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Ancient Tales: Wind Rider

by Myth


(Under major edit)


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Wed Apr 05, 2006 9:22 am
Myth says...



Thank you so much! I always have a little trouble with this but it really shouldn't be because I know someone who went through what Wind Rider is experiencing so I think I need to concentrate on her a lot. I think I like Coeda a lot more than Wind Rider, and I just love to use description on what people used to wear thousands of years ago.

I'll edit as soon as possible and hopefully will post a massive piece once I'm done.




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Wed Apr 05, 2006 2:48 am
Areida says...



I'm back! Finally. I did this section a while ago, but then I lost it so I'm afraid this crit isn't as thorough as it should have been. Sorry. :(

But on to my comments!

I was woken by the sound of the beating of wings.


This sentence seems off to me. I think it’s the immediate use of the passive and then the double possessive modifier at the end. I would suggest changing it to something like: A whoosh that was the beating of wings woke me the next morning except it shouldn’t be lame like that. You get the idea.

Coeda was by the window: a beautiful girl with brown skin and almond shaped eyes. She had short-cropped hair with a white cone of wax on top and her white linen dress fitted perfectly to her shape. Coloured jewels at her throat shone in the sunlight and she stood as still as a statue.


Yay, pretty description!

I sat up in bed hugging my legs with my arms.


Seems like the “with my arms” is kind of redundant because I’m not sure what else there is to hug with. What about: “hugging my knees to my chest” or something similar?

She did not speak much of her former masters, she had lived for over four thousand years and her memories were sacred to her. Nobody really thought about daimons and how they lived, they were just servants to us magicians and that was all.


I like this detail here, because it makes the daimons more real, more human (dare I say? ;)) and reveals a prejudice in the common man of your story, which also seems to make this world you’ve created more real as well. Niiiiice.

I had three options. Firstly I could runaway on my own with Coeda’s help, secondly I could agree to go with Abednago the alchemist and lastly, the option I dreaded, I could just get married and live unhappily ever after.


I’m not sure I like this. I would change it to something like this: I had three options: I could run away on my own with Coeda’s help, I could go with the alchemist, and lastly, the option I dread, I could just get married and live unhappily ever after. I do like that last bit there. It puts a lovely sarcastic twist on the old saying.

Well, here was the thing. If I runaway alone


Try to run through your piece and make sure you fix all the “runaway”s that should be “run away.”

“If humans were meant to fly you would have been born with wings.” She snorted.


I like this little insight into Coeda’s sarcastic side, but I think you could tweak it a bit to make it less cliché. Though I do like the use of “humans” in the sentence because it emphasizes the fact that Coeda is not a human.

She hugged me. “Of course, I will.” She whispered into my ears.


I think this should read: ”She hugged me. “Of course I will,” she whispered into my ear. It just seems to make more sense to me that way. The comma felt unnecessary and whispering into “ears” gave me a funny mental image.

Overall, this is turning out to be a very interesting story. I think you could work a bit on your sentence structure to make sure your tenses are always consistent and brush up on your dialogue punctuation, but those seem to be your only technical errors. I’d like to see more of what the Wind Rider is thinking and feeling and less of what’s going on. I feel sort of like an outside observer, even though your story is first person.

It’s almost like I’m walking alongside Wind Rider as her friend and she talks to me every so often, but I never really get any glimpses into her mind that she’s not aware she’s giving me. Does that make sense? If not just tell me and I’ll try to explain differently… I’m so out of it right now, lol…

But in general, nice work! :D




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Fri Mar 31, 2006 2:43 pm
Myth says...



(Under major edit)




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Thu Mar 30, 2006 12:05 pm
Myth says...



I've edited this and changed a few things if anyone wants to add comments you are welcome to. :D




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Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:50 am
Myth says...



areida07 wrote:Okay, I think what I'm going to do is try and crit a bit at a time, otherwise I'll never finish. I'm so lazy. >.<


I'm lazy too that's why this hasn't been updated yet. :D

areida07 wrote:This is a fairly large section, so I didn't quote it all, hence the ellipses. My beef here is that as I was reading, it seemed to fall into a dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum dee dum. sort of a pattern. While a cadence in reading is lovely, when I can figure out the cadence, it annoys me. Try to change up your sentence length a bit and vary it. Most of them are all about the same length, so try to mix in compound sentences with complex sentences and compound-complex sentences as well as simple ones. :)


I was rushing through this part but I'll be taking a few things out because I think this is the part that gives clues to what will happen later on in the story.

areida07 wrote:I must applaud your description here. I'm horrible at description, and while this was a nice, short paragraph, you gave me a great image. I think what did it was the smell, because while sight can often seem two-dimensional, smell is very real, very in your face.


