Sari: This is the old thread and the old post which you didn't need to critique. Most of the changes were already made in the new version:
viewtopic.php?t=13338&highlight=
Any further comments should be made on the above thread.
Sari: This is the old thread and the old post which you didn't need to critique. Most of the changes were already made in the new version:
viewtopic.php?t=13338&highlight=
Any further comments should be made on the above thread.
Okay, so I’m finally here xD Sorry it took me so long, but I was a little short wit time lately. Currently sick, so theoretically I have time.
Quote:
Brenna Tandy had changed over the years.
I think you added ‘had’ here, right? Or not? Because if you did, the everything OK with my sanity. -Half of the last week I brooded on: “God, tell her to add the ‘had’ or not?
An afterthought: Heh, you might have already had that. But never mind, I see plotting everywhere these days. Seriously, the bus stop is getting longer everyday. Creepy…
Quote:
She now locked herself in her room, seeking solitude by painting pictures and listening to music‘Would’, up there? Or maybe its just to many grammar lessons at school ^_^
Quote:
Brenna had dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.
Comma after ‘presently’?
Quote:
She had then ran her fingers through the newly dyed hair and wondered whether her parents would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she herself had never seen any and a merrow had assured her too.
Assured her of what? Suggestion: (…) assured her that none existed, too.” Suggestion, partly cause the word repeating I am aware of, lol.
Quote:
But when he noticed the four piercing on each ear, he had reason to be angry—hair could be dyed back while holes took time to close up.
Comma before ‘while’?
Quote:
Mercifully, he had asked for the revolting things to be removed and when Brenna disobeyed he stopped her pocket money.
Is it just me, because I don’t really get the usage of ‘mercifully’ up there? (Weird sentence there, I know ^_^) Comma before ‘he’.
Quote:
Her mother always bought her clothes, Brenna would take these back to the shops and use the money for her own choice of outfits.
The link from one part of the sentence to the other is not really clear. Add ‘and’ or ‘but’ or something. Or rephrase it? -Suggestion here, though.
Quote:
some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her precious work.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
At school others had invited her to study groups, once exams were over she had been spat out, unwanted.
Not really a clear sentence. Consider rephrasing it?
Quote:
Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.
Consider placing ‘lightly’ somewhere else?\
Quote:
She joined in, knowing, from memory, every note.
So many commas needed?
Quote:
Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could and it was a drug that always uplifted her spirit.
Comma after ‘won’. Add ‘because‘?
Quote:
Music is my soul.
Because of the ‘my’, I suggest you put this in italics
Quote:
her friend’s belongings were gone, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.
This part a separate sentence?
Quote:
Brenna focused, searching through the house, from within her mind, for the source of the sound.
Too much commas, I think… Last to needed?
Quote:
She had expected to see the intruder in her head but figured a concealing spell was in use—she would have to meet the creature personally.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
I kind of don’t like these two short sentences next to each other. But lol, I think I am galloping too far now ^_^
Quote:
expect for merrows who generally were friendly towards her, Brenna had no idea as to why they liked her.
The last part a separate sentence or something?
Quote:
Now come here where I can see you.”
Comma after ‘now’
Quote:
It was meant to be the other way around but she was hesitant to give orders.
Comma before ‘but’
Quote:
You look different but you’re the same girl.
Comma before ;but’? O_o Okay, I’m becoming unsure now…
Quote:
it knew her name and, she supposed, it knew about Fred vanishing.
Did I miss something (kind of sick, as I said), but how and why should it now about Fred?
Quote:
She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for?
Two sentences?
Quote:
Gone out. Back soon.
Brenna
Make this stick out more, perhaps italics?
Quote:
“Go, create new memories,” Uh, maybe you should say who said that. As in, I know, but…
Quote:
Recalling all the adventures they had taken up, the trees they had climbed and the ship, now broken, where they were pirates.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if the trees where recalling.
Quote:
The boys tore after her, Brenna cursed but she was good at running—an oath she had fulfilled.
Don’t really get this sentence. A bit unclear.
Quote:
Once it had been quite pleasant to walk through, it only appalled Brenna these days.
Being instead ‘it had been’?
Quote:
He was converting it into a city home but had not yet ordered for the construction to begin—he was rather put off by voices he had heard whilst visiting the site. Posters, warning trespassers of prosecution, were taped on tree trunks and also were scattered all along the road.
Since it had not begun, maybe the businessman ‘wanted to convert (…)? Second sentence: ‘also’ needed?
Quote:
The wood behind the transparent curtain was streaming with green light—it was daytime there too
Comma before ‘too’?
QuoteL
Her tap formed waves to cross the velvety wood scene, she was fascinated and it was as though Brenna was watching from the surface of a richly clear pool.
Rephrase this sentence?
Okay, so this part is done. I’ll write of the characters etc. when I catch up with what you posted on YWS, ok?
-elein
Okay, so I’m finally here xD Sorry it took me so long, but I was a little short wit time lately. Currently sick, so theoretically I have time.
Quote:
Brenna Tandy had changed over the years.
I think you added ‘had’ here, right? Or not? Because if you did, the everything OK with my sanity. -Half of the last week I brooded on: “God, tell her to add the ‘had’ or not?
An afterthought: Heh, you might have already had that. But never mind, I see plotting everywhere these days. Seriously, the bus stop is getting longer everyday. Creepy…
Quote:
She now locked herself in her room, seeking solitude by painting pictures and listening to music
‘Would’, up there? Or maybe its just to many grammar lessons at school ^_^
Quote:
Brenna had dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.
Comma after ‘presently’?
Quote:
She had then ran her fingers through the newly dyed hair and wondered whether her parents would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she herself had never seen any and a merrow had assured her too.
Assured her of what? Suggestion: (…) assured her that none existed, too.” Suggestion, partly cause the word repeating I am aware of, lol.
Quote:
But when he noticed the four piercing on each ear, he had reason to be angry—hair could be dyed back while holes took time to close up.
Comma before ‘while’?
Quote:
Mercifully, he had asked for the revolting things to be removed and when Brenna disobeyed he stopped her pocket money.
Is it just me, because I don’t really get the usage of ‘mercifully’ up there? (Weird sentence there, I know ^_^) Comma before ‘he’.
Quote:
Her mother always bought her clothes, Brenna would take these back to the shops and use the money for her own choice of outfits.
The link from one part of the sentence to the other is not really clear. Add ‘and’ or ‘but’ or something. Or rephrase it? -Suggestion here, though.
Quote:
some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her precious work.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
At school others had invited her to study groups, once exams were over she had been spat out, unwanted.
Not really a clear sentence. Consider rephrasing it?
Quote:
Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.
Consider placing ‘lightly’ somewhere else?\
Quote:
She joined in, knowing, from memory, every note.
So many commas needed?
Quote:
Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could and it was a drug that always uplifted her spirit.
Comma after ‘won’. Add ‘because‘?
Quote:
Music is my soul.
Because of the ‘my’, I suggest you put this in italics
Quote:
her friend’s belongings were gone, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.
This part a separate sentence?
Quote:
Brenna focused, searching through the house, from within her mind, for the source of the sound.
Too much commas, I think… Last to needed?
Quote:
She had expected to see the intruder in her head but figured a concealing spell was in use—she would have to meet the creature personally.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
I kind of don’t like these two short sentences next to each other. But lol, I think I am galloping too far now ^_^
Quote:
expect for merrows who generally were friendly towards her, Brenna had no idea as to why they liked her.
The last part a separate sentence or something?
Quote:
Now come here where I can see you.”
Comma after ‘now’
Quote:
It was meant to be the other way around but she was hesitant to give orders.
Comma before ‘but’
Quote:
You look different but you’re the same girl.
Comma before ;but’? O_o Okay, I’m becoming unsure now…
Quote:
it knew her name and, she supposed, it knew about Fred vanishing.
Did I miss something (kind of sick, as I said), but how and why should it now about Fred?
Quote:
She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for?
Two sentences?
Quote:
Gone out. Back soon.
Brenna
Make this stick out more, perhaps italics?
Quote:
“Go, create new memories,”
Uh, maybe you should say who said that. As in, I know, but…
Quote:
Recalling all the adventures they had taken up, the trees they had climbed and the ship, now broken, where they were pirates.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if the trees where recalling.
Quote:
The boys tore after her, Brenna cursed but she was good at running—an oath she had fulfilled.
Don’t really get this sentence. A bit unclear.
Quote:
Once it had been quite pleasant to walk through, it only appalled Brenna these days.
Being instead ‘it had been’?
Quote:
He was converting it into a city home but had not yet ordered for the construction to begin—he was rather put off by voices he had heard whilst visiting the site. Posters, warning trespassers of prosecution, were taped on tree trunks and also were scattered all along the road.
Since it had not begun, maybe the businessman ‘wanted to convert (…)? Second sentence: ‘also’ needed?
Quote:
The wood behind the transparent curtain was streaming with green light—it was daytime there too
Comma before ‘too’?
QuoteL
Her tap formed waves to cross the velvety wood scene, she was fascinated and it was as though Brenna was watching from the surface of a richly clear pool.
Rephrase this sentence?
Okay, so this part is done. I’ll write of the characters etc. when I catch up with what you posted on YWS, ok?
-elein
Shafter: Yay! My 'twin' who has picked up things I've disregarded. Thank you for spending time to look over the prologue, as I've said in my PM you can look over C1 or wait for next weeks update. *gives cookies*
Qamar: Hello, thanks for reading. Lovely to know people are reading my work.
I'm sorry, but I didn't find anything in the prologue or the chapter. It was great!
Hey, Myth!
Well, it took me an Age and a Day to get this crit to you, but here's the crit of the prologue!
There was nothing strange about two children walking down a road. Behind them were the tops of trees and few chimneys, in the far distant was a clock tower—it struck twice to denote the time—and the air was warm and rich with the fragrance of honeysuckle and freshly cut grass.
At eleven she was taller than most girls of her age.
Brenna was contemplating over the last few days. Her parents had arranged for her to spend the coming summer holiday with cousins living in France but she was not very fond of the idea—Brenna’s cousins were very distant and had never seen her before.
Fred, a step ahead with hands in pockets, was whistling and his eyes followed the faint cracks on the road.
“This is so strange,” she said. “I’ve never seen this happen before.”
What happened next was much stranger than anything either had seen, the bees turned into dust particles and were picked up by a wind and all traces of their existence vanished.
Along the lane, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with branches extending upwards and outwards.
Along the lane, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with branches extending upwards and outwards. Rust coloured leaves fell swiftly and turned to grey ash when settling on the ground. The familiar bushes and oak trees were disappearing, as if Time was pushing itself forward, to be replaced by a dead meadow—wild and festooned with burnt bushes and wilting flowers. A tree rose above their heads, creaking from a non-existent breeze and swished its branches, creating a whispering sound.
Their surrounding was no longer recognisable. Brenna and Fred stared at one another, uncertain whether to be shocked or marvelled or any emotion at all. How could a place change so quickly without having an effect on them?
First to recover was Brenna. She had always been aware of unusual goings-on, though elucidations behind this bizarre power were never revealed to her—some would have called it a psychic ability. Fred looked to her for an explanation.
“What do you think of this? Is it, you know, your ‘magic’?”
“I’m not doing anything. I just see things, not make them happen.”
A bell often rang in Brenna’s mind when danger was approaching but at that moment there was only silence.
“Let’s go,” she said furiously.
It was suddenly very chilly. Though the sun was shining and the temperature was rising, she felt the cold creeping up behind her. The aura of the place was filled with a turbulence of pain and suffering and, looking around desperately, Brenna could see no way to leave—the road appeared to go on forever in both directions.
She screamed as something touched the back of her neck.
Fred ignored her discomfort—he was taken up by the trees to notice her glare angrily at him.
“I know you don’t believe me but I’ll show you. Just because you happen to have magical powers and all that, doesn’t mean I can’t go on an adventure.”
With that he ran off up the road, his wild hair waving and Brenna groaned—she would regret following after him.
One day. Brenna, you may need to run like the wind, she told herself.
It veered to the right and left until it was a path snaking between the contorted trees.
“Hurry for what exactly?” Brenna mumbled to herself.
A stray branch tapped the curtain, the slow ripples spreading across the delicate fabric gripped Fred.
“Its so ...” he broke off.
Nothing could be made out but Brenna sensed life there.
Rain slithered down their necks and they held hands.
“Hello!” Fred waved. Brenna clasped a hand over his mouth, however it was too late for the glow was immediately doused.
“Look what you’ve done!” Brenna hissed. “Now we’re in for it!”
Try to hiss that sentence. There’s not even an S in it! It’s impossible to hiss! *Goes off on a five-minute monologue about how you can’t hiss sentences*Brenna screamed and stumbled backwards, she still had her hand on Fred’s mouth and he fell on her, his elbow made contact with her cheek.
“Get off me, Fred!” she said and smartened her bruise.
The mud and leaves were softening as rivulets formed and the children slipped.
A creature emerged from the pulsating curtain. It was obviously the leader, a silver emblem of a crown was painted on its chest, and was protected from the rain by a self-projected shield—it fizzed white each time the rain pattered on the glossy orb.
Getting to their feet the children turned on their heels.
Up ahead the trees blocked the way. Brenna had forgotten about them and, thinking quickly, said,
“Climb the trees!”
The tree bent back and forth, dipped low like a catapult and then spun around. It collided with other trees and, like skittles, they piled together.
Having been distracted by the trees, the goblin, for that was the creature’s specie, sneered. The purple, vapoury powder was deployed once more.
As soon as Brenna managed to untangle herself from a prodding root, she shrieked. The coloured mist darted towards her and danced, like a swarm of glittering bees, around her. She lashed out but it was too late, the magic was really strong. Brenna’s knees gave way and she collapsed, she was tired and her vision doubled. It was an effort to keep her eyes open and the bell rang on in her head until she heard nothing, not even the words said to her by the goblin.
“We won’t be seeing you again.”
The One and Only Imp: *bows* I'm afraid I got confused with all my chapters so I've had to rewrite a few so it will probably be some time before I update.
Being compared to Wynne Jones is - just "Wow!", as you already know I love her work 
(though I didn't realise it was anything like her work, entirely based on my own life).
I'll get on to the imp soon, he's a lot trickier than I hoped.
I hope I'm not trespassing impertinently on story-territory left to the edge or buried.
But Myth, this is lovely. Your fantasy is tangibly real and commonplace, intermingled with the ordinary only to be stunning when it really shows itself. Brenna's excellent, and the beginning, for its slow-paced everyday appearance, is not merely an apt contrast but a deft entry into a strange world and way of letting reader familiarise themselves with the characters.
There's something in the family relations and some of the incongruity that reminds me of Diana Wynne Jones - but not as if you'd taken leaves of her stories and pasted them in. 'Tis all Myth here (double-entendre intended ^_~).
Some of the imp's exchange seemed least smooth. But I'll have to come back to it to be specific, when I have closer to an hour rather than five minutes. ^_^
I hope you're published, and soon - the English language will be bereft without your imagination and stories.
IMP
Sureal: Okay, glad Fred's actions were 'realistic', had a bit of trouble with that. That you for pointing out the errors, they'll be fixed once I'm ... not so lazy.
The pace of the story is quite fast, I hate dragging things but I'll take another look at slowing it a notch and I'm especially happy you were able to 'imagine' this for yourself.
Thanks!
Hello Myth ^_^. Just a quick crit of The Beginning,
‘Behind them were the tops of trees and few chimneys, in the far distant was a clock tower’
- The comment about chimneys feel awkward. I’m thinking it could maybe do with an ‘a’ in there (‘Behind them were the tops of trees and a few chimneys,’).
- ‘distance’ = ‘distance’.
‘What happened next was much stranger than anything either had seen,’
- Maybe it’s just me… but I don’t like this. I don’t think you really need to tell us something is strange before it happens. Just telling us it happens is enough. It’s kind of like saying, ‘he was about to throw the ball. He threw the ball.’
- If you want to say it’s strange, then I think it would be best to say so after it’s happened.
‘for that was the creature’s specie,’
- ‘specie’ = ‘species’.
All in all - I loved this. Although, I’m a sucker for stories such as this (and I have to admit, Fred acted in much the same way I would have). What I love the most about your story is that it produces pictures - as I read through this, I get flashes of images (something few stories on YWS have succeeded in doing).
However, this does feel a touched rushed (pacing-wise). Although this really depends on how long the full story is going to be - if it’s 50,000 words or less, then I’d say it’s a fair enough pace. If it’s more than that, I can’t help but feel that you’ve rushed into the story too fast.
Anyways, I’m loving the story so far . I’ll read chapter one tomorrow 
.
First off, thank you a million times and I reward you with cookies or whatever you fancy.
Little Tin Fish wrote:I do like the ending of The Beginning though, I'm a fan of unheard words
Little Tin Fish wrote:Myth wrote:What bothered the Tandy's was her appearence.
The Norman's had denied having a son,
The apostrophes aren't needed because it's plural rather than possesive. When I'm not sure if one's needed, usualy because there's a plural, I replace it with someone's name to check. So, you wouldn't say 'What bothered Jacob's was her appearance' you'd just say Jacob. Sorry, I'm a stickler for punctuation *strokes an ampersand*.
And I'll have to fix the Hob specie thing.
ROAR!
Myth wrote:Brenna was contemplating over the last few days.
The open space was no longer in use by the other local children...
...the playfield was an ideal place to act out the dramas of their minds.
Close-by was the splashing of feet, enthusiastic chatter erupted and three blue glows lit up
. Anyhoo, to Chapter one!What bothered the Tandy's was her appearence.
The Norman's had denied having a son,
Music is my soul.
The music reached its climax, throwing every single instrument of the orchestra into the conclusion, an attempt to linger in the listeners' ears ever after...
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
"This is your average troll," the imp pointed at the largest creature in a horned helmet. "You're familiar with goblins, you've come across them before."
She nodded, they were the creatures that took Fred and now she knew what they were. The third creature, smallest of the three, was an imp and she did not need to be told that.
The crystal flared and dissolved, leaving no trace of scorch marks on the table
I might get hungry or the rain will come again
You already know how much I like this story (I commented on it at the Society Revisited) so I'm just going to compliment your work again. The minor revisions make it even better. I really can't wait to read more.
The prologue is meant to appear ordinary and dull because its the real world and during the middle it changes to a different realm.
I didn't want readers wondering what Brenna looked like, its better to describe her as I was writing a little about her.
The end was very different in my previous installments, I guess its better now, leaving a little mystery to what may have happened next.
I'm sorry to hear you found it dull, hopefully I can change a few things over the summer.
Minor changes have been made to C1, any thing on that chapter would be great as I find it needs a little work.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Adam.
The Beginning
A boy and a girl walked down a dusty road, the two were lost in their own thoughts – thinking about the long days ahead. Behind them the tops of trees and chimneys could be seen, and in the far distant a clock tower struck the hour. It was a lazy summer day and the air was filled with the rich scents of honeysuckle mingling with freshly cut grass. The buzzing bees constantly hovered towards the children – who ignored them. Heat could be seen rising hazily, filling the atmosphere with a lonely feeling.
//This seems a bit of a slow beginning, I like beginnings that start in action or important plot points. It seems a little too "Happy Chappy"
The girl was Brenna Tandy. She was eleven years old with long dark hair and an upturned nose, and, as usual, she was frowning. Her frown deepened as she considered what to do – her parents had refused to take her on holiday. The summer break had already started; she’d finished primary school, and would soon be going to a grammar school. Why did her parents have to send her to a grammar school? Couldn’t she just go to a secondary school, like all the other local kids?
//Instead of describing her all at once perhaps you could hint throughout the chapter.
Along the road, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with spiky branch-tips. The leaves were brown, some falling swiftly, and changed colour when settling on the ground. The road ran through a meadow with wilting flowers and burnt bushes. The trees made it appear even more sinister, looming above their heads and creaking.
//Finally, something interesting. I like how you have used Pathetic Fallacy to builed up tention.
“Where are we?” she asked, her throat drying. “Maybe we made a wrong turn.”
//This seems a little cliched, Ive seen this line in so many things
“Let’s go back.” Brenna felt goose bumps rise along her arm. She could feel anger and hate in this place, it was so tranquil and dead. She was agitated, shifting from one foot to the other. “How can you be so calm?” she asked Frederick in a quiet voice. She felt it wasn’t right to shout in a place like this.
// The word tranquil seems to sugest peace and rest, you use dead straight after so perhaps another word would be more appropriate.
“Climb the trees, Fred. It’s the only way out!” Brenna suggested.
The trees gave a deep bellow, as if they were laughing. Brenna grabbed the nearest branch, cutting herself with the sharp ends. The trees swayed, dipping low, and spinning until the two children were hurled towards the waiting creature.
The thing sneered, its golden vapour of dust waiting to be deployed – shouts of encouragement came from its friends. As soon as Brenna began to run again the vapour darted towards her and danced around her like a swarm of glittering bees. Then she collapsed.
Frederick had been knocked against a tree when he saw her go down. “Hey!” He ran to her, getting on his knees to check she was alright. Her eyes were closed and fluttered gently, as if she was dreaming, and mud had smeared onto her mouth.
“C’mon, Bre, wake up!”
A whip cut through the air, wrapped around his legs and dragged him away. “No!” he protested.
Another creature had come through the sheet – leering as it pulled on the whip – its loincloth covering its groin. It may have appeared frail but its strength was greater than Frederick’s.
Frederick tried to grab a tree root but it stepped away. Mud and dirty water splattered onto his face, blinding him. He rolled onto his back and wiped at his eyes. With another heave he was launched ever closer to the creature, taking a chance, he took hold of the whip. He tugged on it and heard a surprised screech. The leader of the creatures’, who had gone back through the sheet, once more returned to the scene. In its hand was the pouch, as before it blew, producing the same vapoury dust.
Frederick used all his might to pull the whip, just when he thought he had succeeded another whip cracked and bound his hands.
He screamed with fury, twisted on the muddy ground, and then felt the golden dust tinkle down on him. Before he could stop himself, the magic dust taking effect, he was plunged into darkness.
// This bit is better it has action, suspense and leaves the reader waiting for more.
Overall I found the majority of this chapter quite dull and ordinary, I think you managed to pull it back together at the end but I lost interest at the start.
Thanks for reading!
I chose not to reveal too much about Fred, his character will come out more later in the story as I wanted him to have a mysterious side to him.
I'm glad there's another real Brenna out there, she's based on me! Well.. sort of.
Welcome to YWS!
Your imagery, especially of the creatures that take Fred, is very good, and you should continue with that as it is. I definitely want to know why they took him.
I think you should play up a bit more on Fred's personality in the beginning. It was a little hard for me to tell what kind of person he was, so you might want to throw in a few things like you did with the 'dreamer' nickname given to Brenna. Nothing stereotypical, of course, but more definition of who he is would make the beginning really good.
Brenna's character is clear, though. She kind of reminds me of me....
Can't wait for more!
I wouldn't want to comment right now on Frederick.
Well.. Brenna will use some psychic ability in the next chapter or the one after that, depending on how much I write today.
Thanks!
It's hard for me to tell at the moment about Brenna's powers, I guess because you haven't gotten into it that much. Honestly, I'm not liking it that much right now because I haven't seen her being "psychic" in action. All that's happened is that you've told us she's psychic, but haven't showed us. But hey, this is only the prologue and the first chapter! You have plenty of time to develop it if you like it.
I have to say I'm surprised you like Fred even though he makes a very brief appearance.
Thanks for that helpful critique. I did want the start to be an ordinary world because things get extraordinary once something dramatically change, just wait till I get to the fantasy world.
I have to say I'm suprised you like Fred even though he makes a very brief appearance.
One thing I wanted to know was about Brenna's psychic ability and how she uses music to help her, is that something I should work on or ditch.
Any other comments are welcome.
Whew! I didn't know it was going to be this long when I started reading it. But it was worth it.
First off--the beginning. It sounds so ordinary compared to the rest of the story. I'm assuming you're kind of mixing the real world with a fantasy world, so maybe you're trying to establish the normal part of this world. I, personally, am a sucker for the two kids walking down a dusty road with nothing to do. I wasn't sure at first about the beginning, but now I think that I like it.
I was afraid of the second paragraph. Afraid that you were going to go into some long-winded description of Brenna, her shining blonde hair, her clear blue eyes, etc. But you didn't. You gave a quick outline of her, made a clear impression of who she is by saying that as usual, she is frowning, and then talked a little about her life. That was good.
Myth wrote:“Wake up Dreamer,” he laughed, using her nickname. He put an arm around her – which she nudged off. “This was fun, wasn’t it?” he repeated. He held the picture between them.
They were discussing other possible activities, each disagreeing with the other, when Brenna shivered. She had felt a cold vibration pass through her, and halted – taking in her surroundings.
She had spent a long time in her bedroom after that, looking at a treasured photograph, taken during Edwardian week at the local library, originally she had been sitting on the front steps of the library with Frederick.
But she was alone, with bouncy curls, in a lacy white dress and a sash of lemon.
There was a high-pitched squeal, coming from the kitchen, and then a back door opened and slammed shut.
Smiling she returned to her bed, back into her previous position.
It had only been a minor creature, nothing too harmful, but she didn’t want anything magical near her home.
I want to read more. 
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