As I laid in the grass, I could feel it cover my body swaying in the wind. The sun was almost darker today, and the sky a little less blue.
A simple glance to my left reveals her, “hey” so casually slips from my tongue.
“Hi, how are you” almost empty as it leaves her breath.
The wind interrupted with a gentle blow “good, you” a complete lie but what could I say. “Fine” I can’t stand it. It’s all so wrong, “do you miss it” I say trying to be gentle as I get a quick “what, miss what”
the grass fading from my view as I look beyond our fading town. “Life, when it was simple. No problems, I miss us” the setting sun taking place upon the horizon.
“I can’t, I can’t miss us. We passed that you know what happened” each world a knife, piercing my heart. “ I know, but I can’t help it” the sun continues to set as a lump rose in my throat.
“I can’t do this” she says as she turns to leave.
“Wait, did you ever love me?” My voice breaking she stops, turns her head to face me.
And then leaves without a word.
Left abandoned by my last hope, I lay upon the tall grass as the sun fades to black.
“Before it all went wrong, I think” tears began running down my cheek, my hand begin to tremble “I think it was, the happiest time of my life”
I choke on my own breath, the tears flow faster, The tremble in my hands now a violent shake.
The sun had set, the sky was blackened, the clouds had drifted away. And I, I was alone.
All alone.
left with nothing but my own two trembling hands.
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141,018 Literary Works • 673,821 Reviews
hey! so i just wanted to say that it’s a nice story. i get the gist here: someone misses someone and they’re mourning or reminiscing. overall, the intention was there and i roughly understood what was happening.
criticism wise, i do have a bit to say:
this reads more like a short story rather than a poem. it relies on character, dialogue, setting, and a sequence of events, which are all elements commonly associated with prose.
we have action and observation in this paragraph. we know the narrator is sitting on grass, and we think that the wind must be harsh since they point out that their body “sways with the wind”.
is unnecessary. a better revision —one that would be much clearer for the reader and simple— would be: “I lay on the grass, feeling it brush my skin as it swayed with the wind. The sun was beginning to set, darkening the sky.”
sometimes, less is more. additionally, you seem to have trouble maintaining a consistent tense throughout the story. you constantly jump between past and present tense. understandably, the english language often breaks its own rules, but here, they are unintentional and make the writing difficult to follow along.
i… had trouble understanding what was happening at first. not only is the dialogue followed by action structure wrong, but the punctuation that should be there is missing. revision:
A simple glance to my left reveals her.
“Hey,” I say casually.
“Hi, how are you?” she asks. The question feels empty, wrong; as if she doesn’t really want to know.
you also struggle with understanding where to capitalise or not. “the” should start with a capital letter because it’s the start of a new paragraph/sentence. grammatically, at this point you are losing your grip. revision:
The grass fades from my view as I look beyond at our fading town.
“I miss us when life was simple,” I say. “I miss us.”
The sun finally takes its last breath.
overall, there isn’t much else to say. the issues are mostly repetitive! i can tell you are full of ideas and can replicate emotions on paper. reading books will help you develop your skills in both writing and reading!!
i hope you don’t take this harshly, as that wasn’t my intention. i genuinely do see something promising, but it needs to be worked on.