Breaking Dawn add on

I know they are married haha. no idea why i put 'boyfriend' and not 'husband'. i know that now. and i didn't put jacob in because at the time i was a team edward fan but now i'm just like 'team nobody you stupid bella'. xD

I liked it, it was simple and nice. I was sort of disappointed that there was no Jacob though! I love the energy Jacob adds to scenes with his humor. For example the "vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend" seems like something Jacob would say not Bella. So that was tiny bit OFC. (By the way, Bella and Edward are married at this point) The rest of the story was in character. Good Job.

wow it was really good and i havent got much more to add on because everyone's already said it, keep up the writing

Hi iCarlyfan,

In general I like your piece. It is somehow nice and peaceful.
What disturbs me are the references to Bella's strength. As far as I can remember (I admit, it's been a while since I read Breaking Dawn and I only ready it once) Bella is unusually graceful even for a vampire but not unusually strong. But this is your fan fiction so you can add traits as you wish.

I do not know if your audience knew twilight but some probably didn't, right?
So normally I'd say that explaining things like the fact that Edward can read minds would be unnecessary. But since your audience might not know the books it's okay.

Here are a few specific passages I noticed:

1.

Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter. She might be a year old, but she looks like a 5 year old and acts like a ten year old! She’s my half vampire, half human daughter.


Here you say twice that Renesmee is her daughter. It sounds really odd. The first time is very nicely done, the second time sounds kind of strange. I'd leave out the second time entirely. It does not help the reader understand the story if you say that she is half human and half vampire because she is only mentioned in this paragraph. The fans will know what Renesmee is and the others won't really care.

2.

Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend.


Try to cut the double vampire. I am sorry but I can't come up with a solution to this at the moment. I was thinking of "sexy vampire couple" but Bella wouldn't say that of herself...

3.

I could smell mountain lion, Edward and mines favourites.


It has to be "Edward and my favorite". I also might say "favorite food" instead of only "favorite" but both would work because it becomes obvious that they are talking about food. At least that is what I think. I am not sure on this point so you might want to ask somebody who does not know twilight.

Now what I really liked was this:

I watched as it hunched its back, ready to sting me.
‘Go ahead,’ I whispered to the wasp. ‘But you’ll be the one getting hurt not me.’
The wasp seemed to know exactly what I said and he buzzed off.


That was simply funny.

I hope I could help.

Aina


I agree with this post. Great story, none the less.

i really like it you seem to write exactly like Steph Meyer so i felt really conected i did find a few mistakes and they were corrected in the other postings so no need for me to tell them to you again. I really liked it keep going

OK. thanks for the reviews everybody.
@hockeyfan87... I'm english, therefore i spell the english way. We spell favourite 'favourite'. not 'favorite'. That's the american spelling. sorry but i hate it when people point that out to me. same with 'realise' and 'realize'. everything. even 'centre'.

so... you know. :3

MysticalBlood wrote:I read this out at a young writers open mic... i was very nervous lol. enjoy.