I actually based this man on someone I saw in my dreams, reams are great for inspiration on mysterious characters.



Truthful and honest? Pick one! :D


XD LOL!

That made me laugh. Pigeon... hee hee...


I made that up, it was the Victorian's who used 'pigeon as a slang, but I thought I'd use it too. :D


areida07 wrote:Also, it feels like Abella gives up fairly quickly. You introduced her as a slightly snobby pigeon, she surprises Wind Rider by showing some backbone, and then it disappears. Maybe have her disagree a bit longer?


I had trouble with this and I suppose adding a longer dialogue would be best, I'm rubbish at dialogues. :x


areida07 wrote:EDIT: Whoops... that's what I getting for reading so sporadically. I just realized that you have been speaking to the reader all along. So just disregard that one comment a little further up... Mea culpa!


That's what I wanted with this novel, I like it when the reader is addressed by the narrator.

Thank you sooo much for reading and critiquing. I usually give up on stories after two months but I've been at this one for nearly three months and its interesting which is why I actually enjoy writing it. :D :D :D




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Fri Mar 10, 2006 12:50 am
Areida says...



Okay, I think what I'm going to do is try and crit a bit at a time, otherwise I'll never finish. I'm so lazy. >.<

So here are my comments for the part posted on Thursday, February 9th:

What Coeda planned to do I did not know for she kept it to herself. She would not talk about our escape and so I was left wandering what I should do... Beneath my veil I was hot and stuffy but I did not dare remove it because of the punishment and I was in a bad mood.


This is a fairly large section, so I didn't quote it all, hence the ellipses. My beef here is that as I was reading, it seemed to fall into a dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum dee dum. sort of a pattern. While a cadence in reading is lovely, when I can figure out the cadence, it annoys me. Try to change up your sentence length a bit and vary it. Most of them are all about the same length, so try to mix in compound sentences with complex sentences and compound-complex sentences as well as simple ones. :)

"I could help you if you want." The man said. He wore a linen tunic that reached to his feet, a cloth had been wound round his head, and he smelt of perfume. The wrinkles at his eyes and neck suggested he was much older than my Father and his skin was a little darker than mine. Beside him was a walking-stick, carved at the top in the form of a rose and at once I knew he was a Babylonian.


I must applaud your description here. I'm horrible at description, and while this was a nice, short paragraph, you gave me a great image. I think what did it was the smell, because while sight can often seem two-dimensional, smell is very real, very in your face.

To be honest and truthful I felt sorry for them back then, but not now. Abella and I walked to a quite spot beside a narrow alley.


Truthful and honest? Pick one! :D

Never in all the time I had known Abella did I believe she could actually think. She was the sort of girls that are called 'pea-brained' or 'simple' nowadays. In the old days we called someone like that a 'pigeon'.


That made me laugh. Pigeon... hee hee...

"It's only marriage, Abella. Nothing more." I should never have lied to her. I should have told her what I planned to do and now I regret not letting her in on my secret: you will find out why later.


Mmm... not sure about this... I don't feel as though the character has really been aware of the reader, and now she is directly referring to the reader. It feels a little out of place.

Also, it feels like Abella gives up fairly quickly. You introduced her as a slightly snobby pigeon, she surprises Wind Rider by showing some backbone, and then it disappears. Maybe have her disagree a bit longer?

My lady, I wish to speak with you alone. If you are still hoping to runaway then you will meet me tomorrow night by the tavern ‘Assur's Delight'.


Runaway is a noun; the verb you want here is run away. But you knew that... Sorry... :P

Overall, I enjoyed this section. Just those few things, and I think you'll be good to go! :D

EDIT: Whoops... that's what I getting for reading so sporadically. I just realized that you have been speaking to the reader all along. So just disregard that one comment a little further up... Mea culpa!




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Wed Feb 22, 2006 9:56 am
Myth says...



Thanks for reading Boni Bee. I'll take a look at the entries and make changes.




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Tue Feb 21, 2006 9:45 pm
Boni_Bee wrote a review...



Doe wrote:I was the wind rider because I rode on my horse so fast I was only but a blur on the horizon. It was as though I rode the wind itself, my friend Te'oma said.


'I was the wind rider because I rode my horse so fast I was but a blur on the horizon.' That flows a bit better

For you to understand what happened to me I will need to tell you of my forgotten life. I have never told it to anyone before. I blame myself for what happened to me and my Fate and secrets bind me to my formless body, yet whenever I am in the presence of humans and daimons I feel so exposed and fearful.


'I have never told it to anyone before, and I blam myself for what happend to me, and my Fate and secrets bind me to my now formless body, yet whenever I am in the presence of humans and daimeons, I feel so exposed and fearful'

You are waiting for me to start my story, perhaps? Well, I shall begin with my childhood.


That was an interesting little touch

On the night of my birth a wise woman visiting the town knocked on our door and insisted she was the one who had to name me instead of my parents. My parents were shocked when she called me by my name and my mother wept. Fearing I was cursed my parents never really saw me through my childhood. I was raised by a nursemaid and I grew up to be wild with a dark temper. I had two elder brothers and a sister who was two years older than me but we were never close.


'On the night of my birth, a wise woman visiting the town nocked on our door, and insisted she was the one who had to name me instead of my parents. My mother and father were shocked when she called me by my name, and my mother wept.'
'I was raised by a nursemaid and I grew up to be wild, with a dark temper. I had two elder brothers and a sister who was two years older than me, but we were never close'

Of course I could hear you, I thought, I am not deaf. "Of course, Father." I replied staring at him blankly.


Put the first sentence 'Of course I can hear you' in italics, to show she is thinking

They signed and looked at each other.


You mean 'sighed'?

This is very interesting... There are a couple of places where you need a comma, but if you just read back through it slowly, and work out where it needs slight pauses, you'll find them.




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Mon Feb 20, 2006 3:02 pm
Myth says...



(Under major edit)




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Mon Feb 20, 2006 12:29 pm
Myth says...



Thank you!

I'm a history dork too, so you're not alone. :D

The story will take place in many, many historical sites and I promise to make it more interesting. I'm working on the next part so hopefully I'll post it soon.




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Mon Feb 20, 2006 7:54 am
Niamh says...



This is very interesting. I love that the most ancient of cities are involved. I'm a history dork. Keep going on this story. It's brilliant.




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Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:35 pm
Myth says...



(Under major edit)




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Sun Feb 12, 2006 1:17 pm
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Thu Feb 09, 2006 12:46 pm
Myth says...



(Under major edit)




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Thu Feb 09, 2006 12:28 pm
Myth says...



Thanks for reading and critiquing. :D I didn't think anyone would.

The story actually has a lot of twists to it, unexpected things will happen and there is a very big shock in store for the main character (her name will not be revealed yet) and it'll probably be a short novel.

All edited and the next part is on its way. :D




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Wed Feb 08, 2006 9:56 pm
Areida wrote a review...



Eeeeenteresting... Veeeerry eenteresting...

The subject matter is certainly engaging, and you definitely have an original setting and original characters. All I think you really have to worry about now is making sure you've got it semi-plotted out. How long do you think you're going to make it? Do you know yet?

I liked it overall, but I did catch a few typos and had a few specific things to comment on... so here I go...

Magacians in those days did not need a second name


Just a little typo on "magicians" with an 'a' instead of an 'i'.

You are waiting for me to start my story, perhaps?

Well, I shall begin. I shall begin with my childhood.


I found this to be redundant. I think the first two sentences should be combined or one eliminated and the other slightly changed for it to flow more properly. Maybe something like, "You are waiting for my story, perhaps? Then I shall begin with childhood." Except something better... Sorry, that was just randomness. Anyway.

My parents were shocked when she called me by my name and my mother wept, fearing I was cursed my parents never really saw me through my childhood.


It made sense until "cursed my." I think it should either read: "and my mother wept, fearing I was cursed. My parents never really saw me through my childhood" or "and my mother wept. Fearing I was cursed, my parents never really saw me through childhood." As it stands, I'm not really sure how it's supposed to work...

When I was a t home I had my lessons


That typo made me happy. :mrgreen: Just had an extra space in there.

As if I cared, that prune-faced Abella could marry anyone who would have her.


The comma was awkward for me here. I think it should either be a period or a semicolon.

I had thought, Coeda being my Guardian and all, she would have been a little helpful.


Tee hee. This part made me smile.

Once again, I enjoyed it and I'll be interested to see what comes next. Hope I helped at least a little!

Ari




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Wed Feb 08, 2006 2:47 pm
Myth says...



(Under major edit)





I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope