Gone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Sari: This is the old thread and the old post which you didn't need to critique. Most of the changes were already made in the new version:
viewtopic.php?t=13338&highlight=
Any further comments should be made on the above thread.
Okay, so I’m finally here xD Sorry it took me so long, but I was a little short wit time lately. Currently sick, so theoretically I have time.
Quote:
Brenna Tandy had changed over the years.
I think you added ‘had’ here, right? Or not? Because if you did, the everything OK with my sanity. -Half of the last week I brooded on: “God, tell her to add the ‘had’ or not?
An afterthought: Heh, you might have already had that. But never mind, I see plotting everywhere these days. Seriously, the bus stop is getting longer everyday. Creepy…
Quote:
She now locked herself in her room, seeking solitude by painting pictures and listening to music‘Would’, up there? Or maybe its just to many grammar lessons at school ^_^
Quote:
Brenna had dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.
Comma after ‘presently’?
Quote:
She had then ran her fingers through the newly dyed hair and wondered whether her parents would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she herself had never seen any and a merrow had assured her too.
Assured her of what? Suggestion: (…) assured her that none existed, too.” Suggestion, partly cause the word repeating I am aware of, lol.
Quote:
But when he noticed the four piercing on each ear, he had reason to be angry—hair could be dyed back while holes took time to close up.
Comma before ‘while’?
Quote:
Mercifully, he had asked for the revolting things to be removed and when Brenna disobeyed he stopped her pocket money.
Is it just me, because I don’t really get the usage of ‘mercifully’ up there? (Weird sentence there, I know ^_^) Comma before ‘he’.
Quote:
Her mother always bought her clothes, Brenna would take these back to the shops and use the money for her own choice of outfits.
The link from one part of the sentence to the other is not really clear. Add ‘and’ or ‘but’ or something. Or rephrase it? -Suggestion here, though.
Quote:
some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her precious work.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
At school others had invited her to study groups, once exams were over she had been spat out, unwanted.
Not really a clear sentence. Consider rephrasing it?
Quote:
Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.
Consider placing ‘lightly’ somewhere else?\
Quote:
She joined in, knowing, from memory, every note.
So many commas needed?
Quote:
Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could and it was a drug that always uplifted her spirit.
Comma after ‘won’. Add ‘because‘?
Quote:
Music is my soul.
Because of the ‘my’, I suggest you put this in italics
Quote:
her friend’s belongings were gone, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.
This part a separate sentence?
Quote:
Brenna focused, searching through the house, from within her mind, for the source of the sound.
Too much commas, I think… Last to needed?
Quote:
She had expected to see the intruder in her head but figured a concealing spell was in use—she would have to meet the creature personally.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
I kind of don’t like these two short sentences next to each other. But lol, I think I am galloping too far now ^_^
Quote:
expect for merrows who generally were friendly towards her, Brenna had no idea as to why they liked her.
The last part a separate sentence or something?
Quote:
Now come here where I can see you.”
Comma after ‘now’
Quote:
It was meant to be the other way around but she was hesitant to give orders.
Comma before ‘but’
Quote:
You look different but you’re the same girl.
Comma before ;but’? O_o Okay, I’m becoming unsure now…
Quote:
it knew her name and, she supposed, it knew about Fred vanishing.
Did I miss something (kind of sick, as I said), but how and why should it now about Fred?
Quote:
She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for?
Two sentences?
Quote:
Gone out. Back soon.
Brenna
Make this stick out more, perhaps italics?
Quote:
“Go, create new memories,” Uh, maybe you should say who said that. As in, I know, but…
Quote:
Recalling all the adventures they had taken up, the trees they had climbed and the ship, now broken, where they were pirates.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if the trees where recalling.
Quote:
The boys tore after her, Brenna cursed but she was good at running—an oath she had fulfilled.
Don’t really get this sentence. A bit unclear.
Quote:
Once it had been quite pleasant to walk through, it only appalled Brenna these days.
Being instead ‘it had been’?
Quote:
He was converting it into a city home but had not yet ordered for the construction to begin—he was rather put off by voices he had heard whilst visiting the site. Posters, warning trespassers of prosecution, were taped on tree trunks and also were scattered all along the road.
Since it had not begun, maybe the businessman ‘wanted to convert (…)? Second sentence: ‘also’ needed?
Quote:
The wood behind the transparent curtain was streaming with green light—it was daytime there too
Comma before ‘too’?
QuoteL
Her tap formed waves to cross the velvety wood scene, she was fascinated and it was as though Brenna was watching from the surface of a richly clear pool.
Rephrase this sentence?
Okay, so this part is done. I’ll write of the characters etc. when I catch up with what you posted on YWS, ok?
-elein
Okay, so I’m finally here xD Sorry it took me so long, but I was a little short wit time lately. Currently sick, so theoretically I have time.
Quote:
Brenna Tandy had changed over the years.
I think you added ‘had’ here, right? Or not? Because if you did, the everything OK with my sanity. -Half of the last week I brooded on: “God, tell her to add the ‘had’ or not?
An afterthought: Heh, you might have already had that. But never mind, I see plotting everywhere these days. Seriously, the bus stop is getting longer everyday. Creepy…
Quote:
She now locked herself in her room, seeking solitude by painting pictures and listening to music
‘Would’, up there? Or maybe its just to many grammar lessons at school ^_^
Quote:
Brenna had dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.
Comma after ‘presently’?
Quote:
She had then ran her fingers through the newly dyed hair and wondered whether her parents would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she herself had never seen any and a merrow had assured her too.
Assured her of what? Suggestion: (…) assured her that none existed, too.” Suggestion, partly cause the word repeating I am aware of, lol.
Quote:
But when he noticed the four piercing on each ear, he had reason to be angry—hair could be dyed back while holes took time to close up.
Comma before ‘while’?
Quote:
Mercifully, he had asked for the revolting things to be removed and when Brenna disobeyed he stopped her pocket money.
Is it just me, because I don’t really get the usage of ‘mercifully’ up there? (Weird sentence there, I know ^_^) Comma before ‘he’.
Quote:
Her mother always bought her clothes, Brenna would take these back to the shops and use the money for her own choice of outfits.
The link from one part of the sentence to the other is not really clear. Add ‘and’ or ‘but’ or something. Or rephrase it? -Suggestion here, though.
Quote:
some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her precious work.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
At school others had invited her to study groups, once exams were over she had been spat out, unwanted.
Not really a clear sentence. Consider rephrasing it?
Quote:
Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.
Consider placing ‘lightly’ somewhere else?\
Quote:
She joined in, knowing, from memory, every note.
So many commas needed?
Quote:
Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could and it was a drug that always uplifted her spirit.
Comma after ‘won’. Add ‘because‘?
Quote:
Music is my soul.
Because of the ‘my’, I suggest you put this in italics
Quote:
her friend’s belongings were gone, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.
This part a separate sentence?
Quote:
Brenna focused, searching through the house, from within her mind, for the source of the sound.
Too much commas, I think… Last to needed?
Quote:
She had expected to see the intruder in her head but figured a concealing spell was in use—she would have to meet the creature personally.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.
Quote:
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
I kind of don’t like these two short sentences next to each other. But lol, I think I am galloping too far now ^_^
Quote:
expect for merrows who generally were friendly towards her, Brenna had no idea as to why they liked her.
The last part a separate sentence or something?
Quote:
Now come here where I can see you.”
Comma after ‘now’
Quote:
It was meant to be the other way around but she was hesitant to give orders.
Comma before ‘but’
Quote:
You look different but you’re the same girl.
Comma before ;but’? O_o Okay, I’m becoming unsure now…
Quote:
it knew her name and, she supposed, it knew about Fred vanishing.
Did I miss something (kind of sick, as I said), but how and why should it now about Fred?
Quote:
She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for?
Two sentences?
Quote:
Gone out. Back soon.
Brenna
Make this stick out more, perhaps italics?
Quote:
“Go, create new memories,”
Uh, maybe you should say who said that. As in, I know, but…
Quote:
Recalling all the adventures they had taken up, the trees they had climbed and the ship, now broken, where they were pirates.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if the trees where recalling.
Quote:
The boys tore after her, Brenna cursed but she was good at running—an oath she had fulfilled.
Don’t really get this sentence. A bit unclear.
Quote:
Once it had been quite pleasant to walk through, it only appalled Brenna these days.
Being instead ‘it had been’?
Quote:
He was converting it into a city home but had not yet ordered for the construction to begin—he was rather put off by voices he had heard whilst visiting the site. Posters, warning trespassers of prosecution, were taped on tree trunks and also were scattered all along the road.
Since it had not begun, maybe the businessman ‘wanted to convert (…)? Second sentence: ‘also’ needed?
Quote:
The wood behind the transparent curtain was streaming with green light—it was daytime there too
Comma before ‘too’?
QuoteL
Her tap formed waves to cross the velvety wood scene, she was fascinated and it was as though Brenna was watching from the surface of a richly clear pool.
Rephrase this sentence?
Okay, so this part is done. I’ll write of the characters etc. when I catch up with what you posted on YWS, ok?
-elein
Shafter: Yay! My 'twin' who has picked up things I've disregarded. Thank you for spending time to look over the prologue, as I've said in my PM you can look over C1 or wait for next weeks update. *gives cookies*
Qamar: Hello, thanks for reading. Lovely to know people are reading my work.
I'm sorry, but I didn't find anything in the prologue or the chapter. It was great!
Hey, Myth!
Well, it took me an Age and a Day to get this crit to you, but here's the crit of the prologue!
Though not traditional, I like this opening. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You can take out the “of.”
Okay, I know you’re setting up the story here, but it feels too much like an information dump. Is there any other way to convey this information without it feeling like the narrator’s getting in the way?
Do you mean “as his eyes”? “And” seems... wrong or something here. Not sure why...
Since both of these are obvious, maybe you can reword this. It seems a little too generic for Brenna.
I’d make this two sentences if I were you.
The “were” here slows down the sentence. If you’re trying to convey a suddenness, you might try a direct “Twisted black trees (descriptive verb) along the lane, branches extending upwards and outwards.” It moves the sentence along faster.
That said...
Love this section. The imagery is awesome!
This would be a great place to do characterization as well as backstory. Brenna’s reaction to this would say a lot about what she was familiar with. I know she does have a reaction-- a small one-- but I think it’d be better if her reaction characterized a bit more.
I’m not quite sure which person says which line here.
A branch poked at Brenna. It seemed to point to a sign nailed to a nearby tree. Brenna, conscious of the swaying trees, found a cricket perched on top of the sign but the painted black letters were unknown to her. The cricket chirped and the words began to swim, they rearranged themselves and, at one point, it was almost legible—Brenna recognised words such as ‘king’ and ‘alight’—yet when she looked for a second time the writing was alien once more.
Comma after “but.”
Show, don’t tell! I’d suggest putting an action in there, like Brenna tugging on Fred’s arm-- something to show that she’s furious rather than telling the reader.
I like this, too-- I get such a strong image of the scene. This is when I wish I could draw better...
“Screamed” is a pretty strong word. How about “yelped” or “shrieked”?
Can you glare friendily at someone? I believe the word you’re looking for is “scowl.”
Comma before “but.”
I like Fred.
Comma after “that.”
I’d delete the “and” and start a new sentence with “Brenna” for a less run-on sentence feel.
Is “she would regret following after him” her thought or just a narrator line? If it’s her thought, you might consider making it a direct one:
“Brenna groaned-- I’m going to regret this.”
Ooh, foreshadowing! I can imagine this is important later.
The period after “day” should be a comma.
Coolio. Gosh, I wish I could draw!
You can take out “to herself.”
I don’t understand what you mean by “gripped.” Literally? If not, then you’re shifting from Brenna’s point of view to Fred’s which is jarring.
It’s, not its.
Comma before “but.”
“Slithered”-- good image. Kind of snakelike and ominous.
The second sentence seems unnecessarily wordy. Maybe shorter sentences would be better:
“Brenna clasped a hand over his mouth. It was too late-- the glow vanished.”
I’m sure you can come up with something better than that.
You have tripped over Shafter’s pet peeve! (Just ask Gyr-- she’ll tell you horror stories.)
This is something of a run-on sentence. Can you break it up!
Huh? Is “smartened her bruise” an English/Canadian/Australian expression? I don’t understand. *Stares blankly and is American*
The sentence structure here is a little odd. It sounds like the mud and leaves are softening as a result of rivulets forming and children slipping. See what I mean?
*Chews pencil in half wanting to be able to draw better*
Comma after “feet.”
You mean “turned on their heels and ran,” right? Otherwise they’re just standing there turning on their heels.
The “and, thinking quickly, said,” kind of drags this down in my opinion. I’d delete them.
As if climbing trees wasn’t hard enough...
Uhm, “skittles”? Like those fruity m&m thingies? *Groans and is even more American*
The narrator is glaringly obvious in this paragraph. No information dumps! Also, the second sentence is written in the passive voice, which “is always to be avoided.”
I like the first paragraph because it’s rushing and almost dreamlike. Good ending to the prologue.
Overall, I like this piece. The prologue makes me want to read more. The imagery is my favorite part: I can just see everything! *Miscellanious grumbling about not being able to draw*
Personally, I would like to get inside Brenna’s head a bit more. We can see what she’s doing, but her thoughts are kept to a minimum. If that’s what you’re going for, great. But I’m a sucker for interior monologue.
Okay, I will be back to crit chapter one later. I hope this crit is half as helpful to you as you’ve been to me!
Cheers! ~Shafter
The One and Only Imp: *bows* I'm afraid I got confused with all my chapters so I've had to rewrite a few so it will probably be some time before I update.
(though I didn't realise it was anything like her work, entirely based on my own life).
Being compared to Wynne Jones is - just "Wow!", as you already know I love her work
I'll get on to the imp soon, he's a lot trickier than I hoped.
I hope I'm not trespassing impertinently on story-territory left to the edge or buried.
But Myth, this is lovely. Your fantasy is tangibly real and commonplace, intermingled with the ordinary only to be stunning when it really shows itself. Brenna's excellent, and the beginning, for its slow-paced everyday appearance, is not merely an apt contrast but a deft entry into a strange world and way of letting reader familiarise themselves with the characters.
There's something in the family relations and some of the incongruity that reminds me of Diana Wynne Jones - but not as if you'd taken leaves of her stories and pasted them in. 'Tis all Myth here (double-entendre intended ^_~).
Some of the imp's exchange seemed least smooth. But I'll have to come back to it to be specific, when I have closer to an hour rather than five minutes. ^_^
I hope you're published, and soon - the English language will be bereft without your imagination and stories.
IMP
Sureal: Okay, glad Fred's actions were 'realistic', had a bit of trouble with that. That you for pointing out the errors, they'll be fixed once I'm ... not so lazy.
The pace of the story is quite fast, I hate dragging things but I'll take another look at slowing it a notch and I'm especially happy you were able to 'imagine' this for yourself.
Thanks!
Hello Myth ^_^. Just a quick crit of The Beginning,
. I’ll read chapter one tomorrow 
.
‘Behind them were the tops of trees and few chimneys, in the far distant was a clock tower’
- The comment about chimneys feel awkward. I’m thinking it could maybe do with an ‘a’ in there (‘Behind them were the tops of trees and a few chimneys,’).
- ‘distance’ = ‘distance’.
‘What happened next was much stranger than anything either had seen,’
- Maybe it’s just me… but I don’t like this. I don’t think you really need to tell us something is strange before it happens. Just telling us it happens is enough. It’s kind of like saying, ‘he was about to throw the ball. He threw the ball.’
- If you want to say it’s strange, then I think it would be best to say so after it’s happened.
‘for that was the creature’s specie,’
- ‘specie’ = ‘species’.
All in all - I loved this. Although, I’m a sucker for stories such as this (and I have to admit, Fred acted in much the same way I would have). What I love the most about your story is that it produces pictures - as I read through this, I get flashes of images (something few stories on YWS have succeeded in doing).
However, this does feel a touched rushed (pacing-wise). Although this really depends on how long the full story is going to be - if it’s 50,000 words or less, then I’d say it’s a fair enough pace. If it’s more than that, I can’t help but feel that you’ve rushed into the story too fast.
Anyways, I’m loving the story so far
First off, thank you a million times and I reward you with cookies or whatever you fancy.
I too like the ending, I hate going for soppy stuff XD
Hmm... Would it be better to use "What bothered Brenna's parents was her appearance?"
Oops, I always forget to add the italics when it comes to posting. I'm glad you liked the part about the music climax
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you noticed Fred's arrogant side early. You'll probably hate him all the way through.
*Locked*
ROAR!
The word 'was' doesn't seem to fit properly in my mind, I would change it to Brenna had been contemplating...
It sounds a little too formal, so you could just change it to 'used'.
This I really liked, the image of them playing out thier imaginations ; )
This I don't understand, glows? I'm assuming you mean some form of light, although I'm not sure what, perhaps you could clarify?
I do like the ending of The Beginning though, I'm a fan of unheard words
The apostrophes aren't needed because it's plural rather than possesive. When I'm not sure if one's needed, usualy because there's a plural, I replace it with someone's name to check. So, you wouldn't say 'What bothered Jacob's was her appearance' you'd just say Jacob. Sorry, I'm a stickler for punctuation *strokes an ampersand*.
Because when I first read this I was half asleep, I was slightly confused with the first personness, if it's one of Brenna's thoughts I'd stick it in italics.
I really like this too, I've don't listen to much classical music, but I get this strange sort of lump in my chest when I'm listening to something and it gets to a point like that, reading did that too.
You tend to use quite short sentances, most are only a single statement long and some of them could be strung together with commas or conjunctions to make them longer. I'd have Someone was humming, and the sound was rather pleasant.
I had to read through this several times to understand it. I don't know too much about mythical creatures so it took me a while to realise that goblins and trolls are different things, so perhaps it too could do with a little clarification.
Dissolving is something things do in water, so I'm guessing you either had the image of it burning away or fading, and I think something else would make a little more sense.
Brenna seems very certain that the rain will be there this time, if you were aiming for a possibility you could replace it with could.
I really did like this, and I do like the character of Brenna, although Fred seems a little arrogant and full of himself to me, he reminds me of someone I once knew. And didn't get on with very well.
You managed to keep hold of my intrest and I could read it through in one sitting. I know it doesn't seem like much but I'm so easily distracted that sometihng like that seems like a big deal for me
I'm looking forward to reading more!
Fish.
You already know how much I like this story (I commented on it at the Society Revisited) so I'm just going to compliment your work again. The minor revisions make it even better. I really can't wait to read more.
Additional comments are welcome as I'd like to improve on what I've written so far.
Ill do chapter one tomorrow when I have a spare moment
The prologue is meant to appear ordinary and dull because its the real world and during the middle it changes to a different realm.
I didn't want readers wondering what Brenna looked like, its better to describe her as I was writing a little about her.
The end was very different in my previous installments, I guess its better now, leaving a little mystery to what may have happened next.
I'm sorry to hear you found it dull, hopefully I can change a few things over the summer.
Minor changes have been made to C1, any thing on that chapter would be great as I find it needs a little work.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Adam.
The Beginning
A boy and a girl walked down a dusty road, the two were lost in their own thoughts – thinking about the long days ahead. Behind them the tops of trees and chimneys could be seen, and in the far distant a clock tower struck the hour. It was a lazy summer day and the air was filled with the rich scents of honeysuckle mingling with freshly cut grass. The buzzing bees constantly hovered towards the children – who ignored them. Heat could be seen rising hazily, filling the atmosphere with a lonely feeling.
//This seems a bit of a slow beginning, I like beginnings that start in action or important plot points. It seems a little too "Happy Chappy"
The girl was Brenna Tandy. She was eleven years old with long dark hair and an upturned nose, and, as usual, she was frowning. Her frown deepened as she considered what to do – her parents had refused to take her on holiday. The summer break had already started; she’d finished primary school, and would soon be going to a grammar school. Why did her parents have to send her to a grammar school? Couldn’t she just go to a secondary school, like all the other local kids?
//Instead of describing her all at once perhaps you could hint throughout the chapter.
Along the road, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with spiky branch-tips. The leaves were brown, some falling swiftly, and changed colour when settling on the ground. The road ran through a meadow with wilting flowers and burnt bushes. The trees made it appear even more sinister, looming above their heads and creaking.
//Finally, something interesting. I like how you have used Pathetic Fallacy to builed up tention.
“Where are we?” she asked, her throat drying. “Maybe we made a wrong turn.”
//This seems a little cliched, Ive seen this line in so many things
“Let’s go back.” Brenna felt goose bumps rise along her arm. She could feel anger and hate in this place, it was so tranquil and dead. She was agitated, shifting from one foot to the other. “How can you be so calm?” she asked Frederick in a quiet voice. She felt it wasn’t right to shout in a place like this.
// The word tranquil seems to sugest peace and rest, you use dead straight after so perhaps another word would be more appropriate.
“Climb the trees, Fred. It’s the only way out!” Brenna suggested.
The trees gave a deep bellow, as if they were laughing. Brenna grabbed the nearest branch, cutting herself with the sharp ends. The trees swayed, dipping low, and spinning until the two children were hurled towards the waiting creature.
The thing sneered, its golden vapour of dust waiting to be deployed – shouts of encouragement came from its friends. As soon as Brenna began to run again the vapour darted towards her and danced around her like a swarm of glittering bees. Then she collapsed.
Frederick had been knocked against a tree when he saw her go down. “Hey!” He ran to her, getting on his knees to check she was alright. Her eyes were closed and fluttered gently, as if she was dreaming, and mud had smeared onto her mouth.
“C’mon, Bre, wake up!”
