My Hearts Divide
By: Nureni Adesola
My hearts divide
In to two
I miss them so much
It makes me blue
They love to giggle
And have lots of fun
When I hug them they wiggle
And run to the sun
They love to play in dirt
And love to play in sand
Until I run them inside
To go wash their hands
Their bedtime is kinda early
So I put them to bed with a story
While their sleeping I begin to pray
That my little brothers will be okay
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First, I've got to say, this is a cute little poem and it was bubbly, and easy to read. I liked it, and the things I have to say are just nit-picks that I've found to nit-pick. (...? I'd like to look up to origin to that phrase...)
Okay, so first I've got to point out that you begin with "my hearts." That implies, actually quite frankly says that you've got more than one heart. I do hope that you only have one, or you're a medical miracle, or a conjoined twin, or... I could go on. But what I'm saying is that you've probably only got one heart and therefore should only say, "My heart."
Then, you say how you miss your brothers, but then you go on explaining about how you do things with them, in the present tense, which gives the idea that they're not gone, like you've implied earlier, but right there playing in sand and whatnot. Make it past tense so that the reader gets the idea that you're having a flashback or something, or take out the part about missing them, or changing that to "when they're gone" or something. Otherwise, it gets real confusing.
This isn't really anything important, but it's just something I noticed. You know those little picture books? Some of the poems in those books are, there are no ways to say this politer, not so great. With this poem, I'm sure you could make an excellent little picture book, illustrated and all. That would be really nice. Yeah, it really would. You could publish this poem as a picture book.
That's all I've got. This was a really sweet poem and I loved the whole concept. Great job.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody