You can't buy me over

Ok, how does this sound?

When I see your eyes,

There is nothing to despise,

But all those boyish lies,

Makes me see you're a fool, certainly nobodies.

Is that better?

The last two lines amazed me.
I normally don't like very short poems, but this was good.
However, I think the 4th line sounds kind of strange. Idiotic just doesn't seem to flow very well, unless thats what you were going for.
I love this a lot!

Velvet.whispers wrote:Hey, although I love short poems, I think this one could be a little longer, it would give your surprising ending a little twist.
I saw you're new here and I read the comment you left me (which I answered btw). I would also like to point out before I review this that if you enjoy poetry, please learn how to spell the words we use to comment it: it's "rhythm" and "rime", I know everyone gets this wrong, but now you can become obnoxious and correct them back!! Nah I'm just kidding it is rhyme, got you?!
Please don't introduce your poems about how you came to write them, let writing speak for itself, if you really have to say something about it, say it at the end or in a new post.

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic,

So I'm sure you've realised this but "idiotic" doesn't rime with anything else and sort of breaks your rhythm... And "despise" sounds weird, because it's an old-fashioned word and it breaks the modern feel of your poem. Maybe try to find something that will match idiotic.
And instead of "you are idiotic" I propose the much more forward "you're such an idiot", it shocks the reader and gets them into your momentum.

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

Again here, I really think that in making it a bit longer and a bit more playful, you could win a lot.
Maybe "Even If my love can last for ever,
you'll never buy me over,
so if indeed you happen to find a four leaf clover,
well you won't get lucky with me."

I'm not sure, it just seems that given the style and the content of your poem a much more oral and provocative style would give the speaker a lot more character....

I'd play around with these if I were you, keeping in mind that they are after all, only suggestions, and you are willing to do as you please.
Good Luck!
Velvet

Hey, although I love short poems, I think this one could be a little longer, it would give your surprising ending a little twist.
I saw you're new here and I read the comment you left me (which I answered btw). I would also like to point out before I review this that if you enjoy poetry, please learn how to spell the words we use to comment it: it's "rhythm" and "rime", I know everyone gets this wrong, but now you can become obnoxious and correct them back!! Nah I'm just kidding it is rhyme, got you?!
Please don't introduce your poems about how you came to write them, let writing speak for itself, if you really have to say something about it, say it at the end or in a new post.

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic,

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

iCarlyfan wrote:This poem came out really good when I was randomly writing. Hope you like it!

When I see your eyes,
There is nothing to despise,
But all those boyish lies,
Makes me see you're idiotic, Something's just wrong with this line.

For love can last forever,
But you can't buy me over,
If you find a four leaf clover,
You won't get lucky with me.

I posted it on youngwritersonline.net but they just don't like my posts. Hope you like it!

Hey, welcome to YWS, I'm Telina.
I must say, I really liked this. I don't review poems as much as I should but I write some and I wish I wrote this one!

When I see your eyes,

There is nothing to despise,

But all those boyish lies,

Makes me see you're idiotic,

For love can last forever,

But you can't buy me over,

If you find a four leaf clover,

You won't get lucky with me.