z

Young Writers Society


12+

Voices - Chapter 1

by N0tAFurry


TW: This story talks about hallucinations if you get triggered by that then I would not recommend reading :)

As I walked down the hallway I heard what sounded like hundreds of voices. Almost all of them told me to turn back, but some of them told me to keep going. I knew they were all in my head, I heard those voices all the time, but they got louder when I was scared and at that moment I was scared. The hallways seemed to go on forever, my anxiety heightened, and my paranoia increased. The senseless voices came with it. My mind spun, the voices got louder and louder the more I walked. I was almost there, almost to the living room. After taking a few more steps the voices got even louder; why was her hallway so long? I saw the living room door and walked into it, my fear went away and the voices quieted, but the voices were still there, whispering to me making sure I knew they would never cease.

“Hey Molly, What took you so long?” My best friend, Sarah teased.

“Your hallway is so long, I'm not used to it,” I answered.

I saw her mom and dad laughing, I wish I knew she lived in a mansion before going to her house, I also wished I had known beforehand that her parents were so cruel. Since the moment I got there, they had been laughing at me about everything, nitpicking every little thing I did.

“Your mom will be here in five minutes,” her dad said still chuckling to himself..

“Okay,” I muttered.

I already had my bag on, my mom had called 20 minutes ago, I sat on the couch and waited, her whole family was talking about me. About the way I looked, the way I dress, the way I spoke, pretty much everything.

Five minutes later my mom arrived. I didn’t even say goodbye to Sarah, I just left. My mom smiled and waved as I walked up to the car.

When I got in the car, my mom saw the look on my sour face.

“What's wrong?” she asked as I got in the seat beside her.

“Nothing” I whispered.

“Okay,” She said with worry as she was backing out of the driveway.

The whole car ride home I was quiet, yet again I'm always quiet around my mom. There is just nothing to say to her.

When we got home I went to my room and flew onto my bed, my room was quiet which made the voices seem louder. I’ve never known whether I hate the voices or not, the voices being there always comforted me, maybe it's because the voices are the only things that actually make sense to me.

I hear a knock on my bedroom door, I get up and open the door, to see my mom

“Food is ready,” she said

“Okay,” I said quietly

I walk down the steps with her, I’m about to put my food in a bowl and eat it upstairs when I notice that the table is set with fancy tableware.

“Why did you set the table? ” I ask my mom

“For me and you of course,” My mom replies

“We haven’t sat at the table ever since-” I can’t finish my sentence because I can’t hurt mom

“I know,” she muttered

We sat at the table and ate quietly, it was awkward. Ever since Dad died being in the same room with Mom is awkward. Back when Dad was alive talking to Mom was easier. We used to hang out all the time and chat, just the three of us; with no voices.


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667 Reviews


Points: 10927
Reviews: 667

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Sat Oct 28, 2023 3:17 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Hey there, and Happy Reciew Day from team Punpkin Pie Orange!

I've got a few thoughts on this opening chapter, so let's hop in.

1. I actually love your opening paragraph. It kind of drags on and keeps going, and while in some cases that causes problems, it fit perfect and helped to amplify the anxiety of the MC as she keeps thinking the hallway (paragraph) shpuld be over and keeps going on.

2. I would have liked more time while she waited for her mom to see her interact with Sarah and her parents. I got the sense that maybe they weren't actually making fun of her and it was just her paranoia and anxiety, but it goes by so fast that it's hard to tell.

3. On that note I would have like a little more about Sarah. Why are they friends? Why has she never been over before? She doesn't seem like a rich girl so why does Roch Sarah care to be her friend?

4. I would highly recommend downloading Grammarly. You can get it for free with an email sign up. There are several missing commas and periods, especially at the end with the dialogue, and Grammarly will easily point those out to help you edit some of the basic stuff. I'm not great at grammar and find it very useful for my first edits.
On the subject of editing: when they get home the tense starts jumping between present and past tense. Take a look at that and see which tense you'd like to roll with. Grammarly won't find that so you'll have to go line by line to make sure it's the same tense.

5. There's so good questions that arise right at the end. What happened to her dad? Why don't her and her mother get along? It seems that they could bond over the loss together, but there's clearly tension and strife. It also seems as if the voices were around before her dad died, so what are they from? All good hooks. As Ariah said, the chapter felt a bit rushed. I would take some time to flesh out the setting a tad more. Hope this helps!

~Messy




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Reviews: 115

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Thu Oct 26, 2023 3:27 pm
Ley wrote a review...



Hello! Thank you for sharing this chapter!

Overall, you drew me in just with the description of this novel, I'm automatically interested on why this girl is hallucinating. The first paragraph is perfect, leaving the reader to really understand and feel what she feels when she starts to hallucinate.

Maybe you could've added a prologue, a flashback to when her father died, and when the hallucinations started, but if that's not your intention and you're to explain it in another chapter, that's fine too!

I also feel like this chapter was a little rushed, I would've liked to learn more about her and her best friend's relationship.

The ending was good, leaving us to wonder why her mother is all of a sudden setting the table. Is she seeing someone new? It left me to wonder if she'd moved on or wanted things to be back to normal. I couldn't find any major grammar mistakes, either!

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter :)

With Love,
Leya





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