Teal waves break against the sand
White froth turns to gold
Bringing treasures of a foreign land
And places never told
Surrender to its pull and find
Its deceptive peace is left behind
The teal becomes abysmal blue
And gold becomes an inky black
The wild shows its true face
Or shows none at all
Upon seeing this grandeur
The other world seems so small
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
129,638 Literary Works • 671,509 Reviews
Hi NBMowery,have a good day!Welcome to YWS
Anyway,here is Dark to give review on your beautiful poem!
Although the title looks very scary when it speaks of abyss, but I found this the beauty through this poem.
I like the diction you use here.Very amazing and well-written poem.the 'Beauty' gone after the next lines. I feel like just startled from a dream!Well done
# Its deceptive peace is left behind
The teal becomes abysmal blue
And gold becomes an inky black-->the simile work here thus bring impact to the readers.
The wild shows its true face-->I started to wonder and curious,'how is it turn to?'
Or shows none at all-->this line actually a bit odd.Abstract word maybe look nice but it need a concrete word here. Give the reader something to imagine instead of none at all!
Upon seeing this grandeur
The other world seems so small
The ending is good,but buddy,I think you need a punctuation to make your poem flow smoothly and more interesting to read!Keep it up,well done
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
Squire Yubbies bestows this review upon you in the quest for Knighthood!
While I love this poem, I don't understand the title? Why "Abyss?" It doesn't talk about the deepness of the waves, only their colors. I'f I were you, I would change it to something that shows more about the poem, more about what you're feeling.
The description is fabulous! I love how you show the color changing and shifting. Teal is such a pretty color, I could picture exactly what you were saying in this poem! I didn't understand the final four lines. I sense a deep message, but can't decipher it. Perhaps explain it in more detail.
I didn't know it this is what you were trying for, but I felt the moving of the tides in this line, excellent job:
The rhyming doesn't seem forced and the rhythm is slow and dreamy, perfect.
I really liked this poem because I could see exactly what I was reading! Congratulations! I hope to review more of your work soon!
-yubbies21
Could I get this removed please?
Squire Yubbies bestows this review upon you in the quest for Knighthood!
While I love this poem, I don't understand the title? Why "Abyss?" It doesn't talk about the deepness of the waves, only their colors. I'f I were you, I would change it to something that shows more about the poem, more about what you're feeling.
The description is fabulous! I love how you show the color changing and shifting. Teal is such a pretty color, I could picture exactly what you were saying in this poem! I didn't understand the final four lines. I sense a deep message, but can't decipher it. Perhaps explain it in more detail.
I didn't know it this is what you were trying for, but I felt the moving of the tides in this line, excellent job:
The rhyming doesn't seem forced and the rhythm is slow and dreamy, perfect.
I really liked this poem because I could see exactly what I was reading! Congratulations! I hope to review more of your work soon!
-yubbies21
What is abysmal? Why Abyss?
It's a lovely poem, a little deep. In a way showing your outlook on the worlds dimining beauty. Is that why you wrote this?
I like the descriptions, I felt as though I were on the beach. What do you mean by the winds true face?
This poem is so beautifully written with such vivid imagery that it made me want to go to a beach immediately, well done! I would say that you might consider splitting the poem into a few stanzas, maybe three stanzas each with four lines? It would go well with the partial rhyme scheme, at least.
Talking about the rhyme scheme, I've noticed a couple lines that rhymes with each other, but fewer towards the middle and the end--maybe you can consider adding ones so that it'll flow every better? Your word choices are amazing, and I really like the multiple colors that you've mentioned in the poem. (Also the personification of the waves is a cool element of your poem, too.)
First of all, why did you name this poem "The Abyss"? An abyss is a really black dark place in the middle of the ocean. The title doesn't fit what the poem is about at all.
I like your description, but you had a formatting error. press shift-enter to drop down one line instead of two. My favorite line was "White froth turns to gold".
I understand now why you named the poem the Abyss, but I wish you would've made the transition from the beautiful beach to the abyss more... obvious. It took me a minute to understand what was happening in the poem.
The last thing I have to criticize is your rhyme scheme. Meaning; there is none. YOu have ABAB rhyme scheme at first and then it changes to AA and then there is no rhyming for the rest of the poem until line 9 which rhymes with line 11. You need to either rhyme consistently, or none at all. Poems DO NOT have to rhyme.
Again, I loved your descriptions and the adjectives you used were beautiful. But there are things you could do to this poem to improve it. Keep writing, and I hope to see more of your poetry