Published February 7, 2006
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Thank you so much! I always have a little trouble with this but it really shouldn't be because I know someone who went through what Wind Rider is experiencing so I think I need to concentrate on her a lot. I think I like Coeda a lot more than Wind Rider, and I just love to use description on what people used to wear thousands of years ago.
I'll edit as soon as possible and hopefully will post a massive piece once I'm done.
I'm back! Finally. I did this section a while ago, but then I lost it so I'm afraid this crit isn't as thorough as it should have been. Sorry.
But on to my comments!
This sentence seems off to me. I think it’s the immediate use of the passive and then the double possessive modifier at the end. I would suggest changing it to something like: A whoosh that was the beating of wings woke me the next morning except it shouldn’t be lame like that. You get the idea.
Yay, pretty description!
Seems like the “with my arms” is kind of redundant because I’m not sure what else there is to hug with. What about: “hugging my knees to my chest” or something similar?
I like this detail here, because it makes the daimons more real, more human (dare I say?
I’m not sure I like this. I would change it to something like this: I had three options: I could run away on my own with Coeda’s help, I could go with the alchemist, and lastly, the option I dread, I could just get married and live unhappily ever after. I do like that last bit there. It puts a lovely sarcastic twist on the old saying.
Try to run through your piece and make sure you fix all the “runaway”s that should be “run away.”
I like this little insight into Coeda’s sarcastic side, but I think you could tweak it a bit to make it less cliché. Though I do like the use of “humans” in the sentence because it emphasizes the fact that Coeda is not a human.
I think this should read: ”She hugged me. “Of course I will,” she whispered into my ear. It just seems to make more sense to me that way. The comma felt unnecessary and whispering into “ears” gave me a funny mental image.
Overall, this is turning out to be a very interesting story. I think you could work a bit on your sentence structure to make sure your tenses are always consistent and brush up on your dialogue punctuation, but those seem to be your only technical errors. I’d like to see more of what the Wind Rider is thinking and feeling and less of what’s going on. I feel sort of like an outside observer, even though your story is first person.
It’s almost like I’m walking alongside Wind Rider as her friend and she talks to me every so often, but I never really get any glimpses into her mind that she’s not aware she’s giving me. Does that make sense? If not just tell me and I’ll try to explain differently… I’m so out of it right now, lol…
But in general, nice work!
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I've edited this and changed a few things if anyone wants to add comments you are welcome to.
I'm lazy too that's why this hasn't been updated yet.
I was rushing through this part but I'll be taking a few things out because I think this is the part that gives clues to what will happen later on in the story.
I actually based this man on someone I saw in my dreams, reams are great for inspiration on mysterious characters.
XD LOL!
I made that up, it was the Victorian's who used 'pigeon as a slang, but I thought I'd use it too.
I had trouble with this and I suppose adding a longer dialogue would be best, I'm rubbish at dialogues.
That's what I wanted with this novel, I like it when the reader is addressed by the narrator.
Thank you sooo much for reading and critiquing. I usually give up on stories after two months but I've been at this one for nearly three months and its interesting which is why I actually enjoy writing it.
Okay, I think what I'm going to do is try and crit a bit at a time, otherwise I'll never finish. I'm so lazy. >.<
So here are my comments for the part posted on Thursday, February 9th:
This is a fairly large section, so I didn't quote it all, hence the ellipses. My beef here is that as I was reading, it seemed to fall into a dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum. dee dum dee dum dee dum. sort of a pattern. While a cadence in reading is lovely, when I can figure out the cadence, it annoys me. Try to change up your sentence length a bit and vary it. Most of them are all about the same length, so try to mix in compound sentences with complex sentences and compound-complex sentences as well as simple ones.
I must applaud your description here. I'm horrible at description, and while this was a nice, short paragraph, you gave me a great image. I think what did it was the smell, because while sight can often seem two-dimensional, smell is very real, very in your face.
Truthful and honest? Pick one!
That made me laugh. Pigeon... hee hee...
Mmm... not sure about this... I don't feel as though the character has really been aware of the reader, and now she is directly referring to the reader. It feels a little out of place.
Also, it feels like Abella gives up fairly quickly. You introduced her as a slightly snobby pigeon, she surprises Wind Rider by showing some backbone, and then it disappears. Maybe have her disagree a bit longer?
Runaway is a noun; the verb you want here is run away. But you knew that... Sorry...
Overall, I enjoyed this section. Just those few things, and I think you'll be good to go!
EDIT: Whoops... that's what I getting for reading so sporadically. I just realized that you have been speaking to the reader all along. So just disregard that one comment a little further up... Mea culpa!
Thanks for reading Boni Bee. I'll take a look at the entries and make changes.
'I was the wind rider because I rode my horse so fast I was but a blur on the horizon.' That flows a bit better
'I have never told it to anyone before, and I blam myself for what happend to me, and my Fate and secrets bind me to my now formless body, yet whenever I am in the presence of humans and daimeons, I feel so exposed and fearful'
That was an interesting little touch
'On the night of my birth, a wise woman visiting the town nocked on our door, and insisted she was the one who had to name me instead of my parents. My mother and father were shocked when she called me by my name, and my mother wept.'
'I was raised by a nursemaid and I grew up to be wild, with a dark temper. I had two elder brothers and a sister who was two years older than me, but we were never close'
Put the first sentence 'Of course I can hear you' in italics, to show she is thinking
You mean 'sighed'?
This is very interesting... There are a couple of places where you need a comma, but if you just read back through it slowly, and work out where it needs slight pauses, you'll find them.
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Thank you!
I'm a history dork too, so you're not alone.
The story will take place in many, many historical sites and I promise to make it more interesting. I'm working on the next part so hopefully I'll post it soon.
This is very interesting. I love that the most ancient of cities are involved. I'm a history dork. Keep going on this story. It's brilliant.
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Thanks for reading and critiquing.
I didn't think anyone would.
The story actually has a lot of twists to it, unexpected things will happen and there is a very big shock in store for the main character (her name will not be revealed yet) and it'll probably be a short novel.
All edited and the next part is on its way.
Eeeeenteresting... Veeeerry eenteresting...
The subject matter is certainly engaging, and you definitely have an original setting and original characters. All I think you really have to worry about now is making sure you've got it semi-plotted out. How long do you think you're going to make it? Do you know yet?
I liked it overall, but I did catch a few typos and had a few specific things to comment on... so here I go...
Just a little typo on "magicians" with an 'a' instead of an 'i'.
I found this to be redundant. I think the first two sentences should be combined or one eliminated and the other slightly changed for it to flow more properly. Maybe something like, "You are waiting for my story, perhaps? Then I shall begin with childhood." Except something better... Sorry, that was just randomness. Anyway.
It made sense until "cursed my." I think it should either read: "and my mother wept, fearing I was cursed. My parents never really saw me through my childhood" or "and my mother wept. Fearing I was cursed, my parents never really saw me through childhood." As it stands, I'm not really sure how it's supposed to work...
That typo made me happy.
The comma was awkward for me here. I think it should either be a period or a semicolon.
Tee hee. This part made me smile.
Once again, I enjoyed it and I'll be interested to see what comes next. Hope I helped at least a little!
Ari
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