I smelt freshly cut grass by the forest, and the smell of blood pulsing through small rodents that hid beneath each rock, tree trunk and plant. Edward brushed his fingers through my hair and smiled my favourite crooked smile. I smiled back, and I knew that, even though I could never blush again, I would always feel an invisible flip of my heart inside my chest. Edward can read minds, but thankfully, not mine.
He leant towards me quite quickly, but gracefully, and we kissed. I placed my hands on his shoulders. Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter. She might be a year old, but she looks like a 5 year old and acts like a ten year old!
I pulled away from Edward and stared into his golden eyes. Sun light peeked through two trees, shining onto his skin. I drew in a deep breath – one I didn’t need – and stared at his sparkling skin, beautiful, and yet so unusual. I placed my hand onto his arm, watching as my hand sparkled from the sunlight too, sliding my hand down his arm, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
Edward chuckled and stepped back from me, he was still sparkling. He rubbed my arm and hugged me tight. I wasn’t exactly new born anymore, and my strength was definitely unusual, but that didn’t matter… this moment was so special and sweet; I made sure I treasured every second and replayed it in my head over and over.
Edward cleared his throat; I glanced at him and noticed he looked uneasy. I stepped back, confused.
‘What?’ I asked curiously.
‘Bella… please open your mind,’ he stroked my cheek.
I rolled my eyes, but I concentrated on that extra muscle in my head, like an elastic band, invisible though, I stretched it out, making sure it didn’t twang back, and smiled as I saw Edward’s face lift into a delighted smile. Edward can’t read my mind unless I open my mind with the special muscle I have.
‘Thank you,’ he mouthed, and then he kissed me again. This time it was stranger, but nice, and I held him against me tightly. Edward tensed. I pulled away and let out a soft laugh.
‘You need to control your strength Bella,’ Edwards said softly, he hugged me then sighed.
I felt a soft feather like object brush against my arm, I checked to see what it was. A wasp, I widened my eyes. I had never really looked at a wasp properly before, it’s yellow and black stripes appeared sharpened and I could see every hair. In a human’s eye, you see it and then scream your lungs out. But this time, I was staring in awe. I watched as it hunched its back, ready to sting me.
‘Go ahead,’ I whispered to the wasp. ‘But you’ll be the one getting hurt not me.’
The wasp seemed to know exactly what I said and he buzzed off.
Edward laughed. ‘It seems your beauty flatters more eyes than you know,’
I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend. No wonder the wasp got scared.’
‘Smell that?’ Edward asked. He was stood upright again in less than a second.
‘Uh-huh,’ I said. I could smell mountain lion, Edward and mines favourites. We turned together towards the smell.
‘I love you,’ he whispered to me, holding my hand tighter. ‘More than you could imagine.’
‘Impossible,’ I whispered. ‘I love you more.’

all i can say is wow you really made this a bit of an original story. Good job. Other than what the others have mentioned already i don't see any other mistakes. i really want to praise you for really makign this pretty original that is good. you should always want to do that with fanfic stories in my opinion even if it's the same basic story as the book or something add more characters and different things like that to make it distinctly different.

MysticalBlood wrote:I read this out at a young writers open mic... i was very nervous lol. enjoy.

I smelt freshly cut grass by the forest, and the smell of blood pulsing through small rodents that hid beneath each rock, tree trunk and plant. Edward brushed his fingers through my hair and smiled my favourite crooked smile. I smiled back, and I knew that, even though I could never blush again, I would always feel an invisible flip of my heart inside my chest. Edward can read minds, but thankfully, not mine. This is well written, from Bellas perspective
He leant towards me quite quickly, but gracefully, and we kissed. I placed my hands on his shoulders. Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter. She might be a year old, but she looks like a 5 year old and acts like a ten year old! She’s my half vampire, half human daughter. Okay, so they could be described better, i feel likes its out of beelas personality, if you know what i mean?I pulled away from Edward and stared into his golden eyes. Sun light peeked through two trees, shining onto his skin. I drew in a deep breath – one I didn’t need – and stared at his sparkling skin, beautiful, and yet so unusual. I placed my hand onto his arm, watching as my hand sparkled from the sunlight too, sliding my hand down his arm, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
Edward chuckled and stepped back from me, he was still sparkling. He rubbed my arm and hugged me tight. I wasn’t exactly new born anymore, and my strength was definitely unusual, but that didn’t matter… this moment was so special and sweet; I made sure I treasured every second and replayed it in my head over and over.
Edward cleared his throat; I glanced at him and noticed he looked uneasy. I stepped back, confused.
‘What?’ I asked curiously.
‘Bella… please open your mind,’ he stroked my cheek.
I rolled my eyes, but I concentrated on that extra muscle in my head, like an elastic band, invisible though, I stretched it out, making sure it didn’t twang back, and smiled as I saw Edward’s face lift into a delighted smile. Edward can’t read my mind unless I open my mind with the special muscle I have.
‘Thank you,’ he mouthed, and then he kissed me again. This time it was stranger, but nice, and I held him against me tightly. Edward tensed. I pulled away and let out a soft laugh. I didn't know he could read her minds at times, and " A special muscle"...rephase.‘You need to control your strength Bella,’ Edwards said softly, he hugged me then sighed.
I felt a soft feather like object brush against my arm, I checked to see what it was. A wasp, I widened my eyes. I had never really looked at a wasp properly before, it’s yellow and black stripes appeared sharpened and I could see every hair. In a human’s eye, you see it and then scream your lungs out. But this time, I was staring in awe. I watched as it hunched its back, ready to sting me.
‘Go ahead,’ I whispered to the wasp. ‘But you’ll be the one getting hurt not me.’
The wasp seemed to know exactly what I said and he buzzed off.
Edward laughed. ‘It seems your beauty flatters more eyes than you know,’
I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend. No wonder the wasp got scared.’
‘Smell that?’ Edward asked. He was stood upright again in less than a second.
‘Uh-huh,’ I said. I could smell mountain lion, Edward and mines favourites. We turned together towards the smell.
‘I love you,’ he whispered to me, holding my hand tighter. ‘More than you could imagine.’
‘Impossible,’ I whispered. ‘I love you more.’

A lot of people already caught your other mistakes but I got a couple. Here is your review enjoy

I smelt freshly cut grass by the forest, and the smell of blood pulsing through small rodents that hid beneath each rock, tree trunk and plant.

Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter

Edward chuckled and stepped back from me, he was still sparkling

That was adorable!
Gosh, Stephenie Meyer just found herself a worthy successor!
Your way of writing and her don't differ much,
it was as if I was reading one of her books.

Thank you for sharing your nice stories!

--- A.

MysticalBlood wrote:I read this out at a young writers open mic... [b]i was very nervous lol. enjoy. [/b]

I smelt freshly cut grass by the forest, and the smell of blood pulsing through small rodents that hid beneath each rock, tree trunk and plant. Edward brushed his fingers through my hair and smiled my FAVORITE crooked smile. I smiled back, and I knew that, even though I could never blush again, I would always feel an invisible flip of my heart inside my chest. Edward can read minds,delete comma but add commathankfully, not mine.
He leant leanedtowards me quite quickly, but gracefully, and we kissed. I placed my hands on his shoulders. Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter. She might be a year old, but she looks like a 5 year old and acts like a ten year old! She’s my half vampire, half human daughter. it might sound better if you said my beautiful half vampire half human daughter instead of ssaying daughter twice
I pulled away from Edward and stared into his golden eyes. Sun light peeked through two trees, shining onto his skin. I drew in a deep breath – one I didn’t need – and stared at his sparkling skin, beautiful, and yet so unusual. I placed my hand onto his arm, watching as my hand sparkled from the sunlight too, sliding my hand down his arm, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
Edward chuckled and stepped back from me, he was still sparkling. He rubbed my arm and hugged me tight. I wasn’t exactly new born anymore, and my strength was definitely unusual, but that didn’t matter… this moment was so special and sweet; I made sure I treasured every second and replayed it in my head over and over.
Edward cleared his throat; I glanced at him and noticed he looked uneasy. I stepped back, confused.
‘What?’ I asked curiously.when using quotations you should use the " mark instead of the ' just for the future use ' when talking inside your head and " when talking outloud
‘Bella… please open your mind,’ see previous notehe stroked my cheek.
I rolled my eyes, but I concentrated on that extra muscle in my head, like an elastic band, invisible though, I stretched it out, making sure it didn’t twang back, and smiled as I saw Edward’s face lift into a delighted smile. Edward can’t read my mind unless I open my mind with the special muscle I have.
‘Thank you,’ he mouthed, and then he kissed me again. This time it was stranger, but nice, and I held him against me tightly. Edward tensed. I pulled away and let out a soft laugh.
‘You need to control your strength Bella,’ Edwards said softly, he hugged me then sighed.
I felt a soft feather like object brush against my arm, I checked to see what it was. A wasp, I widened my eyes. I had never really looked at a wasp properly before, it’s yellow and black stripes appeared sharpened and I could see every hair. In a human’s eye, you see it and then scream your lungs out. But this time, I was staring in awe. I watched as it hunched its back, ready to sting me.
‘Go ahead,’ I whispered to the wasp. ‘But you’ll be the one getting hurt not me.’
The wasp seemed to know exactly what I said and he buzzed off.
Edward laughed. ‘It seems your beauty flatters more eyes than you know,’
I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend. No wonder the wasp got scared.’i dont like how it says vampire twice in this sentence but i dont know how you could change it hmm...
‘Smell that?’ Edward asked. He was stood upright again in less than a second.
‘Uh-huh,’ I said. I could smell mountain lion, Edward and mines FAVORITES. We turned together towards the smell.
‘I love you,’ he whispered to me, holding my hand tighter. ‘More than you could imagine.’
‘Impossible,’ I whispered. ‘I love you more.’

I think this is a pretty good add on to Breaking Dawn. Of course, it's no exactly how Stephanie Meyer illustrates Bella's mind, but I still think you did a good job I just dont think Bella would ever call Edward her "Sexy Vampire Boyfriend"

oh yeah damn, forgot about that.

I couldn’t help but grin. ‘Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend. No wonder the wasp got scared.’

Hi iCarlyfan
I love the Twilight series and this would make a brilliant addition to Breaking Dawn.
Now, down to nit-picking. I can't see anything wrong with it.
I really like it and I agree with Sae, you do sound like Meyer.
midnightread

I agree with Sae, you did sound a lot like Steph Meyer. In general, I'm a twi-hater but what the heck, I read the books so I know about it. Bella isn't as strong anymore because she's already a year old vampire. So Edward shouldn't have noted that. And yeah, pretty much agree with them when you said daughter twice. Maybe if you said it like "my beautiful half-vampire, half-human daughter." that would sounded better(in my opinion).

Okay, I personally didn't really like the Twilight series, but I will review this as if I liked Twilight a lot.

So... somehow, you managed to sound nearly exactly like Meyer, so that's certainly good for a fanfic. It was in general a good piece, though you made some minor errors, such as punctuation and such. Also, I think that you shouldn't talk about her strength as much, remember, she isn't a newborn any more- she has about the same strength as Edward. Also, I agree with the first post about the mentioning that Renesmee is her daughter, twice.

I hope that helped...

thanks for the review...

Hi iCarlyfan,

In general I like your piece. It is somehow nice and peaceful.
What disturbs me are the references to Bella's strength. As far as I can remember (I admit, it's been a while since I read Breaking Dawn and I only ready it once) Bella is unusually graceful even for a vampire but not unusually strong. But this is your fan fiction so you can add traits as you wish.

I do not know if your audience knew twilight but some probably didn't, right?
So normally I'd say that explaining things like the fact that Edward can read minds would be unnecessary. But since your audience might not know the books it's okay.

Here are a few specific passages I noticed:

1.

Renesmee was far away, nestled in her bed all snug and warm, my beautiful daughter. She might be a year old, but she looks like a 5 year old and acts like a ten year old! She’s my half vampire, half human daughter.

Ah well, I’m just a vampire with my sexy vampire boyfriend.

I could smell mountain lion, Edward and mines favourites.

I watched as it hunched its back, ready to sting me.
‘Go ahead,’ I whispered to the wasp. ‘But you’ll be the one getting hurt not me.’
The wasp seemed to know exactly what I said and he buzzed off.