Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fantasy

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Death Awaits: Chapter 1- Imprisoned

by MysticWords

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Death awaits

Chapter 1:Imprisoned

Some time before the battle...

This could have been hours, days, months, or years earlier. It did not matter. For Midgar it felt like an eternity.

He awoke with his arms and legs chained to a wall. He felt cold and hot at the same time. An extremely uncomfortable feeling to say the least. Midgar looked around the room to see that he was in a dungeon of sorts, locked in a cell. The only light he could see was the light of two candles standing adjacent on either side of the room. He tried pulling on his chains to no avail. He had no strength left in him to pull. He felt weak and sickly, more than he ever had.

How did he get to this place he wondered. Where was he? Midgar yelled aloud at the top of his lungs. "HELP! WHERE AM I? LET ME OUT!" He tugged on his chains once more trying to cause as much noise as possible. Midgar heard footsteps coming his way. He heard them coming and then stop. He looked around but could see nothing.

"Why do you yell?" Said a voice to him. The voice sounded like darkness. 

"I need help. I need out of these chains. Who are you and why am I here?"

"I am just here. I cannot help you. I am just as helpless as you are. Please do not yell though, as I was trying to sleep. You cannot get much rest here these days." He heard the footsteps going away from him now.

"WAIT! DO NOT GO AWAY! PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I AM!" Midgar shouted once again at the top of his lungs.

This time the dark voice hissed at him "Do not yell. The dead can not hear you. Only I can. And I can not help you." He heard the footsteps walking further away from him.

The dead? what was this man talking about. All of a sudden Midgar's head started searing in pain. He remembered. He was in combat, blade to blade with someone. They cut his throat. All he tasted was blood and iron. Everything faded to black. He really was dead. He brought his hand to his neck, and could still feel the scar where his throat was slit.


Midgar heard footsteps quickly approaching. The cell opened but he still saw no one. His chains unlocked and dropped to the floors. He stood there for about ten minutes before deciding to leave. He grabbed one of the candles and made his out of his cell, and down a dark hallway.

Midgar kept walking, and walking, and walking. It seemed like he would be walking forever. His legs were getting tired and he was hungry. He was thirsty as well, and his mouth was as dry as if he ate a mouth full of sand. " I need water." He spoke to himself.

A little more walking and Midgar came to a slightly glowing room to his right, and there he saw it. A beautiful fountain of sparkling water. He dropped the candle and ran over to it. He dropped to his knees and began to drink eagerly. He drank and drank, but the more he did the more bitter the water began to taste. It tasted oh so wonderful at first. A godsend. It was like the first time he had ever drank anything. As he drank though, he tasted at first bitterness, then sourness, then iron. He looked at his hands and came to the realization that this was not water, but blood. He had been drinking from a fountain of blood. He hurled all over the ground and felt sharp pains in his stomach. He was sicked by this. He could not believe he fell for such a trick. How could he have not realized what it was. Was his mind being played with?

After a time, Midgar stood up and looked around the room. It was pitch black. The candle and the light from the fountain went out. Everywhere he looked was darkness. He began to walk, feeling around with his hands and taking careful and precise steps. He felt a stone wall and began to follow it with his hands. He followed it straight for what seemed like an hour until he saw a light in the distance. Hope sprang up in him and he ran with all his might to try and reach the end. He kept running, and running, and running. The more he ran the more he started to realize that he would never reach the end. 

Midgar fell to his hands and knees and broke out into tears. Why was he here? He did not deserve this fate. No one did. What could he have done in his life that he deserved this fate? 

All of a sudden a flash of something came to him. A battle. Women and children, and people being slaughtered. Vicious looking men killing every last one of them. He could not have done this could he? Why would he? "I should have stayed back in my cell." Midgar spoke aloud. 

The next thing he knew, he was back in his cell in chains again. This time only one candle stood in place, making the place even more dimly lit that before.

"Welcome back." He heard the dark voice say.

To be continued...

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 380
Reviews: 5

Fri Jun 24, 2016 8:30 am
HobbitMan222 says...

Again, love the story! Keep it up! I can't wait for more!!! :3
Live Long and Prosper! -HobbitMan222

User avatar
107 Reviews

Points: 487
Reviews: 107

Tue Jun 21, 2016 3:56 pm
XxXTheSwordsmanXxX wrote a review...

Greetings from The Swordsman!

I must say that you have a flare for the descriptive. The way that you use taste as a large substitute for sight is an interesting way to go. Many people try to replace sight with sound, but as you mentioned that the dead can't hear him, it was goo alternative and a nice change.

Something that does confuse me is exactly where he is. Is he in purgatory? Hell? Midgar sounds like a Viking name and if he died in combat it would make more sense for him to go to Valhalla. Of course, this could just be a name.

I particularly like the candles that you mentioned. How there is a dwindling amount of them each time he leaves the cell. Something that I would like to see is just how many times has he done this? You say that there are two candles at the beginning of this tale...but how many candle holders are in the cell? Do he only get two chances? Or has he done this many times over and has reduced his trips down to two? I think adding just a little more emphasis on the candles would really add a strong point to the story.

I really liked this story. It had mystery. It was presented in a new way that makes it different than the others about death or afterlife. I certainly hope that I don't end up there. Thanks for sharing.

Happy Writing!

User avatar
485 Reviews

Points: 21027
Reviews: 485

Mon Jun 20, 2016 4:12 pm
Elijah wrote a review...

King Here

Hello there, fellow writer, and welcome to this site. I hope you find good friends and helpful tips.
I think your start was good and it dragged me in. You describe the scenery well which gives the reader ways to imagine the situation in your work. The thing that I noticed is that you fully use different types of sentence formations and tenses at the same time which is sometimes hard to deal with but overall I think you did a good job with it. You start the work with a lots of mystery which confused the reader and creates that curiousity in them. For the beggining maybe the only thing I could say is that you use 'he' just too much at least in my opinion. I think you can replace it with many other nouns which describe the narrator. We understand that it is about a mysterious man that finds himself chained and locked in a room. I saw that there is a part before this one but I may check it later on also.

How did he get to this place he wondered. Where was he?

This part is more like his own thoughts about the situation he is currently in so I suppose it is a good idea to point that out in a different font of just seperated from everything else after and before it. It is of course your own decision how you will do it. Maybe you can put a comma before the part 'he wondered' or something else.

He tugged on his chains once more trying to cause as much noise as possible.

You need one comma before 'trying'. In this situation you say 'once more' which tells me that he is not trying not the very first time. If the action ( the 'ing' part ) is expressing something that happened earlier, you need that comma. If he was coming that for the first time, no comma needed. It depends on does this action is repeated multable times or you just do it at the same time with something else. It also depends on which word the phase describes but I think the explaination will get too long.

Quick & Dirty Tips

If the 'ing' form is right after a subject which is the noun in your sentence, you put no comma. Just look at the word before the phrase and ask yourself if that word is the one you are describing right now with this 'ing' form.

He looked at her trying his best to not blush.

Who is the one doing the action? It is him doing the action.

Who is before the 'ing' phrase? It is her in front of it.

Does 'trying his best to not blush' refer to her? No.

As you see, it refers to him because he is doing the actions here. She is just something we are talking about connected with his actions. The first green question is also your answer actually.

The voice sounded like darkness.

How does the darkness actually sound like? I do not think you can make this reference. Though I like the idea of using the dark theme to describe it.

what was this man talking about.

I think that this needs to be starting with a capital letter. I am not sure if this voice is owned by a real man or is the narrator only thinking that it is a man.

He brought his hand to his neck, and could still feel the scar where his throat was slit.

You do not need comma there before 'and could'. In general you can not part the sentence with a comma if the second part is a dependent one like in this situation here.

The cell opened but he still saw no one. His chains unlocked and dropped to the floors.

I think that you need to put these two sentences together. I do not know. It feels more right to me and the second sentence seems like dependent sentence that needs support.

He grabbed one of the candles and made his out of his cell, and down a dark hallway.

'his way out' I think it is there. Sometimes we miss one word or eat it while writing, it happens to everyone.

" I need water."

You do not need space before 'I'.

He drank and drank, but the more he did the more bitter the water began to taste. It tasted oh so wonderful at first.

You need comma before 'the more'.

But the more you study, the less you know.

Everywhere he looked was darkness.

We say 'he looked at me' right? Not 'he looked me'. Well, it may seem right but I think it is not. At least in this situation here. One 'at' before 'was'. It is the same as saying 'he looked darkness'.

The more he ran the more he started to realize that he would never reach the end.

Comma before 'the more'.

This story was surely amazing and mysterious till the end of time. I was really interested to see what will happen till the very end. I am left with creeps and some curiousity. Hope to see more of you. The only complain now is that I think you use 'footsteps' actions a lot for this mysterious figure. Does the suspenseful being has only legs? I do not know.

Keep on writing.

King Leaving

MysticWords says...

Cool, thanks for the tips! I got the imagination but not quite the grammar skills just yet. The darkness could basically sound like anything. Most people relate the darkness to fear so that is why I compared it this way. I also feel it gives it more mystery. Could the voice just be in his head? Is it even real? I want to the readers to question everything.
You hear the footsteps of the being but you never actually see him. So maybe the being was never actually there?
I appreciate the feedback and the tips and I am glad you liked it!
And it is good to meet you!

A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles