Ok I'm very new to this whole writing stories so please leave comments of anything I should add or correct! Thanks
Ch.1
An unfamiliar room, people in long white lab coats, and an IV hooked up to my arm.. I have no idea how in the hell I've come to wake up here or even where here is. However upon opening my eyes I made the encounter with the strikingly beautiful Dr. Elizabeth A. Watkins; she has deep sapphire eyes, like the blue reflected off of the lake where I grew up. Her hair is a luminous shade of crimson and she had the voice of a deity...
"Mr. Abrams I presume?" shouted Dr. Watkins.
"mmmmhmmm",was all I could throw out of my parched lips.
" How is the recovery process sir?". Again she repeated herself. "Mr. Abrams, hello Mr. Abrams? Can you hear me?"
I struggled in and out of consciousness for what seemed like an eternity. Finally I managed to compose myself long enough to get the answer as to where I am and why in the lord's name I'm here. However I can't yet reveal that reason to you quite yet. First lets take a look at my life back home before I ended up "here".
thats it so far! let me kno what u think
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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<Insert repetitive welcome stuff here>
Well, let's start by saying that you've done well starting off with mystery. A lot of people either give too much away, or make it confusing by not giving enough. You've struck a good balance.
There was a tense issue I spotted. You slipped between past and present tense quite often. E.g. this is in present tense:
And the next sentence is in past tense:
I've bolded the words that determine tense, just in case you weren't sure.
I liked the comparison with the lake where he grew up. It ties it in with his life, and as the reader, I can imagine that similarity would make him feel comfortable. However, the sapphire comparison could go. Gemstones of any description are a cliche way of describing someone's eyes. In any case, you only need one simile when describing something, otherwise it sounds like you're overdoing it.
A few times you put commas and full stops outside your quotation marks. Always put them on the inside.
Well, I know this isn't actually the story, but just so you know, we have a proper spelling and grammar policy on this site, which covers all posting, not just within stories and poems.
Hey, MysteryWriter, welcome to YWS! I'm Kaedee.
This doesn't quite describe her voice. You need to explain more. You leave the reader thinking: And...what exactly does the voice of a deity sound like?Forest covered all the nitpicks, so I'm going to leave that part alone for now.
I'm going to suggest a few things:
-I think this would be better as a prologue, but that depends on what you will write about next.
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-Why is she shouting? Explain.
- I don't think you need the last two sentences if you go right into the past in the next part.
I'm looking forward to reading the chapter two...your title captures my attention! You have a decent start, and you can make a very interesting story out of this, but yes, it all depends on the plot. Keep up the good work! Hope I helped.
~KD
Hi! Welcome to YWS! I'll be your reviewer for today!
I didn't know if the double dots was an accident or not, but take the second one out.Okay, no more dots, just a simple period.
Okay here is in present tense and here:
is past tense. Is that on purpose? I didn't know...it was kind of confusing to be honest.
Dr. Watkins and Mr. Abrams diolauge should be separate paragraphs.
I think you have an interesting story here, but it needs work. It does. Especially, don't use a lot of dot dot dots, yes they are mysterious and everything, but after a while it gets annoying. This shoudl be more than 2 paragraphs, especially with diolauge. It should be like this
"Mr. Abrams, I presume?" shouted Dr. Watkins.
"Mmmhmmm,"
Get it? Anyways, keep up the good work and PM me if you have any questions!
~Forest