Published December 29, 2009
I don’t care if you cry,
If you cry over water,
I don’t care if you die,
If you die under water,
And oh oh, you broke my heart,
Oh oh oh, I’m back to the start,
Oh oh oh, I wish I’d never met you,
Never met you,
If you were to die, under our tree,
I wouldn’t care, why don’t you see?
If you were to die, under our tree,
I wouldn’t care, why don’t you see?
It’s just 1 2 3,
And then you go bam.
My phone rings midnight,
But I don’t answer it,
And you put up a fight,
But I’m not up to it,
And oh oh, you broke my heart,
Oh oh oh, I’m back to the start,
Oh oh oh, I wish I’d never met you,
Never met you,
If you were to die, under our tree,
I wouldn’t care, why don’t you see?
If you were to die, under our tree,
I wouldn’t care, why don’t you see?
It’s just 1 2 3,
And then you go bam.
What do you expect from me,
You let me go free,
I’m spending time freely,
You went 1 2 3,
And you went away,
I cried 1 2 3,
Never again,
Don’t put me up to this,
Don’t put me up to this,
I don’t care if you cry,
If you cry under water,
I don’t care if you die,
It hurts me to wonder
Never met you,
If you were to die, under our tree,
I wouldn’t care, why don’t you see?
If you were to die, under our tree,
I wouldn’t care, why don’t you see?
It’s just 1 2 3,
And then you go bam.
It’s just 1 2 3,
And then you go bam.
It’s just 1 2 3,
And then you go bam.
It’s just 1 2 3,
I never saw you again.
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141,413 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Hi, I'm Fairy and I'll critique your lyrics.
I like how you used repetition (the "I don't care" part) in that stanza but the "...cry over water" part leaves me clueless.
Please take out the "under our tree" part. It sounds incredibly cheesy and I get the idea that you're trying to rhyme the end of each line (tree, see, tree, see, three). But the whole dying under the tree thing comes off as completely random and silly.
I like (for the lack of a better word) that part. The -ight, it, -ight, it endings make that stanza catchy.
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Your emotions are expressed clearly but your lyrics sound like a blob of the same ideas. Yes, I know that the narrator doesn't care if I die or whatever, but you need to come up with other ways to tell us or else the narrator sounds like some girl-gone-mad type of rant. So she got dumped. I know that. Shed a little light (sorry for the cliché) and incorporate more details. How close was she and her significant other? Did he cheat on her and then dump her? What went wrong in their relationship?
This is off to a decent start. Just take out the whole dying under a tree part and give the reader a little more background as to why she's especially mad (she's ballistic over being dumped—not sad—so there must be a specific reason why).
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to send me a message!
- Fairy
thanks lol... i've not actually been with anyone i was just inspired and so i wrote it... actually... paramore inspired.
thanks!
Someone seems very angry.
This was good; but if someone wasn't dying every other line I would like it much better, though I do understand that you were expressing your hatred in that way. Regardless this is really awesome. Keep writing you're good.
-R3b3L