Hey there, and Happy Reciew Day from team Punpkin Pie Orange!
I've got a few thoughts on this opening chapter, so let's hop in.
1. I actually love your opening paragraph. It kind of drags on and keeps going, and while in some cases that causes problems, it fit perfect and helped to amplify the anxiety of the MC as she keeps thinking the hallway (paragraph) shpuld be over and keeps going on.
2. I would have liked more time while she waited for her mom to see her interact with Sarah and her parents. I got the sense that maybe they weren't actually making fun of her and it was just her paranoia and anxiety, but it goes by so fast that it's hard to tell.
3. On that note I would have like a little more about Sarah. Why are they friends? Why has she never been over before? She doesn't seem like a rich girl so why does Roch Sarah care to be her friend?
4. I would highly recommend downloading Grammarly. You can get it for free with an email sign up. There are several missing commas and periods, especially at the end with the dialogue, and Grammarly will easily point those out to help you edit some of the basic stuff. I'm not great at grammar and find it very useful for my first edits.
On the subject of editing: when they get home the tense starts jumping between present and past tense. Take a look at that and see which tense you'd like to roll with. Grammarly won't find that so you'll have to go line by line to make sure it's the same tense.
5. There's so good questions that arise right at the end. What happened to her dad? Why don't her and her mother get along? It seems that they could bond over the loss together, but there's clearly tension and strife. It also seems as if the voices were around before her dad died, so what are they from? All good hooks. As Ariah said, the chapter felt a bit rushed. I would take some time to flesh out the setting a tad more. Hope this helps!
~Messy
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