(Under major edit)
Thank you so much! I always have a little trouble with this but it really shouldn't be because I know someone who went through what Wind Rider is experiencing so I think I need to concentrate on her a lot. I think I like Coeda a lot more than Wind Rider, and I just love to use description on what people used to wear thousands of years ago.
I'll edit as soon as possible and hopefully will post a massive piece once I'm done.
I'm back! Finally. I did this section a while ago, but then I lost it so I'm afraid this crit isn't as thorough as it should have been. Sorry.
But on to my comments!
I was woken by the sound of the beating of wings.
Coeda was by the window: a beautiful girl with brown skin and almond shaped eyes. She had short-cropped hair with a white cone of wax on top and her white linen dress fitted perfectly to her shape. Coloured jewels at her throat shone in the sunlight and she stood as still as a statue.
I sat up in bed hugging my legs with my arms.
She did not speak much of her former masters, she had lived for over four thousand years and her memories were sacred to her. Nobody really thought about daimons and how they lived, they were just servants to us magicians and that was all.
I had three options. Firstly I could runaway on my own with Coeda’s help, secondly I could agree to go with Abednago the alchemist and lastly, the option I dreaded, I could just get married and live unhappily ever after.
Well, here was the thing. If I runaway alone
“If humans were meant to fly you would have been born with wings.” She snorted.
She hugged me. “Of course, I will.” She whispered into my ears.
I've edited this and changed a few things if anyone wants to add comments you are welcome to.
areida07 wrote:Okay, I think what I'm going to do is try and crit a bit at a time, otherwise I'll never finish. I'm so lazy. >.<
areida07 wrote:This is a fairly large section, so I didn't quote it all, hence the ellipses. My beef here is that as I was reading, it seemed to fall into a dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum dee dum. sort of a pattern. While a cadence in reading is lovely, when I can figure out the cadence, it annoys me. Try to change up your sentence length a bit and vary it. Most of them are all about the same length, so try to mix in compound sentences with complex sentences and compound-complex sentences as well as simple ones.
areida07 wrote:I must applaud your description here. I'm horrible at description, and while this was a nice, short paragraph, you gave me a great image. I think what did it was the smell, because while sight can often seem two-dimensional, smell is very real, very in your face.
Truthful and honest? Pick one!
That made me laugh. Pigeon... hee hee...
areida07 wrote:Also, it feels like Abella gives up fairly quickly. You introduced her as a slightly snobby pigeon, she surprises Wind Rider by showing some backbone, and then it disappears. Maybe have her disagree a bit longer?
areida07 wrote:EDIT: Whoops... that's what I getting for reading so sporadically. I just realized that you have been speaking to the reader all along. So just disregard that one comment a little further up... Mea culpa!
Okay, I think what I'm going to do is try and crit a bit at a time, otherwise I'll never finish. I'm so lazy. >.<
So here are my comments for the part posted on Thursday, February 9th:
What Coeda planned to do I did not know for she kept it to herself. She would not talk about our escape and so I was left wandering what I should do... Beneath my veil I was hot and stuffy but I did not dare remove it because of the punishment and I was in a bad mood.
"I could help you if you want." The man said. He wore a linen tunic that reached to his feet, a cloth had been wound round his head, and he smelt of perfume. The wrinkles at his eyes and neck suggested he was much older than my Father and his skin was a little darker than mine. Beside him was a walking-stick, carved at the top in the form of a rose and at once I knew he was a Babylonian.
To be honest and truthful I felt sorry for them back then, but not now. Abella and I walked to a quite spot beside a narrow alley.
Never in all the time I had known Abella did I believe she could actually think. She was the sort of girls that are called 'pea-brained' or 'simple' nowadays. In the old days we called someone like that a 'pigeon'.
"It's only marriage, Abella. Nothing more." I should never have lied to her. I should have told her what I planned to do and now I regret not letting her in on my secret: you will find out why later.
My lady, I wish to speak with you alone. If you are still hoping to runaway then you will meet me tomorrow night by the tavern ‘Assur's Delight'.
Thanks for reading Boni Bee. I'll take a look at the entries and make changes.
Doe wrote:I was the wind rider because I rode on my horse so fast I was only but a blur on the horizon. It was as though I rode the wind itself, my friend Te'oma said.
For you to understand what happened to me I will need to tell you of my forgotten life. I have never told it to anyone before. I blame myself for what happened to me and my Fate and secrets bind me to my formless body, yet whenever I am in the presence of humans and daimons I feel so exposed and fearful.
You are waiting for me to start my story, perhaps? Well, I shall begin with my childhood.
On the night of my birth a wise woman visiting the town knocked on our door and insisted she was the one who had to name me instead of my parents. My parents were shocked when she called me by my name and my mother wept. Fearing I was cursed my parents never really saw me through my childhood. I was raised by a nursemaid and I grew up to be wild with a dark temper. I had two elder brothers and a sister who was two years older than me but we were never close.
Of course I could hear you, I thought, I am not deaf. "Of course, Father." I replied staring at him blankly.
They signed and looked at each other.
I'm a history dork too, so you're not alone.
The story will take place in many, many historical sites and I promise to make it more interesting. I'm working on the next part so hopefully I'll post it soon.
This is very interesting. I love that the most ancient of cities are involved. I'm a history dork. Keep going on this story. It's brilliant.
Thanks for reading and critiquing. I didn't think anyone would.
The story actually has a lot of twists to it, unexpected things will happen and there is a very big shock in store for the main character (her name will not be revealed yet) and it'll probably be a short novel.
All edited and the next part is on its way.
Eeeeenteresting... Veeeerry eenteresting...
The subject matter is certainly engaging, and you definitely have an original setting and original characters. All I think you really have to worry about now is making sure you've got it semi-plotted out. How long do you think you're going to make it? Do you know yet?
I liked it overall, but I did catch a few typos and had a few specific things to comment on... so here I go...
Magacians in those days did not need a second name
You are waiting for me to start my story, perhaps? Well, I shall begin. I shall begin with my childhood.
My parents were shocked when she called me by my name and my mother wept, fearing I was cursed my parents never really saw me through my childhood.
When I was a t home I had my lessons
As if I cared, that prune-faced Abella could marry anyone who would have her.
I had thought, Coeda being my Guardian and all, she would have been a little helpful.
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