd rhyming aside, this flowed quite well. In fact, I didn't notice the odd rhyme scheme until I looked this over more closely, and you did a good job with separating the different patterns by stanza.
That said, this poem struck me as very vague in the beginning. While I realize you wanted a reveal in the second half, referring to love as "something" is far too nonspecific, and it really didn't work to hold my attention. Rather than intrigue me, it almost turned me away.
I suggest cutting the first two stanzas entirely. Right now, they're just fluff that detracts from the second, much stronger, half of the poem. You could modify the first two lines of the third stanza to start off with something like "Though in my heart I am still a child, / Love died the day that I grew up." A beginning like that is more powerful and attention-grabbing than lines about a vague "something".
I think that if you are going to rhyme some lines, you should go ahead and rhyme them all. At least, I'm not a big fan of random rhyming. It would work just as well not rhyming at all.
Now that I got my critique out of the way, I will say that this poem made me super sad :( And I don't know if I'm being too nosy here, but I wanted to ask if this is a true personal story, or based on one, or based on someone you know, or just manufactured? Like I said, I don't mean to be nosy, but as a reader (and a human being) it makes a big difference to me.
Anyways, pretty nice poem :)