A whip cut through the air, wrapped around his legs and dragged him away. “No!” he protested.
Another creature had come through the sheet – leering as it pulled on the whip – its loincloth covering its groin. It may have appeared frail but its strength was greater than Frederick’s.
Frederick tried to grab a tree root but it stepped away. Mud and dirty water splattered onto his face, blinding him. He rolled onto his back and wiped at his eyes. With another heave he was launched ever closer to the creature, taking a chance, he took hold of the whip. He tugged on it and heard a surprised screech. The leader of the creatures’, who had gone back through the sheet, once more returned to the scene. In its hand was the pouch, as before it blew, producing the same vapoury dust.
Frederick used all his might to pull the whip, just when he thought he had succeeded another whip cracked and bound his hands.
He screamed with fury, twisted on the muddy ground, and then felt the golden dust tinkle down on him. Before he could stop himself, the magic dust taking effect, he was plunged into darkness.
// This bit is better it has action, suspense and leaves the reader waiting for more.
Overall I found the majority of this chapter quite dull and ordinary, I think you managed to pull it back together at the end but I lost interest at the start.
Thanks for reading!
I chose not to reveal too much about Fred, his character will come out more later in the story as I wanted him to have a mysterious side to him.
I'm glad there's another real Brenna out there, she's based on me! Well.. sort of.
Welcome to YWS!
Your imagery, especially of the creatures that take Fred, is very good, and you should continue with that as it is.
I definitely want to know why they took him.
I think you should play up a bit more on Fred's personality in the beginning. It was a little hard for me to tell what kind of person he was, so you might want to throw in a few things like you did with the 'dreamer' nickname given to Brenna. Nothing stereotypical, of course, but more definition of who he is would make the beginning really good.
Brenna's character is clear, though. She kind of reminds me of me....
Can't wait for more!
I wouldn't want to comment right now on Frederick.
Well.. Brenna will use some psychic ability in the next chapter or the one after that, depending on how much I write today.
Thanks!
It's hard for me to tell at the moment about Brenna's powers, I guess because you haven't gotten into it that much. Honestly, I'm not liking it that much right now because I haven't seen her being "psychic" in action. All that's happened is that you've told us she's psychic, but haven't showed us. But hey, this is only the prologue and the first chapter! You have plenty of time to develop it if you like it.
Really? Why? *Is curious* Is he suddenly going to turn evil and kill everyone?
Again, great work.
Thanks for that helpful critique. I did want the start to be an ordinary world because things get extraordinary once something dramatically change, just wait till I get to the fantasy world.
I have to say I'm suprised you like Fred even though he makes a very brief appearance.
One thing I wanted to know was about Brenna's psychic ability and how she uses music to help her, is that something I should work on or ditch.
Any other comments are welcome.
Whew! I didn't know it was going to be this long when I started reading it. But it was worth it.
I wasn't sure at first about the beginning, but now I think that I like it.
First off--the beginning. It sounds so ordinary compared to the rest of the story. I'm assuming you're kind of mixing the real world with a fantasy world, so maybe you're trying to establish the normal part of this world. I, personally, am a sucker for the two kids walking down a dusty road with nothing to do.
I was afraid of the second paragraph. Afraid that you were going to go into some long-winded description of Brenna, her shining blonde hair, her clear blue eyes, etc. But you didn't. You gave a quick outline of her, made a clear impression of who she is by saying that as usual, she is frowning, and then talked a little about her life. That was good.
I would put a comma before "Dreamer", so that it's "Wake up, Dreamer,".
When Frederick says "That was fun", I'm not sure if he's talking about what they were doing in the picture, or what they were just doing previously, before they started walking toward the playfield. Maybe you should clarify?
Split up that last sentence and instead of the hyphen, use a comma: She had felt a cold vibration pass through her. She halted, taking in her surroundings.
Near the end of the "The Beginning" and throughout the first chapter the commas seem to be oddly-placed. I would suggest reading this out loud. Listen to where you naturally pause as you read and insert a comma.
Also, on a related note and also in the same vicinity (end of "The Beginning" and the first chapter) your sentences all are very similarly structured. For example:
Just try to vary the sentence structure. Make some long an flowy, others short and choppy, you get the idea.
Excellent work--I enjoyed reading this. The story is intriguing, what with the fantasy combined with reality, Fred disappearing (Noooo!!! Not Fred! I like him! Come back!! ), and that awful cliffhanger ending of chapter 1.
Gone.