Published May 27, 2010
This is just a beginning bit i have drafted today to a short story i'm writing. Please review it. xD
PROLOGUE
The moment when everything seems to be ok, but it’s not. You think you know the answer, you don’t. With me, you always know to steer clear of me. I’m cursed with bad luck, I don’t know why, but I always have been and always will. Just now, while I watch a crazed serial killer kill my best friend, I can’t help thinking it’s because of me. All of it’s because of me, all because I’m alive. If I weren’t alive, then my best friend wouldn’t be loosing her life this very moment in time.
It’s sick really, I can’t bare to look at her as he strokes her black hair, as he kisses her pale skin, as he readies the knife that will put a stop to her life, and stabs her. His evil red eyes filled with manic glee. All of this happens while I’m hung upside down, told not to move, next in line… waiting… just waiting to die.
CHAPTER ONE
‘Oh for god sake! Will you please concentrate Millie!’ Shrieked my History teacher, slamming his huge wooden ruler down on my desk. You’d think it violent, but everybody knew exactly what this teacher was like. The message was always clear, never get in his bad books. I was already in his bad books.
My bad luck made sure of that. His brown eyes flare a vicious red every time he gets annoyed. His wrinkly face scrunches up even worse than usual when you snigger behind his back, his black hair always with a constant shine in the light of the small lamp set on his desk. Nobody crosses Mr Krelish. Not even the Headmistress. Not even the police.
I always thought about him, his background, why every one was so afraid to approach him. My friends would often tell me to mind my own business, but I always ignored their ‘advice’ and just carried on investigating.
That’s why I’m in his bad books. He caught me looking through his draws in his desk one day at break time. He wasn’t there, and so I thought it would be a good idea to check his desk out and see what he hid in those draws. I was just getting something interesting when he caught me. It was horrible.
Mr Krelish grabbed me by my wrist and flung me out of the classroom, sending me crashing into the wall of the corridor. “You stay out of my stuff young lady!” He snarled. “If I catch you sneaking around in my room again, I’ll have your fingers chopped off!”
I believed him.
His assault was not a troublesome worry amongst the school, people whispered about it for a while, but then they stopped. The bruises had gone from my wrist and side, but I still felt frightened every time I saw him. I tried my best to conceal that fear on the outside of me by keeping a stern expression, but I was never sure it always worked.
Even as Mr Krelish walked continued speaking to the class after slamming his ruler down on my desk, I was as shaken as ever.
“As I was saying, everybody needs to know how to use their eyes when crossing a road. And their ears, I can imagine at least one of you has almost been hit by a car, yes?”
He spun around to face us, eyes scanning the room. Nobody put his or her hand up. Mr Krelish sighed, tutting loudly like a ticking time bomb.
“Jenna!” he barked suddenly.
Everybody glanced at the small blonde haired girl to the back of the class named Jenna. Mr Krelish was pointing at her with his long crooked finger and broken nail. He twisted his hand so his knuckles were facing the ground, and then beckoned the girl to come to the front of the classroom with a simple bend of his finger.
Jenna hesitated, then pushed her chair back slowly and shakily made her way to the front. I felt scared for her as she stopped in front of Mr Krelish, and I was certain everyone in the room was just as scared for her as I was. It seemed every History class Mr Krelish did… he went off topic and started to talk about something else. He’d go from the plague to the recent cricket matches in just a minute. It was strange really, but you had to keep such thoughts quiet, it always seemed like he knew exactly what you were thinking.
“Little girl, why did you not put your hand up just now?” He asked, faking his innocence.
Jenna gulped. “I didn’t hear the question sir,” she croaked.
“Nonsense! You knew exactly what I asked! Didn’t you?” Mr Krelish snapped, startling the girl.
Jenna trembled, her gaze dropped to the floor as she tried to hide the shameful tears. “No,” she gasped. “I didn’t.”
Mr Krelish narrowed his eyes, then reached over to his desk to take a swig of his blackcurrant juice. “But I believe you did.”
I raised my hand.
Mr Krelish stared bitterly at me for a moment, then nodded, allowing me to speak.
“May I ask sir? What does this have to do with History?” As soon as I said it, I knew I never should have asked such a question, because Mr Krelish was striding towards me in the blink of an eye.
“Get out,” he hissed. “Do not question my motives again.”
I bit back my ready insults, and made my way to the door to the corridor outside. He was hiding something for definite. I’d find out, no matter what.
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141,613 Literary Works • 675,162 Reviews
Hey!
So, I guess I'll start with the negatives first, like the person before.
Just like the person before said, the prologue reveals too much. Already I'm guessing that this evil teacher is the killer. You know, I could be wrong, and you could decide to make a surprise twist, but I'm guessing he's the killer.
Second, this story seems to move too quickly. I don't think you built up the main character's character enough. All we really know about her is that she is cursed with bad luck, and she's in the teacher's bad books. What kind of a person is she? What does she look like? These things may seem slightly unimportant, but they are very important in making sure the reader can imagine it in their mind. And another thing related to this is it seems you built up the teacher's character more than the main character.
And I think this is the the last thing I'm going to comment on, but it has to do with this part right here...
I know you mentioned earlier that the police didn't mess with him, but he grabbed her and threw her out of the classroom hard enough that she hit the wall and got bruises! And then he threatened to cut her fingers off! I'm pretty sure that if anyone did that, they would probably be fired and the police would get involved.To me, it seemed kind of unrealistic.
And now, the positives
It is very suspenseful, which I like. I want to know what will happen next, so you should hurry and write some more!
I liked this part...
It describes him well, and I can get a picture of this teacher in my mind.
Anyway, I'd like to see how this goes. Message me if you have any questions about anything I said, or if you write some more!
Heya, I'mma reviewing
Cons first
I don't think you need the prologue. You sort of revealed too much by mentioning the serial killer. I think it takes away from the suspense.
You don't need the second sentence. It's redundant.
Uh, "walked continued speaking"? You need to rephrase that. I get what you were trying to say, but it's still wrong.
The stuff hilighted in red is unnecessary. We know it's Jenna, people aren't going to look at George when the teacher yells Jenna.
There's a fair bit too much of description with this dialogue. Let a few lines stand on their own because you've established Krelish's character, so we know he speaks nastily, and the girl is obviously scared.
The line in red, "she gasped" isn't plausible with dialogue. People don't gasp words.
"definite" is used in the wrong context. Rephrase.
A few grammar mistakes and some comma abuse. Remember to proofread carefully.
Pros!
This is a good line
Nicely established characters.
Story flows well.
Keep it up!